Admitting this for the first time...
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| Sun, 12-03-2006 - 1:02am |
I just wanted to simply write this out and get it out of me somehow. I suffer from bulimia for over 3 years now since I initally lost weight due to loss of appetite and relationship issues at the time.
I think it was all of the undereating from those rough moments when eventually I started to overeat because of from depriving myself. I felt so guilty from overeating that first time which lead me to the idea of binge and purge.
Everyday after work I would go pick out all the sugary foods, cookies,cake,ice cream, chocolate and bring them home to binge and purge.
At the same time I also became obsessed with nutrition, calorie counting, overexercising, and eventually became underweight (90 lbs @ 5"2).
2 years has passed and slowly I've gained back my weight to a normal range of 104. I know this is a healthy range but I am not used to this weight and I'm constantly thinking about how much I miss my body at 90 or even 95 lbs.
I did well earlier this year where I was binge free for over 3 months. But after that it started again and I still find myself binging/purging sugary foods only at least once a week.
I go through these sessions about once a week. I have a good career and doing well with my continuing studies, exercising and seeing family etc. But I don't really have much of social life because of this and have slowly lost my friends I believe because of this. I don't think one would suspect I have this type of disorder because when I'm around people I tend to control my eating and am not afraid to eat in public but as soon as I'm alone I cannot control myself. Although my friends have suspected me of this when I got down to 90 lbs but I obviously did not admit this to them. When I'm alone, I'm always thinking if whether this is a good opportunity for me to binge and purge. I only crave for the sugary things.
I've made an effort to see my friends and live life again and I want to start dating again but I know I have to help myself first because this would be totally unfair to any future guy I was with and would jeprodise anything that may potentially turn out really well.
I know if I tried really hard not to think of binging and purging it would work, but I guess its the same for everyone else where its so easy to think of that and start planning on it.
As of today I am still obsessed with calorie counting. I'm not exercising as much but I still do. I have this fear that if I don't, I will gain weight - because I still want to eat. I will make sure I know what ingredients consist in whatever I will eat to ensure I can enter this in my calorie counting.
If you have read if this far, I really do thank your for listening...

Welcome to the ed message board, kitty8888,
Hi!
~Diana~
Hi kitty8888!
Sometimes it takes writing things down to get a better perspective on what's going on in your life. Recovery from an eating disorder does take a lot of time, patience, and will. Things don't change overnight.
When I was really deep in my ED, my therapist got me to carry a journal with me at all times. When I began to feel anxious or nervous, she told me to write down anything that was in my head, what was going on with me that day, etc. It was a good way to blow off steam and let things off my chest. Eventually, I would read my entries and found a pattern in my behavior and anxiety. It really helped me with my recovery.
Try to reach out to others. I know that you probably isolated yourself and that only makes your ED take over more. Surround yourself with positive people!
I don't know about everyone else but when I was in recovery I didn't (and still don't) concentrate on the numbers. The numbers (weight, calories, etc) were such a major trigger and I couldn't deal well with them. I would concentrate on
When I was really deep in my ED, my therapist got me to carry a journal with me at all times. When I began to feel anxious or nervous, she told me to write down anything that was in my head, Really!
~Diana~
It was pratically right away. Remember, the saying "age is nothing but a number"? I adopted that and used it for my recovery. Eventually, numbers on the scale were nothing but numbers. They were not going to kill me, hurt me, or destroy me. In my mind I had to take whatever was so powerful and make it so that it was practically nothing. When it's practically nothing, it has no control over you.
It was a way for me to cope and move on. Move on to more important things. Afterall, they are only figures printed on a piece of metal.
Hi,
Wow Thanks for all of your feedbacks. I am so thankful to know there is someone listening somewhere located in this continent!
Yes I will try to make more of a habit of writing my thoughts down, starting a journal somehow, but I tell you its easier said than done! Especially for someone with a busy schedule the last thing to do is take some time to write a journal. I suppose one could go about ending an evening with writing the journal.
Counting numbers is going to be hard letting go, it has just become a bad habit of me ( I know, weird) and I think that partly plays a role in feeding my eating disorder, - by making sure I don't go overboard and if the numbers go overboard I might as well let loose and purge.
Thanks again =)
Hi duf39,
Thought you might be interested in our Compulsive Overeating board, also, for some additional support