Just need to write it out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Just need to write it out...
12
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 3:17pm

So i'm in recovery and I'm trying soooo hard to not worry about food, weight, etc. I promised myself and my boyfriend that i would eat 3 healthy meals a day and snacks if I wanted them. I felt ESTATIC the first 2 weeks! I felt incredible! My nutritionist and therapist were no longer worried that I was going into relapse. I stopped weighing myself gradually less and less and I must admit the doctors were right- it felt GREAT not weighing myself! :)

But now, I'm not that happy with the way I look anymore. I feel fat, ugly, unattracive and overweight. I know that rationally I'm not overweight but my body...my disgusting body. It's revolting! I try to be strong and not think about how I look but I can't help it. :/ How in the world does my boyfriend find me attractive or beautiful? I look like crap! I don't feel sexy. I don't feel beautiful. I feel disgusting and gross! I feel sad- sad that I am no longer sexy and attractive. I feel like I'm no longer beautiful enough to hold a man's attention. I feel like my boyfriend is just saying I look good b/c he fears I'll relapse and dive head first into my ED again.

How can I make myself feel better about myself? I'm not really looking for an answer from anyone- I just need to vent I guess and write out what I feel. They tell me that body image is the last thing to go and my God that S.O.B. is gripping on to me for dear life! When will this feeling pass? When will i look into the mirror and say to myself, "you're beautiful!" - when?! When will my self-worth come back?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 4:36pm
Reading your post was like listening to my own thoughts. Exact same for me. My sweet boyfriend probably saved my life when he called me out on my ED. He wanted me to gain 20 pounds. I was on cloud 9 for the first few weeks too. "I can eat anything I want!" syndrome. Boy, did I ever! But it creeps up on you. All of a sudden my clothes fit tighter. Then I start mentally beating myself up, and tell myself that I've destroyed all my hard work and that I'm fat again. Everyone says I look "healthy" now. I'd call it chunky. I can feel it now- feel it all folding in upon itself, just sitting there around my middle, in my thighs, on my backside. Like you, I don't feel sexy anymore either and that may be what scares me the most. I wonder what could possibly be the motivation for my BF to stay w/me. I don't want him to be embarrassed to be with me in public, or at family gatherings. I don't want him to be "the guy with the fat girlfriend". I want him to be proud to introduce me as his girl. How can he?
I know what you're feeling. I wish I had an answer for you, or something that would help but I'm still searching for that myself. It does feel a little better though to know that someone else knows these feelings too. I tried to explain all this to the BF but, like everyone else, he cannot grasp the psychology involved. Nobody can know how powerful it can be unless they battle it themselves.
Best of luck to you...hang in there!
~J
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 4:43am
Wow that is a tough one. It is hard for me to tell you how to overcome your negative body image when I have to battle my own self doubts and negative body images daily. I guess everyone learns to love and accept their bodies at their own pace. I understand how frustrating it is to think you have your ED undercontrol and then bam you fall back into old destructive habits. One of the main reasons why my relationship with my ex didn't work was because I wouldn't/couldn't give up my destructive ED behaviors. Well I am about to crash. Goodluck with recovery. Cut your boyfriend some slack he sounds like a great guy. I wish I could find someone that patient. Feel free to email me anytime you need or want to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 9:25am

It's amazing to read exactly what I'm thinking as well! That's what started my ED in the first place...I didn't feel worthy or attractive enough to be with my bf. I felt like the public was seeing me as "the fat girlfriend" not his "beautiful girlfriend." I felt like I was gaining a lot of weight and that he didn't find me attractive anymore.

I tried to explain these thoughts to my bf and family too, but it doesn't work at all. my family gets frustrated that I can't be happy with myself and my bf is confused as to why i see myself this way. I cry in front of the mirror so many times when I'm looking at myself. Sometimes I won't let my bf touch my stomach or put his arm on my side while i'm sitting down for fear that he'll feel my fat rolls around my stomach. Do you get this way too?

It's such a crazy rollercoaster! I KNOW I don't want to plunge back into my ED- i hated my life like that but at the same time it seems comforting to me at times when I don't eat. Is this how you feel? Also, I joined a gym based on my doctors' recommendations and it seems to help a little to help me de-stress and keep my mind off the food but at the same time i get frustrated b/c it seems like all my hard work at the gym isn't paying off on what i see in the mirror. I want to be toned - not pudgy. :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 1:26pm

"How in the world does my boyfriend find me attractive or beautiful? I look like crap! I don't feel sexy. I don't feel beautiful"

as a male...who has a female friend with an ED...

i told her somthing...

"the people who care about you...are the people who dont give a **** what you look like"

i belive that...

i posted my situation...i hope maybe you could read it, and give me some advice...from a girl that has been there...

i love this saying...it describes a shakespere peom he wrote about a woman he loved...

"is she the most beautiful girl? NO
is she a godess? NO
is she physically perfect? NO
so he doesn't lover her? NO...he does

why? what is it about her?

"she's not just a FANTASY...she's has flaws...she's REAL"

it sounds soo cliche...but i do belive beauty is internal...

i used to put my hands around my friends weist...sitting on her couch watching a movie...i would try and hold her close, just so we could maybe have some feeling of togherness...it didnt last too long, only about 4 days, and we stopped...i thought maybe because she was 15, or maybe becasue we told eachother we were content on being best friends, and nothing more...i never thought it was because she was embarrassed with her body...i just wish i would have known it then so i could tell her that there is nothing to be embarrassed about...but she wouldnt have believed me if i told her...

(i would also like to share a story...i very nice one...)

im a pretty big guy, 5'11 over 250...i used to weight 312, but i lost a almost 50 pounds in 2 years with exercise and a healthy diet...

well, when we would go for our daily walks...on one of our first few walks...i tried to pick her up and carry her, just as a fun thing to do (i used to always pick up my sisters and run around with them)...well, she was soo scared, she didnt want me too...she was pleading for me to let her down...so i did...

on our last walk we ever took together,(teh night before i went to college) she asked me if i could give her a piggy back ride...i did, it was soo fun, it lasted for about 10 seconds before she wanted to be put down...that was one of the funnest nights of my life...

Edited 11/28/2006 9:35 am ET by j.cirell




Edited 11/28/2006 9:46 am ET by j.cirell
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:39pm

Ah (((Sheesha))) I know how it is.


I wish I could give you a real hug right now!

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 5:05pm
Yes dear, I do get that way, too. I push him away from me when his hands come close to my middle. Then I feel like I want to cry- he is the love of my life, he SAVED my life by confronting me about my ED and not allowing me to hide it anymore, the man I want to share forever with...and I push him away. Don't get me wrong I LOVE when he touches me, really, but sometimes...
I used to let him see me -ahem- *unclothed* before "the talk", but since I've been gained weight I wouldn't dream of it. I am acutely self-conscious all the time. I lie in bed next to him wondering if he's wishing I would do more crunches or not eat so much at dinner. But then, HE's sleeping, not thinking about my body, so why can't I just sleep???

I have since joined Jazzercise (his sister is an instructor) with his encouragement, hoping that maybe toning my body more will help my image. It's kinda fun...I'd recommend trying it a few times! Helps relieve stress, too. Maybe this would help you, too. I used to exercise at home, alone, but I think the part I like so much is that you do get to be with other women and socialize a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 8:09am

I honestly can't believe how similar we are! I do the exact same thing! I push him away if his hands touch my stomach when we're sitting, I wonder if he thinks my thighs are huge when i wear jeans or worry if he'll see the fat bulge over my pants around my stomach. I cry about it too. I cry over my body and how I look and feel and I plead that this feeling will pass and that I'll be happy with myself again. But then I stop to think...I was NEVER happy with my body- since I was about 5 or 6 years old I was always very very aware of my body and how I look!

I love my boyfriend- and like you, he's the one who's been my support throughout this ordeal and he made me talk to my parents and go see a doctor almost 7 months ago. He's saved my life really. He's the only one I'll listen to. There are times, like this past weekend where I found myself very depressed over my body and after about 3 hours of spending time with him, my mood change- i felt more conifident. It was great! Has this ever happened to you? Where your bf has changed your image of yourself? It's a wonderful feeling. But those moments are sparse.

I've joined a gym and work out 3 times a week for about 45mins- as my nutritionist recommended. It's actaully fun. I used to do crunches, sit ups, and every other excercise imaginable at home, alone. Now, it's not so tiring and actually enjoyable! The only thing I need to get used to is that I can't excercise every night before I go to bed. My doctors only want me to excercise 3-4x a week. That's the next habit I have to break.

How are you with eating? Has it gotten any easier for you? Or are there still "safe foods" that you cling on to?

hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:03am

I agree-we have much in common. Yes, yes, and yes! All these things do happen to me. Rather, I think I should say "I do all these things" as I believe that they do not so much happen TO me, but I create them within myself.
The fat thighs & little bulge peeking out over jeans I can totally relate to. It happens most when I sit, and the fat bunches up and becomes visible. like you, the opinions of everyone else matter little to me (though they used to)- just him. Everyone else comments on how thin I am. And I get so tired of hearing those comments! Can't join a casual conversation and sympathize with someone on, say, how they felt so guilty for having eaten something bad for them People say "well, YOU can AFFORD to eat that!" or that I NEED to. Makes me feel like I'm not qualified to be part of the discussions and don't deserve to talk to people about food, weight, clothing, etc...things that women talk about. It's isolating. I get depressed too.
As for him changing the way I feel about myself, he COULD, but lately we haven't discussed my ED as much as we used to, so he doesen't. He sees me looking healthier than before and assumes that I am fine. I however would like to hear an occasional "honey, you look great." But I certainly don't want to be the one to bring it up! I am a perfectionist, and I would venture to guess that you are as well. Having this problem is a result of the perfectionism, but it also means that I have a flaw. Would he want a woman with a flaw? He deserves a perfect woman.
I think these thoughts and get myself worked up over little things, and decide that I should just spare him and tell him to move on with his life without me, that he dosen't love me anyway, right? But d*#n it, then he goes and does something wonderful like clean up at home, do a load of laundry or dishes, or send me flowers at work (which he did just yesterday) or even just call me. He calls me at least two, sometimes three times or more every day, even though we have lived together for seven months. Gestures like that say to me "You're special, I love you." But he dosen't say anything about my body, my shape, my diet, or my weight- except to support the Jazzercise. Last week he went deer hunting so he wasn't home much, and I was miserable. But when he walked through the door at night nothing else mattered.
I do have my "safe" foods, and I prefer to eat at home, alone. I cook for him, but don't want to eat most of what I make. Too much fat, sugar, too many carbs, whatever- I'm full of excuses. I even sometimes eat in a different room from him so he dosen't see me eat. I'm afraid to eat when I'm away from home. I don't like even going to visit family. Everyone in both of our families lives near us. His is huge, and extremely tight-knit so we visit several times a week. (In fact I work with his brother-in-law, and he works with both my mom and my sister- at the building right next door- we see everyone a LOT.) I dread mealtimes with them but don't want to seem antisocial, or be a rude guest and not eat what I'm offered. If we decide as a group to order out and I'm asked what I want, I don't want to be the "difficult" one! I don't think that there is a gracious way around situations like this because I don't want my problem becoming a factor in our family gatherings! (however, believe it or not, I just hosted Thanksgiving for the first time this past weekend for both of our huge families, and everything was perfect! Although I think I did it so that I knew and was in control of what went into the food that I was eating)
sorry this is so long, didn't mean to write a novel, but I feel better writing about it, too.

~J

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:48pm

He doesn't typically compliment me as much as he used to when we started dating 2 years ago. But since I've begun my recovery he tells me every so often how proud he is of me and how good I look. Like you, I keep getting the "You look better- healthier" line a lot. Not just from him but from my family as well. I too am guilty of perfectionism which is (I'm sure) why I began this whole thing in the first place. I wanted to be the perfect gf.

I can totally relate to your fear of eating out (either at a restaurant or at someone else's house). I used to keep a notebook on me at all times with the fat and cal content of every food imaginable! I broke it down in catergories for easy reference and researched as many restuarants as I could that have the cals and fat listed in all their food. For months the rule was that I wouldn't eat at home or out unless I could look it up in my book first to check the cals/fat. It's a really sick trait to have, in retrospect. It seems foolish now looking back on that time in my ED. I cannot tell you HOW helpful it was to see a nutritionist!! I've been seeing mine weekly since July. It's a but costly but the payback is tremdenous!!!! I've learned that cals & fat no longer matter to me- it'a about adequate nutrition. Not to be preachy, but seriously look into seeing a nutritionist. I'm not afraid to go out to eat anymore. Hanging out with friends and family is fun again!

This is not to say that I don't have bad days- cuz trust me - I do! Sometimes the ED voice is very strong and over-bearing. Out of this whole experience with my ED I must say that seeing a nutritionist has been the most rewarding thing.

They say that every addict (and an eating disorder is considered an addiction) has a moment of enlightenment where she realizes how severe her condition is. Mine was when I went to my assesment session at the Renfrew Center in August and they recommended I do the intensive inpatient program. That shook me. I realized then, "what the hell am I doing here?" "I don't deserve to be here!" That was my moment....have you had your moment yet?

Keep talking....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:33pm
He he! I just had to laugh when you mentioned your notebook...I had this little, kinda pocket-sized book that I bought at a bookstore that had a complete nutritional breakdown of every food imaginable- restaurants included! I carried one in my purse and had one at home, and I also would not eat anything unless I looked it up first. I also kept a journal, writing down everything I ate, and adding up my total calories throughout the day. You're right, it is so sick. There were times when I would have such stomach pain from hunger, but would not allow myself to eat anything else for fear of going over my calories for the day.
If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? How long have you known (or admitted) that you have a problem?
I'm so glad that you will share your experiences with me and will listen to mine. Good to know that there is someone else experiencing this hell that I put myself through, even if we are both trapped in the vicious cycle :/
And yes, to answer your question, I believe I have had that "moment"...several of them. The most painful of which was when Matt let me know that he knew, and told me that it was a problem. I knew before that of course, but I became defensive and all I could think at that moment was "how DARE you tell me I have a problem! I do this for YOU!". I realized that I was defending my ED over my BF. Isn't it appalling what an ED can make of us? And the most heart-wrenching part was that despite all my exhaustive efforts to be attractive to him, he was telling me that he was NOT attracted to what I had made of myself.
I should say here again that I had already reached my lowest weight when he and I met, so this was not his fault.
Then one morning not long after that tearful confrontation, I passed out in the shower. And yet again, he was there to save me from myself. That was when I knew I had to fight it.
~J

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