In need of advice (trig)
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| Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:29am |
I have been bulimic for about 6 months now. I started making myself vomit in September.. originally it was just a few times a week. It quickly became almost everyday. I went to a psychiatrist in October (I think.. sometime around then) to get back on antidepressants. I told her about the bulimia and my depression and self harm. She put me on zoloft for depression and naltrexone to help me with the bulimia. The zoloft helped for a while and recently stopped working. The naltrexone never helped.. and actually I stopped taking it for a month or so.. well.. and the zoloft. I know that's bad.. I'm taking all of my prescribed medications now, but I don't always have my own best interests in mind. She has never asked about the bulimia again and actually congratulated on my lost weight a few months ago. I was at the time purging basically everything I ate. I had no desire to stop, so I didn't bother to tell her. She still has no idea I'm still bulimic.
The thing is.. lately I'm afraid my physical health is suffering. I'm always out of breath at work (I'm a cashier at a grocery store..) and sometimes my chest starts to feel tight. I also occasionally have minor chest pains. My heart rate alternates between relatively slow and extremely fast.. even the slightest amount of activity raises it. Obviously, I know that's a bad sign. I have decided I need to work on the bulimia. I don't really want to, but I need to. I don't really want to go to therapy (I've done that in the past.. I don't have the time right now) but I do have friends that know. They try to be understanding, but at the moment they don't realize how hard things are. I am incapable of making normal food decisions. I go to get something to eat and just stare blankly into the pantry and get confused because I don't know what is healthy or safe. I am embarassed to be seen grocery shopping by myself because I feel like I'm being judged by what I buy, and I end up scared and panicked. I am scared to have certain binge foods in the apartment, but I obviously can't expect my roommate to live off rice cakes and cheerios like I currently am. I am afraid to go out to eat because I can't handle feeling full without purging, and I know if I sit in front of a plate full of food I will eat until I'm full.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone has advice on how to handle this? I am trying to slowly add safe foods to my diet.. I keep single serving bags (I divide them myself) of cheerios and pretzels to carry to class (I'm a junior in college) and eat at home. I am still too scared to eat at work because everyone comments when I do, and while generally they just say "Wow, you're eating" it's embarassing.. (several coworkers know I'm bulimic). I still exercise compulsively, but it's the easiest way for me to allow myself to eat without freaking out. I can't seem to grasp what a normal calorie limit would be.. like I know what I should eat but the number seems huge. I am still technically overweight (ask if you really care how much I weigh), so I would rather not gain back much weight. I don't know if this is a reasonable way to approach this.. slowly adding safe foods until I feel safe eating again.. and is it selfish to tell my friends I can't go out to eat with them for the time being? I feel like I should make them happy even if it means I end up purging.. but somehow that doesn't feel right.
~*Beth*~

Hi Beth,
I have so been there. I am anorexic, not bulimic, but I struggle with issues that are similar to yours. I was officially diagnosed in February of 06, but I know I had eating issues for at least a couple years before that. I will be honest with you, that i have been in treatment this whole time - medical doctors, counselor, nutritionist, you know, the whole nine yards. I feel that everything helps to a certain extent, but what it all boils down to is just biting the bullet and dealing with it.
I had such problems with food choices too. I would do the whole stare into the pantry and fridge thing trying to decided what to eat and would finally give up because it was too hard. My counselor suggested finding a way to remove those decisions and we arrived at a great solution for me. I use a lot of prepackaged meals now. I eat a protein bar for breakfast and a frozen meal for lunch. I do cook dinner, because my family is here then (I am married and have 3 kids). I found that the prepackaged meals eliminated the guesswork for me. I do choose meals like Lean Cuisine or Weight Watchers, and that may help you too. You can be assured the portion sizes are appropriate and that the meals are balanced. I also had to simply accept the fact that people eat 3 meals a day and that is that. When I am tempted to restrict, I remind myself of this and go to the pantry, grab the protein bar, open it and eat it. Done. Perhaps you need the same mentality - people eat, they don't vomit and that is that. Can you distract yourself after you eat to keep yourself from throwing up? Take a walk, read a book, place yourself in a situation that will keep you out of the bathroom. I found that once I started to think this way, it was less anxiety provoking, and even if I started to stress, after a bit of time passed, I could calm myself down.
As for eating out with friends, I was honest with my family about how hard it was for me to eat out and so when the topic would arise, we would only go to places that I had safe choices. Whenever possible, they would give me advance notice so I could prepare emotionally. What I learned was that I am stronger than my ED. Life went on just fine if I ate. I found that I felt better - more energy, less irritability, etc, when I ate. I looked around and noticed that others' days and direction were not governed by food. I wanted that too. Life is not about food and weight, and the scale. Life is so much more than that. No more will I waste that precious time. I made the decision that I will not live like that anymore. You can do this too. Just make the decision and wait and see how much more full and complete your life can be. It won't happen over night, but as time goes by, it gets so much easier.
Good luck,
Ilse
Hi there Beth, and welcome to the board!
~Diana~
HI Ilse!
Those bars can really help can't they?
~Diana~
I've been bulimic for years-not everyday anymore, but in times of stress. Something tragic happened and all of a sudden, the bulimi started. I had never thought about it before, don't know why bulimia and not alcohol, etc. Probably because growing up food was a comfort, but I came from a very overweight family and I refused to be like them.
Anyhow, there was a time when it was everyday, 3-4 times a day, but not anymore and I'm grateful for that.
I started having panic attacks and that made me learn some self control. I was able to go a full year without throwing up, but then my husband said he may want a divorce, my father became ill, and the bulimia started all over again.
This is so weird because in all this time, I've never admitted this to anyone. My secret has been well hidden and I never planned to talk to anyone about it-ever. That is until I read your post.
You have to stop. Find out what the triggers are (LIKE STRESS).
I don't keep certain foods in the house. If we have birthday cake, etc., then when everyone has had their serving and left my house, I garbage disposal it-period.
I tell my family that we've had enough and that's that.
Remember-you need food. Alcoholics don't need alcohol to survive, drug adicts don't need drugs to survive, but we do need food. The only thing we can do is learn to deal with it the best we can. Like I said, I am still bulimic, but I can control it most days. I still exercise (used to 3-4 hours per day), now only 30-45 minutes per day. You need to control that issue too because it will take over your life.
Please take care of YOURSELF.
Hi Beth!
I've been dealing with bulimia for about three years now. I was reading your post and could totally identify with everything you are saying!
One thing I can suggest is to visit a physican.. preferably one that has experience with eating disorders. I got a referral from my therapist. If you're struggling with something like bulimia, it's really important to make sure everything is in check, like your heart rhythm and potassium levels.
I also know exactly how you feel as far as eating till you're FULL. I know that I have a problem with portions and realizing when I am truly full and sated. With me, it's totally black or white. I eat nothing or I'll everything on God's green earth... no gray area! I learned that it's okay to eat what you want, just as long as it's in moderation.
When I was in treatment, the center taught all of us the philosphies from a book called "Intuitive Eating." I don't know if you've ever heard of it but it basically says you can eat whatever you want, just as long as you know you truly want it (and not because of stress or boredom) and eat as much as you want as long as you know your body wants it. My nutritionist said, "If you want, you can eat an entire pizza. However, if you truly listen to what your body wants, you won't want an entire pizza. You'll have one or two slices and once oyu learn to eat intuitively, you'll know that that's enough for you." She went on about how your body craves that because it knows it has for example, calcium and protein and fat (which is necessary!)
Anyway, I learned in a really weird way that it's okay to eat not only in public but whatever I want. The other day, I made a huuuuge Southern dinner for my friends! And I ate some... I did make it afterall! It was good, too! We were hanging out and whatnot and I didn't get a chance to purge. I had to deal with the fact that I just ate fried chicken and mac and cheese.. and I went to sleep and woke up and it was okay. Less scary than usual. I felt alright!
Whew. Long message! Sorry! I hope you get through this and find the help and support you need!
-Jenn