Just need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Just need support
13
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 8:03pm
I'm going through a rough time with my Mom, who was diagnosed with a type of colon cancer about a year 1/2 ago. She though she had appendicitis and it turned out cancer. She went through chemo, but it made her so sick, she almost died from it, so she stopped it and refuses any treatments.
6 months after my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, my Dad was diagnosed with brain cancer that was inoperable. He went through the radiation, he couldn't handle the chemo pill. My father passed away January 14 '06. That was really hard, I'm still dealing with that.
Now my Mom is under Hospice care and is at home alone, and I see her often. She will hire a 24 hour nurse if she needs it, but how to tell when that is? I'm very frustrated because I love my Mom so much, she is my best friend! She's on my speed dial #1 and I can't deal with her dying. She's starting to get much weaker and is on oxygen more. I can't type here how it feels, but I'm sure many people know what I'm going through. I'm there for her to help with things, feeding her cat, but I can't take away her cancer and I just don't know how to act around her, because I do get angry that she has cancer and is not doing anything about it, but then I totally understand her side of it and why she is just not doing anything.
It's just very stressful :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:49pm
I just want to give you a big hug. That's really so much to deal with. Just stay as strong as you can. Maybe find a local support group to let out all of your feelings. I wish I could offer more advice, but I'm kind of new to this. Hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 4:24am

Welcome to the board florida_girl70, I'm so glad you found us.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 5:11pm
Thank you so much rachelkgreene, your advice was great. It really is alot to deal with.
A friend of mine sent me the link to this site and suggested I sign up, and I'm grateful to her for that.
Thanks again :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 5:57pm

Hi Judy,
Thank you for welcoming me and for your condolensces for my Dad.
There is a caregiver support group where I work that I have been attending off and on once a month and it seems to be helpful somewhat, even though it does make me upset everytime I go. One reason I didn't want to join a group like this, or the support group at work is because I have to face it and think about it and I really try not to do that. Right before my Dad passed away, I wouldn't think about it, and when I did talk about it, it would be automatic, like I'm not really thinking about what I'm saying, it's the same way with my Mom.
It's even more of a challenge for my Mom, since my Dad just passed away, and that was my Mom's husband of 40 years. So she just lost her husband and is trying to adjust living alone without him AND dealing with her own illness. That's like a double wammy that just doesn't seem fair at all. My parents were wonderful, they never abused anything and took good care of themselves. I just can't believe this has happened, and so fast. I still expect my Dad to come back, like he's on a trip.

I"m sorry to go on like this, but another thing that really is upsetting me is that my Dad passed away in his home. I was there for the week prior when he was so sick in the hospital bed in the house, and I really felt like I was going to have a stroke or something, my whole right side got numb. It's like it was too much to handle, being in my parents house that I grew up in. My Mom also wants it the same way, she wants the Hospice and the bed and it's like the home I grew up in is not where I want to see my parents dying, they should be in a hospital. But it's what my Mom wants and what my Dad wanted, so it has to be that way, I'm just concerned for my own health having to go through that again and so soon after my Dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:11pm
BTW I'm 35 years old with a 14 year old son, my Dad was 67 when he found out he had brain cancer and passed away at 67 and my Mom is 68, so they are not old. That's one problem I had with the care giver support group I went to last month, is that they showed a video of parents being elderly and old and getting sick, and my parents never made it to that stage, so that also gets me angry, because they are not old! My Dad had just retired one month before he found out he was sick. I live 4 blocks away from my Mom and I'm there in a second anytime they need me. Since my Dad had a brain tumor, he couldn't communicate anymore and it affected his right side, so he fell often and my Mom would call me to have me and my husband go over and pick my Dad up.
I should have posted my message board title as needing to vent, instead of just need support :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:49pm

You have been through so much, and it is not fair at all, nothing about cancer is fair and the way it cheats all of us.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 4:04pm

In the spirit of misery loving company, let me jump in here. I just lost my mom to breast cancer two days ago. My dad may go soon too because of his bad heart (it is interesting to note that 17 years ago he was given 5 years to live and is still around). I think if a bad heart didn't kill my dad already, being a widower will. I have so many emotions swirling around- we put our family dog down about 10 days ago, and I got married, which was great but a stress. Soon I may self-destruct. I don't know if I have any answers for you, but believe you me I have an idea what you are going through!

{{{{{{{{{group hug}}}}}}}}}

Express.
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 4:47pm

Dear trouchflute.....WOW you lost your Mom 2 days ago, and you just got married!!! Congratulations for your marriage! :)
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Mom, that's so recent :( and so much going on for you, it has to be extremely stressful. I sure hope you are dealing with everyting OK.
It's ironic, because my Dad had a bad heart, he had rheumatic fever when he was a kid and had all kinds of heart problems, and when he found out he had brain cancer, he was just shocked, because he always thought his heart problems would be what made him die. Life is very unpredictable.
I'm also so sorry about your family dog. Pets are as close to us as our immediate family, I know I have had cats and dogs my whole life and I love them and have lost many
:( and it's very sad to lose them.

I'm sure you won't self destruct, if you've made it through this far, I'm sure it will get better. :)
Once again, I'm so sorry you just lost your Mom.
We have the same name :) What does Express stand for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:32pm

I choose "express" as my signature, because I am a musician, and I believe that when one performs music (or does anything) that they should do it with a lot of expression.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 7:08pm

That's really cool. I had piano lessons from when I was 6 years old until I was 16 I love playing the piano and I love music. In my musical dictionary, the definition for Expression is: "The act of rendering music so as to have it display our feelings and emotions; the true spirit of music as oposed to the mere mechanical production of sound." I really like that defintion :)

Thank you for writing to me about my parents.

Beth

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