Playing with fire (trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Playing with fire (trigs)
3
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 12:14pm

I am headed back down the ED road and I know it. I had actually gone 7 weeks without skipping a meal and really felt like I had rounded a corner as far as recovery went. Then last week I skipped breakfast on Wednesday. I did eat normally the rest of the day, but I skipped that meal on purpose. I have been back to counting calories again - I don't want to go over 1150 a day. I hadn't weighed myself in many weeks and that was good. Then last Saturday I got curious. I wondered how this whole eating 3 meals a day thing was affecting my weight. Lo and behold, I had lost 2 pounds and was back to 87 pounds. I KNEW this was bad, but ED told me otherwise. I still did okay and then last night I ate a bowl of regular (not fat free) ice cream and estimated my calories for the day at 2000. This set me up and I skipped breakfast again today and am contemplating skipping other meals. I am playing with fire and I know it. I need to give this up and get back on my meal plan. I hate the ups and downs of recovery...

Ilse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32pm

Everytime I think about restricting I think how it will just make me take a step back in finally getting to run again. It might make me go into the hospital. My hair will keep on falling out. I'll be cold again. I'll be weak. I'll have blackouts. I might never be able to have a beautiful baby girl. Whatever your motivations for recovery are...just think about them we you are wanting to restrict. It's hard. But you can do it. And you won't get fat. Since I've been eating I've lost 4 pounds! (but I'm maintaing now) Just know that losing weight will not make you truely happy in the long run. You want to be strong for your family and for God. Just pray for God's guidance and strength. He can help you through this hard time. Even when it's so hard just keep on eating what you are suposed to. I recomend seeing a nutritionist. My nutritionist has helped me more than anyone. Because there is no deciding what to eat or not knowing how much to eat. I just eat what my nutritionist tells me to and then I'm done. And everyday after I eat that last bedtime snack and I ate all I was suposed to, I feel I sense of accopmlishment. Keep holding on. You can beat this eating disorder!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be praying for you!

~Alex~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 10:34am

Thanks Alex! Everything you said made so much sense, and I know better than to head down this destructive path again!! I know that restricting is just a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety and that it is a poor copig mechanissm, at that!!

I got up today and thought about not eating, but I didn't restrict. I had a protein bar which is on my meal plan. I am not planning to skip any other meals today either. My family is counting on me and I CANNOT have my daughter grow up to copy my eating behaviors. She is almost 8 years old and so healthy and pretty. I want her to stay that way.

Thank you for your prayers. I know that prayer is sometimes the only thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow. Being in God's will is contradictory to following the anorexia.

Hugs,
Ilse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:34pm

How are you doing today?


 

 

~Diana~