Need opinions.. not sure what to think
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 6:16pm |
I haven't posted on these boards in a while.. so I should probably summarize my current situation. I have been bulimic for 8 months now.. In November (I think.. don't remember) I started seeing a psychiatrist and got meds for depression and bulimia. She stopped asking if I was purging.. started praising my weight loss.. and I just can't be bothered to tell her I'm still bulimic if she's that stupid. I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago after my parents found out about the bulimia.. I have been honest with her, but I think I am understating how bad things are.. mostly because I see her early in the day before I am stressed and before the ED thoughts usually kick in. When I started therapy I was down to purging only once a day and eating quite a bit of reasonably normal food (though counting calories like crazy). Therapy has made me think a lot about the emotions behind all this and the problems I have right now.. and since the first session I have started getting worse. My body image has gotten worse.. I eat anything and think my body has doubled in size. I am now purging 2 or 3 times most days.. and some of that is normal food I tried to keep down. I panic over foods that were once safe.. and I cannot even begin to imagine eating normally. I have cried repeatedly over my inability to comprehend normal eating (I go grocery shopping and just can't buy food). I have told my therapist about this, but it has gotten worse since then. Part of the problem is I was recently told by a coworker that I just need to stop worrying and start eating.. and part of my mind says I have an eating disorder it is not that easy. It took me months to get this sick, I can't just magically stop. Part of me believes I should be able to just stop, but I'm too weak to do it. The thing is.. I don't always want to purge when I do.. I just panic and don't see any other option. I now cry over random things.. I am journalling constantly and usually crying in the process. Besides my therapist I don't feel I have anyone to talk to because my friends either baby me and treat me like a child or act like I'm being silly (I think my roommate agrees with the coworker because she was there and didn't defend me or anything). I only see my T once a week.. and I'm afraid that's not enough. Things just keep getting worse, and I'm lost as far as what to do. I don't know if maybe I need to be IP or if I'm overreacting. I will talk about this with my T but I don't see her again till next Wednesday. Part of me really wants to get sicker (I've told my T this), but the logical part of my brain is telling me that things are getting worse and I need to do something about it soon. I am having physical symptoms.. headaches, swollen glands, sore throats.. my mom should be making me an appointment soon for a checkup with my physician, so I have no idea if I should be worried or if I'm imagining this.
I guess I just needed to vent all this because I really don't know what to make of my situation. I guess I thought therapy would fix everything.. and I know it's only been 2 weeks, but it's frustrating that I have to talk about all these feelings and then when the hour is up I have to go home and cope with them alone for a week. My T has seen me before (3 years ago for depression) and she knows I don't know any positive coping mechanisms really.. but she hasn't addressed how to cope with this stuff.. I think she assumes I am still shutting out my emotions like I used to.. but I don't know how to right now. I am trying not to isolate, though, because I know that things will get much much worse if I do.. but my friends are not taking this seriously at all.. and I don't know if I should try to talk to them.. or not (since this is my problem not theirs). Any thoughts would be appreciated.. on any of this.. I'm very lost right now.

I'm not one to offer advice, but I do understand what you are going through. I was bullimic from age 17-20, and then I miraculously stopped after I met DH in May 1999. However, after I gave birth to DS in January 2006 I relasped and have been struggling with bullimia for a year now. Some days are better than others. I do know what you are going through. Hang in there. This board offers great support to me just by reading and getting my feelings out.
Brandy
AJ: 1/22/2006
www.babysites.com/sites/anthonygamboa
~Diana~
Thank you very much for your replies. I am still very much struggling, but I am a bit better now. I did talk to my friends a little last night because I went over to a friend's apartment after a very bad purge.. and I know I looked pretty bad (and didn't care at the time i just needed not to be home alone), and I was asked several times if I was alright. Each time I answered no, but that I wasn't up to talking about it. I did say that things were getting worse. I asked my roommate when I got home if it was wrong to be bothered by people thinking that I should be able to just start eating.. she said no. I told her I just keep hoping it will magically get better, and she said that I have to work at it. I said I am working on it and burst into tears sitting on the couch. She said she knows, which was good to hear. I told her I am really trying, but it isn't enough and that things are getting worse.. she didn't know what to say.. it was the most I've opened up to her in months.
I considered calling my therapist, but she only works mornings and generally I have to work then as well.. and I'm not really mentally prepared to call in sick in order to go to therapy.. and that is only if she managed to get me in sooner.. so I think I'll last till Wednesday. I will tell her then about my concerns about going a week in between sessions and about not being able to cope. I have been trying not to focus on food, but it's hard because it's always on my mind.. and it takes a conscious effort right now to hear the logical voice in my head and try to eat. I am a little concerned for my physical health at the moment, but my mind is having a hard time accepting that my body needs food and that I need to not be purging as often.
When I think about it, I really am not surprised that things have gotten worse. It makes sense given that I am actually thinking about things I had been ignoring. Unfortunately, I am worried what will happen if things keep going that way. I have basically no supervision as far as my behaviors go. My roommate ignores any ED behaviors.. and my parents only see me a few times a week and they don't ask about it. I really am not ready for recovery. I even told my therapist that if I can make the constant thinking about food go away.. I could care less about the behaviors.. so the only thing keeping them in check is the physical symptoms they cause.
I will probably talk to my pdoc about changing the meds.. I will also probably start looking for a new one for obvious reasons. I am actually not taking one of the medications I am prescribed (I have taken it in the past consistently for several months.. and I can't tell any difference between then and now), and I am debating admitting this to her.. I don't know if it would do any good.. she is remarkably dense.. and honestly she pisses me off sometimes because she treats me like a child (I'm 20). I will see about getting the other meds changed again, though. I don't see her until June technically, and I may try to wait till then and see if therapy helps.. because the medication had been working alright until all this started two weeks ago.
Not sure what to say about the meds, ... sorry her *bedside manner* seems condescending.
~Diana~