Still not doing well...trigs
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| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 6:47pm |
Hi everyone. I could really use support right now. My pdoc is on vacation and my eating disorder centre is in between groups at the time.
I am depressed and suicidal and cut myself the other day to release the pain as an alternative to taking the pills. Thank god I wasn't admitted. I somehow managed to convince them that I wasn't a danger to myself or others (despite the fact that I had been suicidal for weeks). The stupid thing is the only think that I could think about as a reason not to go into the hospital is if I go in on a form 1 I will be restricted to ward and won't be able to smoke! If I could guarantee that I'd have off ward privedges then I would stay. That's my 6th or 7th time in the hospital in a year and a bit.
The biggest problem right now is my eating disorder. I've been restricting for a year and I'm sure that doesn't help the depression I'm in, but since Christmas break I've started bingeing and purging again. That makes me really mad at myself on two opposite fronts. One because I know I shouldn't be doing it and the other that I'm a failure at it (I know I don't throw up all I eat) And the other unhealthy thought is that if I could just get back to eating "right" I could stop bingeing and purging. Of course to me eating right is not eating, eating only fruit or safe foods or liquids only.
Here is one of my binges. I walked over to the pizza store and ordered a pizza and ate it then I walked through the park trying to through up in the garbage cans. I was unsuccessful.
Is it wrong for me to want to be able to throw up. I feel it's a safety net that I could use when I don't eat right. Does anyone else have problems throwing up?
co-cl of the Self-Injury board
co-cl of the Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board
cl of the Borderline Personality Disorder board


Amanda,
I'm so sorry to not getting back to you sooner but my boys are sick (and have been for over a week now). As I was reading your post, there was something you said that got my attention.
"That makes me really mad at myself on two opposite fronts. One because I know I shouldn't be doing it and the other that I'm a failure at it (I know I don't throw up all I eat) And the other unhealthy thought is that if I could just get back to eating "right" I could stop bingeing and purging."
Thinking that recovery is going to be perfect all, most, or half the time is setting yourself up for very dangerous thinking. It's also setting yourself up for failure. Recovery is not easy and it sure isn't a pretty process. My recovery was/is filled with set backs. But you need to forgive yourself. Don't dwell on what you did yesterday. Don't dwell on what you did a hour ago. Look forward and keep pushing. Make small goals. It will help you build your confidence. It also help you see that you are able to reach even bigger goals later. For example, I'm not going to binge this hour. I'm not going to restrict this hour.
Are you seeing a nutritionist or dietician? They can help you get on a meal plan that you are comfortable with but also help you move forward from the liquid
Hey Amanda,
Sorry I am so late getting to you.
~Diana~
Thanks Catherine.
Trying not to dwell on it and have actually managed to eat well today, not restricting more than usual and not purging. YAY! I ate a full meal today.
Hoping that the groups at the ED centre start up again this week. Going to check after I finish up here.
I think what helped today was being in a different situation. I went back to school today. I also went out to a concert and had a good time. Those things caused a slight ease in the depression and the depression makes me want to binge therefore less depression equals less bingeing.
Thanks Diana.
Nope no more smoking rooms. They did when I was in the hospital in February, but as of June you can't even smoke under any permanent overhang i.e. on a building or an awning!
Things were better today as I said in my reply to Catherine.
Thanks for the email offer. I'll keep it in mind, but know that I'll have a huge "guilt" hurdle to get over before I'll ever email for help lol.
Hugs,
~Diana~
OK, whatever you are comfortable with.
~Diana~
Trying not to dwell on it and have actually managed to eat well today, not restricting more than usual and not purging. YAY! I ate a full meal today.