Just need to write it out...
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| Fri, 11-24-2006 - 3:17pm |
So i'm in recovery and I'm trying soooo hard to not worry about food, weight, etc. I promised myself and my boyfriend that i would eat 3 healthy meals a day and snacks if I wanted them. I felt ESTATIC the first 2 weeks! I felt incredible! My nutritionist and therapist were no longer worried that I was going into relapse. I stopped weighing myself gradually less and less and I must admit the doctors were right- it felt GREAT not weighing myself! :)
But now, I'm not that happy with the way I look anymore. I feel fat, ugly, unattracive and overweight. I know that rationally I'm not overweight but my body...my disgusting body. It's revolting! I try to be strong and not think about how I look but I can't help it. :/ How in the world does my boyfriend find me attractive or beautiful? I look like crap! I don't feel sexy. I don't feel beautiful. I feel disgusting and gross! I feel sad- sad that I am no longer sexy and attractive. I feel like I'm no longer beautiful enough to hold a man's attention. I feel like my boyfriend is just saying I look good b/c he fears I'll relapse and dive head first into my ED again.
How can I make myself feel better about myself? I'm not really looking for an answer from anyone- I just need to vent I guess and write out what I feel. They tell me that body image is the last thing to go and my God that S.O.B. is gripping on to me for dear life! When will this feeling pass? When will i look into the mirror and say to myself, "you're beautiful!" - when?! When will my self-worth come back?

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The notebook thing blows my mind. To think that we both had to use that as a tool for EVERY SINGLE thing we ate is crazy!!!
I'm 23 and I've had my ED since last February but it wasn't until July that I fulling admitted it to myself and others. How about you? How old are you?
Yes, yes, I've been through all that with my bf as well. Tim would PLEAD with me to eat and I wouldn't. We'd have HUGE fights over it and it almost ruined out relationship, but I'm so lucky that he never gave up on me and stood by my side to help me fight it. I see that Matt is the same way with you. He seems like a WONDERFUL guy and you should be so happy that you have someone in your life who cares so much about you and loves you enough to push you to fight your ED. Tim always told me that he didn't like the way I looked when I had my ED either. My ED killed everything- my mood, my spirit, my focus and concentration, my interest, my sex drive and it almost killed me.
You should really be VERY VERY proud of yourself on how far you've come along in battling your disorder. We're both kicking our ED's ass! :) Seruously...I don't mean to be pushy at all but really look into a nutritionist. Maybe she can help you with your fears about eating. It's been the most rewarding thing for me throughout this battle. Even more so that seeing a therapist (which I really dislike!). I'm not one to open up easily to people. Are you seeing any doctors during your recovery/battle?
Take care :)
Keep on keeping on, stay strong and take care of yourself! I will do the same!
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