Personal crisis

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Personal crisis
9
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:13pm
I've been having my own personal crisis with depression, suicidality and a decision on the part of my eating disorder to continue to lose weight. I had a hard time over the holidays which made me rebound into restriction and purging.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:25am
Sorry to hear about your hard time. I was doing great all semester at college, then when I came home, I too had a relapse and started old habits of my ED. Hope things are going better. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:56pm

Amanda,


Please, try to take a few moments to do something really good to yourself. Take a long shower. Take a walk. Sometimes we get so involved in making sure everyone around us are having a great time but forget to do the same for ourselves. You deserve so much more than you give yourself credit for.


Try to take it moment-by-moment and look are any positive aspects in your life that you can hold on to. Try to move forward and don't dwell on what you did in the past. Look into at what you can do at this moment to help yourself regain the strength that you know you have. You made a huge step by letting us know that you are in a low point. Everyone has times in their recovery when they think it's too hard or difficult - but you have the strength, wisdom, and hope in your heart to continue moving forward. Sometimes you need to dig a little deeper in your heart and soul to find them.


Good luck! I'm thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.


Catherine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 2:35pm

Sorry this is happening (((Amanda))) !!


Depression makes it hard to think straight, give yourself a break if you can.

 

 

~Diana~

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:37pm
Hope things are getting better for you too.

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Avatar for schitz
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Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:40pm

Thanks Catherine.


I had a shower, put on makeup and went out for karaoke but what happiness it brought me was short lived. I just have to accept that for me the point between mania and depression is dysthymia not stability. I still don't know what to do about my conscious decision to stay anorexic. I guess next week when the programs start up again I'll have more feeback.

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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:45pm

Thanks Diana,


It's hard to change the irrational thoughts when you aren't even thinking straight enough to identify whether they are irrational in the first place.


My shrink is on vacation for 3 weeks. Wonderful timing. I'll see my family doctor as soon as I can but who knows when that will be.


I talked to a couple people in my household but not to the extremes of thought that I'm having.


I know the crisis numbers but always feel guilty or stupid for calling them. Last time I called they sent a team to my house and I got the feeling from them that I was wasting their time.


Same goes for the hospital. Despite the bipolar diagnosis all they see is the borderline personality disorder diagnosis and think that all I need to do is get out therapy and get on with my life. Sorry doesn't work that way.


I've discovered that the most stability I can hope for is dysthymia which is a low grade depression that lasts a long time. Honestly I'd rather be manic. Of course my memories of mania tend to downplay the negatives.

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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 8:25pm

What a new years. I usually spend it with my friend but he hasn't called me. I haven't called him either and I don't care. That's not what makes it a bad night. Instead of spending time with my "family" aka my friend's family who I live with, I had a date with ED. I went to the pizza store bought a pizza and ate it in the park. I tried 5 times to purge in the garbage cans I passed but was unsuccessful. I guess I didn't have enough liquid, that's what's been the difference other times. I feel so defeated and not because I binged, because I was unable to purge. The part of me fighting the ED is gone. Now I'm just upset that I can't even do this correctly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
In reply to: schitz
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:56pm

Yep I know that feeling.

 

 

~Diana~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: schitz
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:31pm

Surprisingly it's not holiday hype. There were no parties or get togethers except going to my friend's family's house one day and I didn't have high expectations for that. Still, that night is what triggered the purging and the week before I was eating more than usual and that triggered the restricting. I've binged the last two days but haven't been purged and I feel weak for not being able to purge, like food is going to get the best of

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