New and angry with myself..............
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New and angry with myself..............
| Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:42am |
Hello, Im a 28 year old mother of three ages 9, 6 and 4. I have battled with my weight since puberty going from very heavy to rail thin and back again. Almost two years ago I was at my heaviest at 185 pounds on my 5'7" frame. I wore a size 16 and wanted to die. I decided to try to be healthy for the first time in my life and ate very well and exercised everyday. Within 9 months I was 130 pounds and a size 5 in juniors. I was getting so many compliments from everyone and it made me feel like crap. It seemed like no one noticed me when I was heavy but now that I was thin I was the center of attention. This is where the bulimia reared its ugly head. After working so hard to get healthy I have now thrown it all away by allowing this monster to take over my life. I was never bulimic before, I had always binged or restricted. But now I cant seem to control myself, I will sit in the kitchen when my family is snug in bed and I raid the cupboards for anything I normally would never put in my body. Cupcakes, chocolates, frozen burritos, soda, you name it. I stuff my face until I feel so full I cant breathe then I lock myself in the bathroom and run the sink to drown out the sound of me throwing it all up. Then I stare in the mirror and cry in shame. I hate that weight has always ruled my life, I cant remember a time when I wasnt worried about how much I weigh. Im so tired of it and I dont know what I can do, I want to stop this unhealthy behavior but I also dont want to be fat. I dont look like someone who has an eating disorder, I appear healthy which helps to hide it from my friends and family. I feel very alone and defeated........I know what I need to do but I just dont know how.

~Alex~
Hi Evie, and welcome to the board.
Aww heck, it's awful to feel like you are only judged well when you look a certain way.
~Diana~