Panicking about treatment..

Avatar for akasha1013
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Panicking about treatment..
5
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 1:45pm
Well, a few weeks ago my T told me she thinks i need to seek further treatment for my bulimia.. at the time she just said I need to consider an eating disorder program. I must say I was really surprised.. because while I had been thinking about it, I assumed I wasn't that sick. She didn't specify at the time if she was talking inpatient or outpatient.. just said she wanted to give me a name of someone she's worked with in the past to see for a consultation. Well, I went last week and she gave me the name of the person.. and I was very honest with her. I told her that besides not feeling sick enough to warrant treatment.. even at my most rational times where I know I am sick.. I really don't see a way out of this. In my mind, I honestly expect to live this way until it kills me. I am not intentionally getting worse, but I have been getting progressively worse for the past couple weeks. I am purging everyday.. usually several times.. I am having random breakdowns where I will find myself sobbing over nothing. We were talking in therapy about what it would be like to live a normal life.. and how I felt when she talked about it. I started crying and said I felt so jealous.. because I can't even imagine it anymore. I have basically no hope left. She asked me at some point during the appointment if I had considered inpatient treatment. I told her I had never felt sick enough. She told me I have a severe eating disorder. Since then my mind has shut down. I cannot even begin to comprehend that question.. I just don't believe I'm all that sick.. I have been panicked and shaky ever since (this was wednesday) and in all honesty I have been having some suicidal thoughts.. none that I intend to act on.. but they are really scaring me. I don't see my T again until next Tuesday when I am supposed to go with my mom to discuss treatment.. since clearly my opinion is not objective anymore. I just don't know what to make of all this. I told my roommate what my T said and she just kind of nodded. I told one of my other friends and she would not stop hugging me (and her boyfriend hugged me.. and his friend that I barely know hugged me).. I guess I'm just scared.. and needed to vent. Part of me really wants treatment.. because I am sick of living this way, but I just don't have any hope for myself anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:12pm

Hello akasha1013!


First, take a deep breath. You are not alone in this. I had the same exact feelings right before I went for a more extensive ED treatment. Your therapist is looking out for your best interest and is concerned that he/she is unable to get the help you need.


I just have a quick question: What exactly are you panicking about? Is there one particular thing that is holding you back? I didn't want to go to extensive treatment because I thought I was untreatable. I thought I was so far gone, that

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Avatar for akasha1013
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:22pm
In all honesty, I'm not sure I want to recover, but I have all these people who are going to expect me to go into treatment and recover.. and I'm not sure I can because I'm not sure I want to give this up. Part of me wants so badly to get sicker, and I know that's a bad idea.. but I don't know how to get better when I don't really want to. I am scared that I will go to treatment and get laughed at because I am not sick enough for more extensive treatment.. I'm scared I will be laughed at for being fat (I am still technically overweight).. I don't know.. there are so many fears rushing around in my head right now.. it's rather overwhelming.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 3:05pm

Here's something to think about...These are questions I think you should ask yourself.


Why don't you want to get better?


Why do you want to keep holding on to something that you know is not good for you?


Do you think you don't deserve to at least try it out?


It's true that the a part of the success of recovery depends on your willingness to get and receive help. But you are not missing out on anything if you try. If you at least try, you open the door to much much more.


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Avatar for akasha1013
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 1:04am
No, I do not deserve to try it out.. I deserve the life I have right now.. I deserve the disorder. I am so afraid when it is gone there will be nothing left of me.. I have lived with this self hatred/destruction in one form or another for so long I am not sure what I am without it. I feel empty.. and this is the only thing that makes me forget that. I would rather be miserable than find out I am truly empty. I discussed this with my T.. she's currently trying to convince me that I do in fact exist and that I have a personality.. I still don't see it. I struggle sometimes just to believe I am real.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 1:46pm

Hi akasha,


Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.

 

 

~Diana~