where I'm at ...possible triggs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
where I'm at ...possible triggs
5
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 12:53pm
Where I’m at…I’m doing very well! I am right on track. I have peace with food. I’m eating as I need to eat. My recovery food wise is going well. Body image wise it is a little bit touchy. This is the focus of my recovery right now, and I am making progress towards recovery and wellness. I have put on 10 pounds in the last 6 months and it shows. I feel it and don’t like it. I just don’t like my shape. I have realized though writing about it and working the 12 steps that this is about acceptance and love. I want to be fully well, and I have been told that for my body to function at it’s highest level it needs to be at it’s ideal body weight. I talked with my sponsor this morning about not putting on anymore weight , and she asked me what my doctor thinks…she thinks what I said above. I bought a pretty pair of pants and a lovely skirt for spring and I want them to fit so I can enjoy them. This might not be possible if I put on the ten pounds needed to hit my ideal.
I am thinking recovery…I am thinking about the fact that I am a woman, and that women have curves, and that I want to be proud of those curves. And I am sometimes. Luckily I have people in my life that are healthy. That tell me I look wonderful and beautiful and to keep doing what I am doing. This is God’s grace and God’s gift.
It was at this point that I had my first major relapse where I lost 20 lbs. I now have stronger recovery. I know eating well, and putting on weight is what I am meant to do. That is God’s will for me to be healthy and strong, and that what I am doing is what I need to be doing to achieve good health. And I want to be healthy and strong. Through prayer and reliance on God I got the message from inside my soul that I need to have faith. That if I do what is in my best interest things will work out. That I will find peace, joy, and health. I believe this and walk in faith. All is okay!
I also am struggling with exercise…weather to do it or not…my doctor thinks it will help me become stronger, and give me more energy. (This disease took my energy and my strength). But, part of me wants to do it just to change how I look and shape my body into a less fat body, and how I want it look. My therapist tells me that exercising to change my shape is thinking I’m not okay the way I am, and that this perpetuates the disease. Makes it stronger, I think he’s right. I’m not okay as I am is the disease talking. I am the way God made me and am okay and beautiful as is.
I think it might be about intention. That if my intention is to be healthy and strong exercise is okay. If it’s disease talking that motivates me then all is not okay. I would love to hear how other deal with exercise and this disease.
Peace and Love,
Anna
In Love and Peace, Anna
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:16pm
I feel you on the not wanting to gain weight thing. It's scary and hard. I feel like I like where I am, but I just had my boyfriend in tears yeaterday telling me how sick I still look even though I am up 10 pounds from ly lowest weight. We talked for a long time and we were both crying. It's hard to see for yourself that you need the weight, but do what your doctor tells you. Everyone is different and some one might be the same height and build etc. but have a different "ideal weight". Just try to accept how lovely you are whether or not that new shirt and pants fit once spring rolls around. I feel the same, I am thinking "All of my cute clothes won't fit!" The I stop and do a reality check. Who cares?? What's more important? Your health or some stupid outfit? Plus, I bet that same outfit will look ten times hotter with a few more pounds on you. And you know what? I bet the only thing other people will notice is how much happier and healthy you look. I am no professional, but I do think yo ushould continue to get regular exercise. It's just good for you. Make sure you're giving your body enough fuel if you do work out! Maybe do more mild exercise until you are strong again... walking, yoga, stuff like that. Gentle thigns can still be beneficial but won't jar your body. ANYHOO... take care of yourself and I hope we can chat again. I feel like I am on the same page as you are and I could use the motivation to get healthy too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:44am

Hi Anna, so good hearing from you!


I'd keep working with the therapist and doctor to keep working on your attitude about exercise.

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:42pm

Hello Lily!!

 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:12pm
Hello! Things are going well and the same sounds true for you. I am not perfect, and I know I have and will slip up, but over all, I feel whole and human again. I still get some anxiety about food, I can feel triggers that would normally lead to a binge, but I am strong enough to power through it these days. I close my eyes, breathe deeply and think "This too shall pass." And it does. It's still a fight but it's all good.
How are you?
I was thinking that I wish we all had more time to contribute to the board more often...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 12:57pm

Oh Lily, I know what you mean about the time thing.

 

 

~Diana~