alex_289 - regarding recovery
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| Thu, 02-22-2007 - 3:45pm |
Hi Alex,
I am almost 40 years old and still battling anorexia. When I read your posts, it seems that your ED still has a strong hold over you and that you have not yet reached that turning point where YOU are ready to get better. Right now, it appears that everyone else wants you better but you do not. I have so been there!! I am 5'5" and dropped to 80 pounds as of last March. I was lucky and didn't have to be hospitalized. Instead I started counseling, seeing a medical doctor and a nutritionist for outpatient treatment. It took almost a year before I would give up the anorexia and I still fight the urge to restrict. In the beginning I followed the plan to please my family (I am married and have 3 kids), but still found a million and one ways to make it look like I was eating more than I did. I fooled everyone and was so pleased with myself, until I realized that this was nothing to be celebrated. I was hurting myself, deceiving the very people that I love and that love me, and scaring the heck out of my family. My medical tests were terrible. My blood counts were in the critical range, I have osteoporosis and have to take medicine for it, my period has been gone since 2001 and probably won't return, I am freezing all the time, I can't think clearly to save my life, I jumble up my words, my hair looks awful and I want to sleep all the time. After a year of "treatment," I have gained 7 pounds. It is a start, but I am no where near where I should be. My husband loves me, but had gotten to the point where he could not bear to see me without clothes because he said I looked so terrible. He said I looked worse than any pictures of people he had seen in the Holocaust. Despite all this, I wouldn't give it up, until about a month ago. The turning point came when I realized that I don't want to live like this anymore. Life is too short. I have to tell myself over and over that when I reflect back on my life, the size of my body will not define me - it won't even matter at that point. What I did was bite the bullet. I gave it up and trusted all those people who claim they want the best for me. I eat 3 meals a day whether I want to or not. I found that making decisions about food was nearly impossible for me. I would stare at the cupbaord or fridge trying to figure out what to eat - calculating calories and fat grams over and over. Finally, I would get to frustrated I would just not eat. It was easier, safer. Now I have protein bars and prepackaged meals ready for those moments. All I have to do is eat a protein bar for breakfast, and a frozen meal for lunch. No decisions!! I committed to doing this and I honsetly say I have not skipped a meal in 4 1/2 weeks. THis is a record for me. I still want to restrict all the time, but I don't. Even today, I had the perfect excuse not to eat breakfast because I was going to the dentist, but instead, I packed my protein bar and ate it after the appointment. I still ate the frozen meal for lunch too - just a little later. I won't go back and I urge you to trust all those folks who care for you. Please, don't wind up like me. My life is half over and I have given anorexia way too much time already. I have caused my poor body damage that I cannot undo. Remember the scale is just a stupid number. I don't even weigh myself anymore and have decided that as my clothes no longer begin to fit, I will get rid of them. I don't want reminders that I was smaller before. My husband needs his wife and my kids need their mom. That is what matters in life - not a number.
Take care of yourself. You can't get this time back.
Ilse

~Alex~