My First Episode-trig
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| Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:59pm |
Hi
Im new to this board...
Ive never had Bulimia but Ive had a brush with Anorexia some 7yrs ago, wen i was around 14/15, I have always been naturally very thin, but I did get skeletal like wen i was younger.
Today after 7yrs, I felt so frustrated, sad, all this past pain has been surfacing slowly and I got to a point where I cant turn to anyone, that I ate with my family, I ate quite a lot..I went upstairs to the bathroom and I made myself sick...and it felt great.
It felt like all this pain was leaving my body...Im not scared..I think it may happen again..but I dont think its bad...
Im sorry if ive offended anyone..Im in so much emotional pain right now...I have absoloutely nobody I can tlk to, I have no time for counsellors or the money, I tld my husband to be about a past experience which has been at the back of my head and he freaked out on me..leaving me all alone, scared and abandoned..
Its like when i was a kid, there was no-one I could turn to, I was brought up in a troubled home and so I had this weird addiction with food..not eating...seeing how long I can go without food..Im not scared yet..but I dont knw..im jst feeling so good..for puking.
Im soo sorry for being messed up or saying anything wrong...it just feels so right.
Love
Sami

I know that it might feel good but think about all the damage you are doing to your body. People have died from bulimia. And you do have someone to talk to. Someone who is always with you and loves you more than you can imagine. God. He is always listening and he cares about you so much! Talk to him when you are hurting. Don't resort to self harm. I'll be praying for you.
~Alex~
But it felt so good..
I know God listens, but he doesnt talk back to me...i sit here waitig for him to say something, maybe hold me..maybe erase my past but nothing...
I had a bowl of cereal just now and I am going to keep it down..Its jst that i feel so sad, when I release myself it feels good..
Hi sami,
Your honesty is your best ally in this.
~Diana~
Sami,
This is my first time lurking on this board, and I saw your post. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I battled with bullimia from age 17 until I met my husband at age 20. It was never about weight when I was younger; I just felt a sense of control and power when I threw up. And then it got really bad when I went to college. I would binge and purge over and over again. Right after I met my husband, I just stopped. I ate what I wanted and never felt guilty. It was like I never had bullimia; it just miraculously vanished. And then I relasped after I gave birth to my son 8 years later. He was born in January 2006. This time it became a weight issue. I am 5'2" and got up to 170 lbs during my pregnancy. I got down to 125 lbs the natural way in just 3 months. But I wanted to be thinner. So I started throwing up. It's 13 months later since my relaspe, and I'm still throwing up. My weight fluctuates between 98 and 103 lbs, and I've been that weight for close to a year now. I'm no longer throwing up to lose weight, it just feels good like you said. I feel a sense of power and a "high" when I throw up. I'm trying so hard to stop because I need to be healthy for my son. And I plan on trying for another baby in the very near future. Being bullimic sucks, but at the same time it feels so right. Each day is getting better than the last. Just remember you are not alone. I'll pray for you and me...
Brandy
AJ: 1/22/2006
www.myspace.com/brandygamboa
Hi Brandy and welcome to the ed board!
~Diana~
Thanks for your response Diana. I know I can beat this, but it's hard. I'm so mad at myself for losing control after I had DS. For the longest time I felt so good about myself. I felt in control, and food was not my enemy. However, 4 months after I had DS I just lost control. And I don't know why because I lost all my baby weight from 170 lbs to a healthy 120 lbs. But I told myself just one episode won't hurt me. And one episode turned into a year later.
Each day gets better, but unfortunately I'm scared to gain weight. I really think I'm just about to go through another "free" period again. But just when I think I'm cured, I slip up. DH and I will be officially TTC #2 in January 2008. So my goal is to be cured by then if not sooner. All I can do is ask God for inner strength to overcome this. Thanks for yor support. Today is a good day, and hopefully everyday from now on will be.
Brandy
AJ: 1/22/2006
www.babysites.com/sites/anthonygamboa
~Diana~