she asked me why i don't eat *trigger*
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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:29pm |
my mom asked me why i don't eat this weekend
after everyone gorged on thanksgiving turkey
but not me
i didn't have one bite of that damn turkey
she asked me why girls want to be skinny...
so i tried to answer her honestly
sort of
mom, i said, society yells at us from the tv, from billboards, from magazines, movies, cereal boxes, athletic events, toilet paper packaging...just about EVERYTHING that to be THIN is to be beautiful, accepted, some how BETTER than those who aren't thin...
and who doesn't want to be BETTER?
but you are thin at 125lbs and 135 lbs...why do you want to be thinner than thin?
because, mom, i say, because the skinnier I am...the FURTHER AWAY from FAT i am...don't you understand? when i'm at 100lbs i have much more wiggle room than i do at 115lbs...much more room for MISTAKES...mistakes that i NEVER make...but in my mind, its why...
and maybe because when i see other girls, i think of how pretty they are, or how rich, or how smart, or how successful...and i don't feel that way...but there is ONE thing i can do better than MOST people...and thats BE SKINNY...
but i don't tell her the real reason...
about how i want to dissapear sometimes
or
the conflict going on in my head because of HIM...because of LOTS of men...men who give me attention because i look so young and LITTLE and CUTE
because i'm messed up in the head from 8 years of being the play thing of a dirty old man...lucky me, i was his favorite because even at 18 i didn't have breasts...you'd think it would make me want to be BIG and look womanly...but it doesn't
and she was there! not ten feet away half the time he had his hands up my swimsuit, or whispering dirty things in my ear...she was there...standing RIGHT THERE...
but i wouldn't have admitted it anyway...i wanted to be THE BEST at SOMETHING, and he was the only way to get there...
i wish i felt that way...felt that in order to beat him i should WANT to look like a woman instead of a little girl...i wish i could turn my back on it, get away from it...but i can't...and years of expensive therapy haven't helped either
so
mom
i like to be skinny...i like to go to bed at night comfortable in the fact that i'm LITTLE and CUTE and TINY
and i don't care if i get dizzy everytime i stand up
and you should know, mom
that i'm actually not that skinny...not compared to where i used to be...and that i'm actually kind of healthy, for a skinny person
i can do ballet again
and i DO eat...i eat all kinds of things...i LIKE food, even though it scares me...
all i want to do is stay on the skinny side of things
