New and angry with myself..............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
New and angry with myself..............
2
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:42am
Hello, Im a 28 year old mother of three ages 9, 6 and 4. I have battled with my weight since puberty going from very heavy to rail thin and back again. Almost two years ago I was at my heaviest at 185 pounds on my 5'7" frame. I wore a size 16 and wanted to die. I decided to try to be healthy for the first time in my life and ate very well and exercised everyday. Within 9 months I was 130 pounds and a size 5 in juniors. I was getting so many compliments from everyone and it made me feel like crap. It seemed like no one noticed me when I was heavy but now that I was thin I was the center of attention. This is where the bulimia reared its ugly head. After working so hard to get healthy I have now thrown it all away by allowing this monster to take over my life. I was never bulimic before, I had always binged or restricted. But now I cant seem to control myself, I will sit in the kitchen when my family is snug in bed and I raid the cupboards for anything I normally would never put in my body. Cupcakes, chocolates, frozen burritos, soda, you name it. I stuff my face until I feel so full I cant breathe then I lock myself in the bathroom and run the sink to drown out the sound of me throwing it all up. Then I stare in the mirror and cry in shame. I hate that weight has always ruled my life, I cant remember a time when I wasnt worried about how much I weigh. Im so tired of it and I dont know what I can do, I want to stop this unhealthy behavior but I also dont want to be fat. I dont look like someone who has an eating disorder, I appear healthy which helps to hide it from my friends and family. I feel very alone and defeated........I know what I need to do but I just dont know how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:58pm
I know it may be hard but you have to start seeing a doctor. You can't get better on your own now matter how much you'd like to think that you can. Eating disorders are SOOOOO hard to recover from and they can't not be fought alone. If my parents hadn't made me get help I might not be alive right now. Get help ASAP. The sooner you start fighting this disease the sooner you can be normal, healthy, and happy. I'll be praying for you. I know that the lord can deliver you from this disease. Stay strong!
~Alex~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 7:44pm

Hi Evie, and welcome to the board.


Aww heck, it's awful to feel like you are only judged well when you look a certain way.

 

 

~Diana~