Fear of help *possible triggers*
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| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:11pm |
Reading through a lot of the posts on here I find that I relate somewhat. I have never been a bing/purge type, in fact sometimes I wished that I could purge sometimes because I think that's easier than restricting, but I know that when I was in high school I was probably borderline anorexic. I would scarcely eat and insist on doing sit-ups every night and run three to four days a week whether I was healthy or sick and whether it was nice outside or not. A lot of people lately tell me I'm too thin and that I never eat, but those people are all bigger than I am and I believe that what they see is my masking what I truly look like with clothes. At least that is how my mind rationalizes it.
I always deny it, telling them I just want to stay thin, or relatively thin. When 'thin' women don't tell me I'm too thin, I must not be. In fact when I see women thinner than me it makes me analyze myself even more and get depressed that I don't have the will power they must have. I recently saw an episode of Boston Legal where a girl was defending her 'right' against her mother to be a 'Pro-Ana'. I never heard of this, but it does exist; they have a web site. When I heard how this girl sticks to like 16 to 20 calories, I almost wished I could be like that. When I saw the web site and saw how thin the girls were, I knew that was not me because I am not skin and bones like that!
I too, count every calorie every day all day. I won't eat meat of any kind anymore. Only when someone is watching me like my mother or husband and insists that I eat with them; and then I eat the smallest portion I can. I know I need protein, so I allow myself to eat unsalted nuts that aren't too high in fat and I eat lowfat cheese. I take a lot of vitamins and herbs because I know I don't eat a lot of other things. I do think I eat healthy when I do; vegetables and wheat or high fiber things. I feel fine, so why do people hassle me? I want to be thin. I was heavy once a long time ago and I cannot go back there, plus like I heard from someone else here, it seems to be the only thing I have control over; its the only thing I feel I have done right besides my daughter's, in this life. I have always wanted a flat stomach and it seems like I have to hardly eat and work out at least three to four times a week to get it. I hate that I can't work out like I would like too. I am a Mom/step-mom of a blended family of eight, so I don't have time to work out everyday which I would love, but work out as often as I can. I find that on the days I don't work out I feel terribly guilty and won't eat as much that day/night and try and just stay busy around the house so I won't eat.
I hate that I feel like I am in a constant struggle against food. I think of it as my enemy sometimes, because I want it, but it does bad things to me. I feel guilty for that too. I feel better when I am hungry or at least not full. I hate feeling full, so I eat very small snacks all day instead of meals. I make excuses at dinner time so that I don't have to eat dinner. I hate when we have company, I dread having to sit at the table and have them pressure me to eat what they are. I don't even like going out to dinner anymore, because I know all the food on the menu's are high in fat and I feel terrible when I 'let go' and allow myself to eat that stuff.
I'm afraid of admitting any of this to anyone around me because if I get 'help' or tell a therapist then I will have to start eating the way they think I should and that makes me really scared. When I eat 'normal' I gain weight.

Hi there mom-calilady!
~Diana~
Hi mom_calilady! Welcome to the board!
There's nothing I could add to Diana's message. I completely agree with her. It takes time, a whole lot of courage and small steps to get yourself on a healthy lifestyle. People "hassle" you because they care. Although it may seem like they are intruding in your business, they mean well. Sometimes we don't see things that are right in front of us and it takes the perspective of others to bring us into reality.
Catherine
The other reason is because I don't think I 'look' anorexic. I still have 'fat' around my middle from having children and I don't look anything like Nicole Ritchie for example.
In fact, I feel fine. One post I read, they remarked that they like being 'below' their weight because it gave them a cushion to fall back on. Well, its as if I know that one day all of this 'will go away' and I'll probably start gaining weight, so I like knowing that I have 'room'.
The part I hate is thinking about it all the time. I make decisions around where we might eat or who I might have to be around so that I can make sure no one will make me eat. I hate when we have to go to my in-laws because I know I'll have to make a plate and eat, I don't want to be rude and not eat and I'm afraid of food, I dont' trust myself to just eat a little, so if I don't take any I won't eat any.
In a way I feel like if I go back to my regular diet that I have failed. This is something I am controlling and in my mind succeeding at. I had a very controlling ex-husband and I have realized that I started back to these 'traits' after our divorce. One thing he used to point out in not so many words was that I couldn't do anything right.
I guess the reason I feel like people are 'hassling' me is I don't feel like I look as thin as they are making out. Just because I don't eat the way 'they' do and because I am thinner than they are, they say they are worried. Well, I feel fine. My periods haven't stopped I don't look like Nicole Ritchie, or Mary Kate Olsen, and I don't get sick, so what can be so wrong? Not everyone says that I am too thin so I feel sometimes that it must just be that (I hate to say it) but maybe my friends are just a little jealous.
What you need to do next is find yourself some help.
~Diana~
I thought this area was for discussion of this topic/disorder in general. The topic description states that this is an area for discussion of feelings and a place to share our issues with this disorder, not just our treatment and recovery hurdles and accomplishments. I was really happy to find a place where I could bounce my comments and feelings off of people who might understand what I was going through.
See, I am not convinced that I need help, or at least professional. I don't see my issues as that terrible. I wasn't sure if I am 'anorexic'. I don't think I display or portray all of the symptoms. I was trying to reach out and get other opinions and I feel as though I have just been told to go tell my problems to a doctor and don't bother the people in this group.
I'm sorry if I bothered anyone, or if I offended anybody.
I'm sorry!
~Diana~