Newbie...BF diagnosed with NHL....
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| Sat, 07-08-2006 - 9:59pm |
Hi Everyone, I have always found great support on the various boards here at ivillage, so any advice would be appreciated.
In the beginning of this year I was dealt a very difficult blow and ended a very long realtionship. A few months later an extreamly wonderful man came into my life, swept me off my feet and we fell in love. A month later he was diagnosed with NHL. I struggled with the decision to stay in the realtionship becasue it was so new, and he was very supportive if I decided to leave. We had only known eachother for a few weeks, however I felt that we had met eachother at that time in our lives for an important reason. I wasn't sure what it was, but something told me not to walk away. I was confident that he could beat the disease, as I had watched my best friends mother beat it two years prior.
Well, that was about 2 months ago. In that time I have ridden the roller coaster of emotions and am completely lost in this battle. He has not been totally honest with his family about the seriousness of his diagnosis (they do not live near us) and basically has not told really anyone except me. The worst part about it is that one day he will tell me things like, "You need to prepare your self for the fact that I may be dead in a year" and when I get upset about it, he holds me and tells me that he will do anything in his power to fight this disease in order to live. I CANNOT handle this back-and-forth of emotions. He is a great communicator and always listens to what I have to say and I have expressed my feelings to him, but he always seems to remind me every few days that he may die. I do my best every day to keep a positive attitude for him and myself, but I am running out of gas. I am struggling with the fact that 1) I may lose someone who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with 2) trying to have a "normal" (as much as possible) relationship that is still new. 3) trying to be his main support system while going through a divorce myself.
So how do you do it? Relationships are difficult enough without having to deal with such an illness, but this one is even harder coupled with the fact that it is a new realtionship and we only had a short time to bask in the euphoria of it before being dealt this blow. I hold many of my emotions in, not wanting to hurt his feelings. It's summertime, we are invited to BBQ's and social get-togethers all the time, and we ususally can't go becasue he is sick. I feel selfish for being disappointed about it. I feel guilty for being bored. I feel terrible for so many things.
I am in love with him and cannot walk away at this point. But the last couple of weeks we have begun to argue and I know that is not helping his health.
I don't know what to do.....

Welcome to the board beanie, I'm glad you posted.
Judy
cl-ivhjude
Judy, thank you for your reply.
He has stage 4 Diffuse Large B cell type NHL. He has had his left preauricular lymph node removed and his right armpit lymph node removed and will schedule to have his right preauricular, left armpit and both groin lymph nodes removed soon. He is on Rituxumab (sp?) and another white pill that I cannot remember the name of right now. He tried Procrit which made him very ill, so his doctors took him off that. He is considering taking STI 571 which I do not know that much about.
He told me that he was diagnosed months ago (before he met me)and to a certain extent, ignored it. He went back to the doctor and after core biopsies and scans they told him since the last time they had seen him, the cancer tumors had grown and it had spread to his liver. So far it has not spread to his bones. They are recommending chemo as soon as he has the other lymph nodes removed, from what I understand.
Sometimes I feel like I am an uneccessary stress for him. His mother (whom he is not particularly close to, but is the CEO of a hospital) wants him to move home (to San Francisco area, we are in San Diego, about 500 miles apart). I have not met his mother yet. Considering I am the only person here that he has opened up to about his illness, and all of his friends and family are in San Franciso, as much as it breaks my heart I think it would be wise for him to move. He says he doesn't live close to his family for a reason (as he says it, they are "bananas"), but in the end they ARE his family and I am only his girlfriend. I told him I would be willing to take this journey with him (yes, I have put a lot of thought into it), but there are days when I second guess if I have the strength, patience, and courage.
I can't talk to my friends about it becasue they just look at me with huge eyes and don't say anything. They (including my family) are all worried about me becasue I have just come out of a marraige in which my husband had an affair and impregnated his girlfriend when we were discussing having our first child. I know, sounds like a movie, but it's true. I felt like I finally found a good, honest, loving, dependable man, and he may be taken away from me too.
All in all, I don't know if anyone could give me any advice. I'm just tired of crying. I love him and I am helpless.
His particular NHL is very treatable and in many cases curable.
Judy
cl-ivhjude