Need to confess- feeling horrible- help
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Need to confess- feeling horrible- help
| Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:10am |
Hello everyone.
I was doing so well; over 2 weeks and no binging or purging.
Then last night I came home from a fun evening out with friends and screwed everything up. After my bf went to bed, I finished off the last half of a pint of B&J low-fat frozen yogurt, a full-size Baby Ruth candy bar, finished off what was probably about 2 servings of those Quaker Multigrain mini rice cakes along with some peanut butter, a sugar-free pudding snack with a granola bar and some more peanut butter, 2 HUGE bowls of cereal, a few pretzels and I THINK that's everything because I was so full I almost threw up naturally. It hurt SO bad. I was not remotely hungry or anything. I did not purge so I felt pretty good about that. I just sucked it up and lived with it. I told myself it will not make me fat, just sick, angry and terribly sad, which I knew, and it did. I need to try to remember how horrible it feels after a binge and not do it, but the deamon takes over and I just have no control. It's like I'm not even there, just floating around eating everything that's not nailed down. SO then I cried to my dog and passed out on the couch only to wake up to a very worried boyfriend standing over me at 3am. He knew what I had done because I started eating the yogurt before he wenrt to sleep. That wasn't weird, but he saw me go for the candy bar on his way to bed and asked me to please please not over-eat and just finish watching the game and go right to bed. Yeah, I listened to that advice. Ha. Wish I had. I feel so dissapointed and angry at myself. Then I got mad at him because if he knew I might binge why didn't he stop me or stay up with me to watch me and that's just dumb. He got mad at me and told me I was an adult and had to start acting like one: self-control, taking responsibility for my own actions, etc. I totally tried to put it off on him. I worry he's getting tired of helping me in my recovery and everything, but I know he loves me and will be with me through thick and thin. I just was doing so well and I f'ed that up big time. Can some one give me some support?
I was doing so well; over 2 weeks and no binging or purging.
Then last night I came home from a fun evening out with friends and screwed everything up. After my bf went to bed, I finished off the last half of a pint of B&J low-fat frozen yogurt, a full-size Baby Ruth candy bar, finished off what was probably about 2 servings of those Quaker Multigrain mini rice cakes along with some peanut butter, a sugar-free pudding snack with a granola bar and some more peanut butter, 2 HUGE bowls of cereal, a few pretzels and I THINK that's everything because I was so full I almost threw up naturally. It hurt SO bad. I was not remotely hungry or anything. I did not purge so I felt pretty good about that. I just sucked it up and lived with it. I told myself it will not make me fat, just sick, angry and terribly sad, which I knew, and it did. I need to try to remember how horrible it feels after a binge and not do it, but the deamon takes over and I just have no control. It's like I'm not even there, just floating around eating everything that's not nailed down. SO then I cried to my dog and passed out on the couch only to wake up to a very worried boyfriend standing over me at 3am. He knew what I had done because I started eating the yogurt before he wenrt to sleep. That wasn't weird, but he saw me go for the candy bar on his way to bed and asked me to please please not over-eat and just finish watching the game and go right to bed. Yeah, I listened to that advice. Ha. Wish I had. I feel so dissapointed and angry at myself. Then I got mad at him because if he knew I might binge why didn't he stop me or stay up with me to watch me and that's just dumb. He got mad at me and told me I was an adult and had to start acting like one: self-control, taking responsibility for my own actions, etc. I totally tried to put it off on him. I worry he's getting tired of helping me in my recovery and everything, but I know he loves me and will be with me through thick and thin. I just was doing so well and I f'ed that up big time. Can some one give me some support?

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The next best thing to acting perfect, is acting well.
Learn to forgive yourself for what you did (cause theres nothing else you can do) and continue doing well.
Remember, your continueing your 2 weeks of healthy life style, NOT starting over. Its just one little bump in the road.
Bf's helping you with your recovery is about loving you for you.
No need to mention food names on the board :)
~Diana~
Oh no! Don't beat yourself up over this! Let this go and move on.
Yes, Catherine is so completely right!
~Diana~
Thanks for your support. I can't tell you guys how much this board has been helping me. Not being alone is so empowering. I might be lucky enough to have friends and family supporting me, but it's so wonderful to have people that KNOW what it's like. It's so indescribable sometimes and I don't have to tell you how hard it is. Thank you thank you.
I have not had any "episodes" since, so I'll hang in there.
Now let me go read the new posts and see if I can return the favor by supporting some one else.
First of all, congratulations on your two weeks. Don't let a setback make you forget that triumph. Even bigger congratulations on not purging when you did overeat. I know how out of control bingeing is, but you can slowly gain back control. Every step you take is a step toward that goal. You made two huge steps first by going two weeks and then by not purging. I bet you'll find as time goes on and you continue to fight this demon that you will be able to hold back on the binge a bit at a time. Try to start noticing the times that you binge. What foods are around? What is going on in your life. Just notice. Don't judge or try to change them yet. Once you feel you know your bingeing habits inside and out then you can work on changing the foods and situations and feelings that lead to a binge.
I know you feel disappointed in the binge but always keep in mind the strength you had to not purge.
It's easy to get mad at the people around us for not stopping us, but really they can't. Often having others intervene or hold us accountible leads to us being more defensive and secretive. You are projecting your own anger and disappointment on him, and perhaps the other way around? Perhaps you are feeling what you think others would feel if they caught you in a binge.
Just my thoughts and I'm sorry if I'm way off.
Lilly, you are doing so great!
~Diana~
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