Not sure what to think of myself
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Not sure what to think of myself
| Sun, 03-25-2007 - 3:32pm |
I've been thinking about this for the past few days.. it all started when my friend and I were at work and she said something about not feeling well. I said I never feel well, and she said "Well, that's usually your own fault." She knows about my eating disorder, but she always seems to simplify it to some choice I make. As much as that bothers me, I think I do the same thing to myself. I refuse to call myself bulimic.. or I refuse to believe it even when I do use the word. I tell myself this is all my fault for making a stupid choice 6 months ago. Unfortunately, since I believe this is a choice.. I also try to convince myself that stopping should be simple when I'm ready. If it's not simple.. either I'm weak, or it's not the right time. I use that as an excuse not to try. I'm realizing more and more that this will never be that simple. I mean obviously I choose to purge, but I don't choose to panic about food and feel fat after eating anything at all. I don't choose to think about binging all of the time, and obviously I have to deal with those things first before I can really fix the behaviors entirely, right? Obviously i'm trying to control the b/p thing, but the urge is still there. I do have an eating disorder, right? I fit all of the diagnostic criteria, but I just can't believe it.. I don't feel good enough to have a disorder if that makes any sense.. and I'm not sure how to start believing I'm sick.. and I'm not sure how to get better if I can't believe that.

Wow, your friend's words really did a number on you.
~Diana~
Thank you for replying, and I'm glad you liked my website.
I really am not mad at my friend for what she said, she didn't mean it that way. I also know she has a hard time coping with me sometimes because she doesn't know what to do (because really there's nothing she can do). I know she would never try to upset me, and at the time it wasn't even clear how much what she said bothered me.
As far as medication, I am on medication for depression but I have trouble actually believing that I have anything chemically wrong. Once again I have always blamed myself for the depression, but this past fall I started meds again because I just didn't know what else to do anymore. My current psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and bulimia nervosa. I admit that I fit all of the diagnostic criteria, but that doesn't make it any easier to believe. Believing in the diagnoses would mean admitting that I am not at fault, and I have never been able to do that.
I am making slow progress I guess, and I guess in time either I will be able to admit to myself that I am sick.. or simply not be sick anymore. I am trying hard to remind myself that this may be a slow process.. it took me over 6 months to get this back.. it won't get better instantly. Right now I'm having a hard time getting my friends to understand this, but I know it's my decision not theirs.
As Americans, there is a high degree of pressure for us
~Diana~