Am I in denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Am I in denial?
25
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 5:50pm
I am not sure what I should be feeling or saying about my mom and her terminal cancer. She seems to be getting worse everyday. We are extreemly close although whenever she talks to me about her aches and pains or worse when she says she feels like her body is giving up I always ignore her! or change the subject. I feel like an awful daughter, am I normal?

Melissaphoto

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:10am

Thank you florida_girl! I do find its very helpful to hear that other people are going through the exact same emotions that I am. It makes me feel not as alone. It also makes me feel not as ashamed. Good luck to you! Feel free to post anytime you want to talk to me.

-Melissa

Melissaphoto

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:16am

Hi Judy,

I just thought I would let you know that my moms hemoglobin is slowly going down. She is at 9 now. I am sure you know what that means. If it goes down anymore she will need yet another blood transfusion. Wish us luck that it will perk back up! I can't see my Mom for a while now because my youngest daughter came down with the chicken pox! I think it was a blessing in disguise that she couldn't make it down here last week.

-Melissa

Melissaphoto

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:29pm

Melissa yes I do know what a count of 9 means for hemoglobin as I was there myself several times and had several blood transfusions.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 10:02am
I remember last Christmas it was really important for my Mom to have all her kids and grandkids at her house. My siblings and I thought it was because she feels it will be her last. I can remember thinking as we were there that my mom doesn't have cancer but someone else, some stranger or demon who was living inside her did. I also remember looking at her and how exausted she looked but she still had a smile on her face...It reminded me of two different people. And then I thought about how much of a relief it would be if that stranger just went away so my mom could have some relief. I try to stay optomistic. Keep hope alive... I feel ashamed I can't be even honest with myself sometimes and how having a normal life would be great but honestly without my Mom I would be empty. I also feel marked. My mom and her two sisters (twins) all found out they had cancer with in months of eachother. My Grandmother also had cancer. So I feel ashamed at how angry I feel at my bloodlines..especially when I am in good health now. I did go to genetic counsiling but right now we can't afford to send my moms blood out. We will bank it. It cost $5,000! My moms insurance won't pay for it seeing how she is on medical assistance. To give you a little bit more history, My mom lost her job while caring day and night for my Grandma for 5 years. When Grandma died she had to find a job to afford house payments she was already behind. Then she found out she had cancer..no insurance or job. Her sisters offered to help her out if she signed over the deed to them. My Mom was very vulnerable at the time and did it. Well they kicked her out!! They sold the house and kept all the money.. even though my mom had cancer, no job, no money, no insurance, no place to live. You would think they would have had more of a heart seeing how they to were dealing with the same disease. Anyways, to make a long story shorter, my Mom lived between my house, my sisters and my brothers. We took turns. I fealt ashamed to feel when she was staying with me that it was distrupting my family. I fealt sick and tired to clean up after her and I began to count down the days when she would go back to my sisters or brothers. I know it sounds selfish and mean. Finally she wanted really bad to get her own place. She applied for housing assistance and got her own apartment. Now I just wish she was here with me again. HA HA! It's funny how things work out sometimes. Although she does have alot of support in the building she lives in. and..she has no relationship with her siblings.

Melissaphoto

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:38pm
You are so full of guilt for things that are as normal as can be.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

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