My first time
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| Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:41am |
This is my first time posting. I am 34, and have struggled with bulimia since I was 18. I don't know if I have ever actually admitted to being bulimic before, and, actually, I don't know if I really am. I know that I am not "normal" and what I do is not normal, but I don't know if I could actually classify myself as a bulimic -- when I think of bulimia, I think of throwing up repeatedly and that was never my vice.
I have struggled with whatever it is I am doing since college. My mother was so overly critical of my weight (I look back on it and I think, how on earth could anyone be critical of my weight, then) that I started sticking my finger down my throat at 19 (which I hate and really don't do that much), using laxatives at 20, and water pills at 21. What I really do is pretty much go from restricting my calories to about 500 or 600 (at my worst, it was 300), to eating everything in sight and putting on all of the weight I lost. I could restrict calories for about 2-3 months, and then I go for another months where I eat everything. I studied psychology in college and took all of the classes I could on eating disorders, which I how I learned that water pills could be used to lose weight. My weight can fluctuate 20 pounds in one month (I am about 6 feet tall so 20 pounds can really go unnoticed). I think at my worst, I was eating 300 calories a day, I started lying about when I ate, and I would take the food and throw it away. When my family would ask about me "not eating" I would just laugh, and say, oh, yeah, I look like I have an eating disorder don't I? That was when I was in my early 20s and I have not been that bad since then.
I guess the reason why I am writing is that I really thought I could do this on my own. I haven't starved myself, used diet pills, water pills, worked out all of my caloric intake for about 2 years. I put on about 30 pounds over those 2 years, and then joined Jenny Craig, lost it all in a healthy way at first. But, then I started using it to just restrict myself even more, only eating the 3 meals per day (600 calories) and nothing more. I have since gone of JC, put on about 10 pounds and I am starting to have thoughts again about purging. It took all my strength not to do it last night. Now, I am back to working out (again, trying to just do it in moderation), and taking diet pills. I am restricting my calories again, but trying to make sure I eat at least 1200 calories. But, I have to say, I feel myself slipping again. I feel myself going down a path that I have gone down many many many times.

It sounds like you want to break the cycle, and you can, with help.
~Diana~