New here...think it's happening again
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| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 5:05pm |
Hi...
I've been struggling with eating disorders for almost 15 years. It's been an up and down roller coaster for sure. My problems started when I was 13 with anorexia. Dealt with that (without treatment) for 5 years. At my worst I was 5'8" and 102 pounds...wanted to be a lot thinner but family got concerned so I tried to put on the weight. I did put on weight but I relapsed but this time turned bulimic (just cuz I got to eat food). But the binging and purging didn't work as well and the restrictive diet and excessive exercise did to keep the pounds off. Well I got pregnant at the age of 20 and that sent my head spinning but I managed to stop the destructive behavior. I've had 2 more kids in the 8.5 years I have been married and didn't relapse until just recently. I lost a lot of weight really quickly in the past year and my family keeps throwing it my face that I'm bulimic again (which I am not, clearly am on towards the anorexic side). I don't eat...sometimes not on purpose but I think deep down I do cuz I'm afraid of gaining weight. I'm not particularly thin right now 5'9" and 125 (I was 122 last week so that makes my BMI 18 but not anorexic). I'm going through a lot of stuff personally right now which makes me feel like this is all stress related but I'm getting that old mentality back of seeing myself in a distorted way (the good old seeing a fat person in a mirror stuff). It scares me because I feel like the years of abuse when I was younger have taken more of a toll on me than I had thought and I'm scared that I'll fall back in deeper this time...I'm scared of getting fat...or even gaining weight but the stress of family pressure is causing me to put on the pounds even if I don't want to. It drives me nuts to look in the mirror and see a little tummy on me because it's that time of the month and now that I'm thinner, I notice the bloating more. I know there is nothing wrong with me and I'm not fat but that side of me is still there...I so don't need to go down that route again but I feel like it's happening...my oldest daughter notices it and now she sometimes says she is fat because if mommy is fat then she must be too because she looks like me. It's an evil vicious cycle and I have so much to take on right now (getting a divorce, living on my own with 3 kids, having to move soon, dealing with my ex) that dealing with my food and body issues is something I hate to think about.
I don't know if there was a question that I was hoping to ask with this post but I think mostly I just needed to vent. I'm 29 and still in and out of this hell...I don't know how it starts or why it does but I just ask for the strength to make it through each day and not be sick to my stomach. I hope that you young girls out there can look at yourself and see the beauty you have...get help...I lived for 8 years without this mess (life is better not living in the clutches poor body image)...I hope I can make it past this.

~Alex~
hi. when i first read your message title i had to read your post. i'm kind of new here and it's definitely happening again to me, too. i hadn't really had a problem like this since high school when i was 16. it was a comb of ana/mia...i'd starve myself, then do the binge-purge stuff. i was under a lot of stress back then.
i was under a lot of stress just recently and i think that is what triggered it. i've not purged but it has crossed my mind a lot. i've avoided eating a lot, though. i've confided in my husband and one friend, but half the time i feel stupid for even thinking i have a problem....for crying out loud i'm 31, happily married, have two beautiful children. and then i'm also ashamed because i am actually medically overweight and i feel like if anyone knew i was having these problems they'd laugh at me ("yeah, right...she's got an eating disorder all right).
i feel in control, i feel out of control. i have two daughters that i want to have healthy self esteem and body image. so many thoughts and my heart and head go in a million different directions that i can't even adequately espress all that is going on with me. but i'd just thought i'd post and say hello and that i'll be thinking/praying for you.
Hi waiting, welcome to the board!
I can see how the thoughts have come back.
~Diana~
Well thank you guys for the responses...
Times are difficult for sure and I know stress is my trigger. I really don't know what it was that started me on this road so many years ago...I think having 2 sisters who are smaller than me in stature and had always been small themselves made me sorta the outcast I guess...then I'm very hard on myself period (the whole needing to be perfect in everything) played a big role as well. Now..I feel like I failed in my life...in my marriage...with my kids cuz I couldn't make it work, so there is the trigger right now.
To haiti- I got your email and I will respond soon...you're not alone in your struggle...none of us are really but it sure does feel like it because it's a shameful thing to admit really. To someone who hasn't been there, it's hard for them to understand how it is so they can't relate and in turn, makes us feel like we are even more crazy. I still feel like I get the "you're crazy" look from people when I use the whole "I forget to eat" excuse. I'd rather wish it was that instead of the truth about how I feel if I eat, like I'll be this ugly blob of fat that I'm trying to run from.
I sometimes want to turn off the thoughts and I wish I didn't have to eat to live...food is my control and my enemy...I know I need help but lately I have so much else to think about that it seems to be the last thing I need to do..