what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
what would you do?
3
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:16am

Hello, all. I am writing to ask your opinion. I am 37 and have been married 10 years. DH has a sister who is 12 years older than we are. SIL struggled in her teen years with anorexia. In the 15 years I have known her, she has always eaten fairly healthy and has been athletic and active. Over the past year or so I have noticed a big change in her habits (excessive exercise and restricted eating) and appearance (she's lost over 40 pounds in a year, bringing her weight to 101 pounds for a woman who is 5'6".) She recently started seeing a psychiatrist--about 4 months ago. She initailly went b/c she wanted to get "coping skills" for dealing with her husband who she's having troubles with. The doc told her she has some OCD issues that they need to deal with, including an "addiction to exercise." That's what they are working on. She did tell me that the doc also told her she wants to work on her eating issues, b/c she feels SIL is literally starving for the attention of the men in her life--her DH and her brothers and father.

My question--last weekend, we (DH, myself, our children, adn SIL) went to brunch. She ate a salad, made a whopping plate of food of which she ate the veggies and proceeded to dump the rest on DH's plate, and brought bak a large plate filled with sweets, of which she ate all. We came back to our house after the brunch and she went into our bathroom. I went into the other bathroom (after having 4 sodas!) that shares a wall with the bathroom she was in and I heard her vomitting. I am positive I did. No doubt.

I do not know the name of her psychiatrist, nor does DH or anyone else in the family for that matter. I don't think her own DH even does. When I told Dh about this, he said she is an adult who must nake her own decisions and live by them. He said he cannot control her behavior and she's already seeing a doc so there's ntohing more he can do. I told him I think he should ask her for her docs number and at least let the doc know what happened. He thinks she needs to tell the doc this in her own time on her own terms. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:34pm

Hello carahinsdale!


By no means am I an expert on the subject. But I think that maybe your husband has a point. With a lot of people dealing with an eating disorder (myself included), it takes time to realize that the problem needs attention and help. Sometimes it takes a person to hit the bottom before they realize that things had gone way out of control. She needs to find it within herself to seek more help and to be truly honest with her doc.


My best advice is to talk to your SIL privately and tell her your concerns. Be upright and honest with her. She may be resistant and may even deny it, but just simply remind her that you truly care for her well being and just to think about what you have said.


Your SIL is lucky to have someone like you to be concerned for her. Recovery is not easy and the support of everyone around will help her be successful with the process.


I hope that helps!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 3:06pm

I tend to agree with Catherine here.


Do you have a close relationship with SIL?


 

 

~Diana~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:18pm
I cannot address your question as someone who has confronted a friend with eating issues, but I can address your questions as someone who has actively dealt with an eating disorder herself. I think if you feel it necessary to say someting to SIL, make sure you do so with empathy and compassion. I think making the conversation feel confrontational would be a bad idea, as she may try to push you away as a result. I was thinking back to when I was actively engaged in my eating disorder and what I think I would have been open to hearing from a loved one... 1) share what you have observed (stick to the facts and do not embellish), 2) share that you are concerned for her health and wellbeing, and 3) let her know that if or when she is ready for help you will be there for her. This last point is very important and it also cannot hurt to acknowledge that you want to be there for her even though you may not completely understand what it is she's going through. I think it would be a mistake to try to claim that you do understand. Your DH is right in some respects, you cannot force her to seek help, she must do it on her own terms and in her own time when she is ready. But I think he is wrong to just sweep the issue under the rug. I think just letting her know that you are there for her and are genuinely concerned for her means alot when someone is in that space.