I am popping in from the TTC40 board.
Hi, Welcome to the board. My DH and I have also been TTC our first for 5 years and we're waiting to decide for sure what to do about disclosing. We just finished our first IVF with donor egg which ended in ectopic pg but we will try again with the 4 totsicles we currently have from the donor cycle.
There is a lot of info out there (books) about whether to disclose or not. I cannot remember the links but if you do a search you might be able to find it. I'll check the site and see if I can find where other ladies have posted about the best links for this subject so check back.
We will absolutely be telling our child that they were conceived with DE. We are following the adoption model that children who are told early and often fare far better than children who are never told. I have a hard time believing that 60% number your RE said since almost every person I know who is doing or planning to do DE plans on telling. I think that the general consensus in the psychological community is that telling early is the way to go, so it is just part of their story and not a big traumatic thing when they find out. Of course there are some situations in which not telling is the right thing (like religious communities with very strong negative feelings about DE), but if you decide not to tell you have to be prepared to tell absolutely NO ONE else about it, and shed every piece of evidence to the fact. Because chances are your child will find out some day- someone will slip, or they will stumble upon a piece of info, and then imagine the breach of trust they would feel.
I'm sorry if I sound biased, this is just something I feel very strongly about, that every person has a right to know their origins. I'm not ashamed that we used DE to get pregnant, and I never want my child to feel ashamed. There are some good books out there that explore all the issues around telling or not telling. "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation" and "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates" as well as "Experiences of Donor Conception" are all available on Amazon. Of course you must do what is right for you and your family, and I wish you lots of luck on your path.
Thanks Carolyn and Amber,
Carolyn - I am so sorry to hear about your etopic, but happy to know that you still have some embies
I went through our first DE cycle in October which unfortunately ended with a BFN and followed that with a failed FET (never made it to transfer).
Isabel Mom to Sebastian Robert after 3+ years of infertility
Thanks Leeann, it's still so early I don't even feel pregnant yet. It's hard to imagine it's happening, and I am so nervous until that first u/s on Monday!
I think it is all about how you and DH approach it- if you are open and comfortable and upfront both your children will be too. There is no guarantee your DE child won't feel jealousy or resentment about it at some point, but that will be something for you all to discuss and work through together. That's life, there's going to be some disappointment, resentment, jealousy, etc. in every family and in every life, we can't protect our children from that- DE or not. We can only give them the tools to work through it. But I think if you always emphasize how MUCH you wanted that child, and how you had to work so hard to get them, that might make them feel special in their own way.
Lots of luck with your cycle and we're here for you along the way!
I really believe that you have the right idea.
I think I'll share these words of wisdom with my DH.
Thanks for your awesome advice!
Yes, I plan to tell my son about how he was conceived and about the donor.