Recovery hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Recovery hurts
8
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 8:47pm

It's been a while since I've checked into what's been happening on the board. Looks like we have a new co-cl - congratulations Catherine! I guess I am trying to resurface and remain afloat from my intense ED world and even more intensive recovery process. Things turned from not-so-good to pretty-bad several weeks ago. We were at a decision point about treatment options and I was encouraged to consider a higher level of care. The team and I talked about several options, and I chose to up the intensity of therapy by checking in with my individual therapist twice a week and adding a session once a week with my DH. It's exhausting, but there's additional accountability that's helping me stay recovery-focused. I talk to someone on my treatment team nearly every day of the week, so I have to stay in touch with my feelings and behaviours. I think that's what I need right now. It's so easy for me to numb over and avoid dealing with the hard stuff and the real issues at hand.

Through all of this I've gotten more in touch with why I choose to restrict and over-exercise instead of face my past. But it hurts so much. I've never felt pain like this before - well actually I've never allowed myself to feel this pain before. It's like I am re-experiencing the pain from the past - the kind I learned how to remove or detach myself from - and I have three people around me asking me to feel the pain. They want me to sit with it and work through the emotions rather than run, restrict, SI, dissociate, or numb over. If I truly let myself feel, it hurts so much. I've wanted to reach out, to post on the board, and be there for others, but at the end of each day, all I want to do is curl up with a book, a glass of wine, and then fall asleep. The problem is, none of that stuff takes the pain away. It's still raging inside me. I guess this is a process - and a long one at that - but I am continuing to go through it. The pain diminishes eventually, right? I've been feeling like recovery is getting harder and harder for a long time now. Does it ever turn easier? When does that happen? I am kind of feeling like I might not ever make it over to the "recovered" side of this ED mountain.

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 8:52pm

Good to hear from you. It's been a while.


I'm glad you're stepping up therapy. That's a great step toward recovery.


Just for your information I have been referred to the eating disorder outpatient program. I'll let you know how that goes...when I get in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:01pm
Thanks. Definitely let us know how the outpatient program is. One of this options I considered was an evening outpatient program so that I could still work during the day but then have intensive treatments in the evenings. This option isn't totally off the books right now - kind of depends how things go. I go back and forth wondering what's best - dealing with things for an hour or two each day amidst my regular work schedule or taking a break from work to have a concentrated and intensive period of time to devote to treatment. A lot of the time, the back and forth between work and treatment is really hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 10:16pm

It's good to hear that you chose to step up in your program. It's a realization that you want to really fight this thing and move foward. Extensive outpatient treatment is extremely hard because you are constantly put in the position to deal with yourself in a healthy manner. I spent 4 out of 7 days with my recovery team when I was in treatment. I think I saw them more than my own parents. But my team kept me in check and at the point I needed it! It's good to hear that DH is with you in your sessions, every person who supports you is a plus.


I can't tell you when it will go away but the pain does get better. For me, the pain went away in stages. Keep the faith. That mountain may look huge but you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 11:24am

Hi hi hi hi hi!!! (((((So-cal))))) !!!!


Sorry I wasn't here when you posted!

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 12:30pm

Thanks Diana. I'm so sorry to hear that your back pain has returned. I hope that the pain management continues to work, especially through the holiday season! (((((hugs)))))

And Catherine, thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement.

I think it's going to be a long time before I truly feel better. What I've learned through this process is that I have the ability to supress memories so deeply that it's amazing I have made it this far. I've had so many memories surfacing (of abuse and neglect by my parents, sexual abuse on several occasions, and coaching through my athletic involvement) that have shaped the person I am today. It's shaped how I react to situations and it explains why I use food and exercise to control my emotions and to hold down the memories and the feelings associated with those memories.

So, I've started to remember. At first I would remember and I was able to detach from the memory and not feel anything associated with the particular memory. I was told I was doing this so I didn't have to feel the pain associated with each memory, but now I am starting to feel the pain. And, by stepping up my treatment and starting couple's therapy with my DH, I have to accept these memories as true and start to let him in. I have to say them outload to him so that he can understand why I am the way I am and why I react the way I react. So, we're just starting this next phase of acceptance, acknowledgement, and saying the actual words. It's so hard, but now there are so many people involved (doctor, psychologist, therapist, dietician, group members from the ED group, and DH) that I can't close up or give up.

Thanks again for the cyber-hugs. I need them right now. I need all the hugs I can get. It's hard, it's sad, but I know that by opening up, accepting the past, and sharing this with my DH, there's a good chance that I will feel better once it's all out in the open.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 12:12pm

WOW.


(long pause........)


 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2005
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 1:03pm

"I have a couple of questions, they might sound dumb to you, but here goes anyway :)"

no problem - these are easy ones compared to the ones i've been dealing with lately!

"Do you mean that dh doesn't know about these experiences?"

i've told him bits and pieces of some of the memories, but he doesn't know the extent of things or about the memories from my college and young adult years.

"And from what you wrote, are you saying that you have had trouble admitting that these things really actually happened to you? Is that how deeply the memories have been repressed?"

i actually didn't remember the instances of abuse, but my family kind of did and i've had several boyfriends in the past ask me if i can been abused. things came to a head about 3 years ago when i started yelling and crying at my DH during an intimate moment. we knew then that there was something inside me that had to be dealt with. as my T and i started to talk about that stuff, that's when my ED came back and started full-force. the ED was my attempt and controlling, suppressing and holding in the memories that were starting to come to me.

"I think I have the same problem ..."

what makes you wonder that you have the same problem? do you want to share more about this?

it's kind of scary opening up and i've hesitated for several months because there's so much to what's going on. it's so complicated and so complex and full of so much junk. there's no easy way to keep all the pieces contained; it's like i'm piecing together my life story and starting to understand who i am and why i am the way i am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 1:06pm

It took a lot of courage and strength to disclose your past. I hope that you realize the huge step you have taken

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