new...am I in trouble?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
new...am I in trouble?
12
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:51pm
I have never posted on any discussion boards before, but have been tempted to do so. After reading some postings, I decided to. I think what I am looking for, is others opinions on if I may have an eating disorder or not. I often times have people tell me I'm too skinny. Recently, I was in a cafeteria at work getting a salad, and an older woman walked up to me and said "thank god you eat, people that look like you just usually starve themselves." My parents have made comments as well as some of my friends. However, someone very close to me doesn't think I am too skinny, so I usually base my feelings on his opinion.
I guess I should give some background. I was an athlete my entire life, all through college. In high school, I was definitely anorexic. My entire day would consist of an apple, yogurt, and small portions of whatever my parents made for dinner. I was also working out 2-3 hours a day being an athlete.
Now, I fear that has come back into my life. I count calories like crazy. I try not to go over a certain number each day, and if I do, I feel awful. My friends go out to eat often, but I will never go unless I know the menu inside and out, and know what the low calorie options are. Also, I am in a circle of friends that very much enjoy social drinking. It is very hard for me to go out with them because I am constantly thinking about the calories consumed...although I order diet soda and a very small amount of hard alcohol.
Something else that worries me is that I watch what everyone else eats (mainly women) and think about how many calories that must contain and can't believe they are putting that in their body. I also constantly look at other women's bodies and pick out their flaws and compare them to my own body. That is hard for me to admit, because I like to think that I am a nice person!
I also have problems eating in front of people. If I am eating healthy, I'm ok with it. But at a Christmas party the other night, I was offered a bite size cookie, and ate it. The entire time, I was so worried that everyoen was watching me and thinking how fat I am, or that I will get fat, because I was eating the cookie. Days later, I'm still thinking about it.
I think what I am asking is if this is abnormal? I don't know if all women think this way, and I am worrying over nothing, or if I really need to try to take some steps to receive help. Thank you for reading such a long posting..this was hard for me to write. I'm looking forward to responses so I can get some peace of mind. Thank you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:32am
Its ironic that I come across this string of messages; it really hit home. I too have been wondering if I really have an issue like this. A lot of people say that I do, but I always deny it, telling them I just want to stay thin, or relatively thin. I always think that when some of my women friends are telling me that I am skinny or so small, I think that they just view me that way because they are heavier than I am. When I don't hear the same comments from thin people, I think that they must view me as bigger than themselves. I take that as fact that I am not too thin.
I too, count every calorie every day all day. I won't eat meat of any kind anymore. I know I need protein, so I allow myself to eat unsalted nuts that aren't too high in fat and I eat lowfat cheese. I take a lot of vitamins and herbs because I know I don't eat a lot of other things. I do eat a lot of vegetables and when I eat carbs I try and only eat wheat or high fiber things. Whenever my husband says that I am too skinny I point out the areas that I still have fat on like my hips and above my waist, which is the area of myself that I hate. I do feel like that area has too much on it. I have always wanted a flat stomach and it seems like I have to hardly eat and work out at least three to four times a week to get it. I hate that I can't work out like I would like too. I am a Mom/step-mom of a blended family of eight, so I don't have time to work out everyday which I would love, but work out as often as I can. I find that on the days I don't work out I feel terribly guilty and won't eat as much that night and try and just stay busy around the house so I won't eat.
I deny that I am truly anorexic because I don't look emaciated like I see pictures, and I am not losing weight be any means, plus I don't exercise more than I should; I barely get to do cardio type work-outs enough to constitute 'over-exercising' and I do let myself eat.
Like you said as well; I think about food all the time and feel guilty for that too. I feel better when I am hungry or at least not full. I hate feeling full, so I eat very small snacks all day instead of meals. I make excuses at dinner time so that I don't have to eat dinner. I hate when we have company, or like now at Christmas my Mom will be here and make dinner and I dread having to sit at the table and have them pressure me to eat what they are.
I'm afraid of admitting any of this to anyone around me because if I get 'help' or tell a therapist then I will have to start eating they way they think I should and I that makes me really scared.
Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 9:55am

It's hard to tell where the line between "healthy eating' and an eating disorder lies, but if you are unfomfortable with your eating habits then that should be a sign.\


Don't be afraid about telling someone, they are not out to make you fat just healthy.

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