triggers possibly, feeling alone ......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
triggers possibly, feeling alone ......
2
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:30pm

i don't even know where to begin.

i delt with anorexia and bulimia in high school. i never sought medical help or therapy and looking back now i knew what triggered it (lots of stress and changes going on around me, the ED was my control). that was 15 years ago. i never got extremely thin because when i started out i really was actually medically overweight for my height. things got better in my life and slowly the ana and mia tendencies i had subsided, although they'd pop up here and there thruout my life.

i'm 31 years old now. happily married. two daughters. some stress and changes going on around me and my ED tendencies are rearing their ugly heads again. i haven't purged, but the though of it has crossed my mind many, many times and i've been close. i've been restricting my eating and no matter how little i eat i feel the guilt. sometimes i feel like it would be easier to give in to it than to fight it and i get so confused.

i went online tonight to find something, someone, anything that even comes close to what i feel like i'm going thru and to my surprise i find that there are a lot of women my age dealing with this. i read all the things that anorexia can do to your body and health and it scares me but then i ended up trying to research things on anorexia in overweight people. because i am actually medically overweight. i know we shouldn't mention numbers but i don't want people thinking that i just *think* i'm overweight, i really am. if i were to use the weight watchers ideal weight ranges and even use the recommended maximum weight for for adults 25-45 i would be 82 lbs over that number.

i tried to research my state for therapists but then after reading all the definitions for axorexia and how it made it sound like to be diagnosed you had to be so many % below normal weight range i felt sad....if i tried to get help would they even believe that this big person is even sick? are there any actual overweight people out there struggling with anorexia or did everyone else start out a normal weight?

sometimes i don't even think i have a problem. i still eat. i try to eat dinner every night with my family so they don't think anyting is wrong (at least my daughters. my husband knows about what i've been struggling with and he is supportive). sometimes i think that i'll just 'snap out of it' on my own like i did in high school but will this get worse before it gets better? what if these feelings don't go away? just when i think i'm making progress i slip back down deeper in the water.

i guess i just needed to get that out there and just would like to know someone out there is feeling this way. i need to know i'm not totally insane. you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 10:47am

Sweetie,


Your not insane, we all have fallbacks, ya know? Check this out: http://emotional.health.ivillage.com/eatingdisordersselfesteem/eatingdisorders.cfm


Hugs,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:25am

Michelle is right, you are not insane.

 

 

~Diana~