advice on staying strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
advice on staying strong
3
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 5:27pm

Hi, I am new to this message board and group on ivillage although I have been a memeber for a while now. Forgive me if this message doesnt make sense and if there are random typos in the text, I am rather shook up right now, and in fact barely able to hold back the tears that are pooling up under in the corner of my eyes. I am not sure how to start this message, so I hope that so far so good...

My mother is one of the people closest to me in my whole life, summers are our greatest time together because she is a teacher and had the whole summer off to take my older brother and I on so many trips. Throughout my life my mother has been one of the only constants...she fights for me when things go wrong at school, she supports me in everything I ever did, she is always there if I need her, and now she needs me and I am afraid that I am not strong enough.

Last year was my freshman year of college at a college seven hours from home, and I know that it killed my mom to have me so far away from home. Like always I came back to have our summer together and it was going pretty good...until last week when our whole life was turned upside down when my moms breast scan came back abnormal. Always one to stay strong in front of my brother and I she never really let on that it might be serious and deep down i wanted to believe so much that everything was fine like she said it was that I convinced myself I had nothing to worry about...it'd turn out to be nothing to worry about some kind of mistake...I mean how could MY mom have breast cancer? She is healthy and happy and so full of life, stuff like this only happens in other peoples lives...not mine right. My family and I have already had our struggles they should be over right?

Well this morning I got the call from my mother. At first it is like you didnt hear what you thought you heard or whatever. She was upset so I could have mistaken what she said, or I am hearing impared so I must have missed the part where she said she DIDNT have cancer...but after the third time she repeated herself sayin that her tumor was malignant and that shed be back to work in an hour or so it was like one big door swining shut and I was too slow too move out of its path. It knocked me off my feet, floored me, and all I can come up with is how? why? what?

I am terrified and no matter how many times I tell myself I need to be strong for her I cant help but feel scared and alone and hurt and angry and lost and confused. I am so scared, and part of me feels like I am the only one in the world who knows what it feels like (which is foolish cause here I am putting out a message on a support board for people living through situations like mine...but hey Im niave, I cant help it...). I am so hurt inside, and confused about what is going to happen next, I mean so she has breast cancer...now what? Treatment, radiation, everything seems to be swirling around me faster and faster, how long does it take to make her better? Is she going to get better? And then there is a part of me that is so angry. Angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at the doctors, even angry at her.

I know this is a long message but I just have to get it all out of me. I dont know where the rage comes from, but here I am livid at the same time as devasted. Most of my life my family has had to struggle through one thing or another, and things finally felt like they were falling back into place, that everything was great and then wham, take that if I thought life was going to be perfect from here on out. I am angry at myself for not being stronger, for not knowing how to support her, for not knowing in general what is exactly gonna happen next, angry for not knowing whatI should do. I am angry at the world that cancer even exists, angry at the doctors for no real reason at all (shooting the messenger I guess).

But the most selfish thing of all is that part of me is angry at her. I know it is wrong and the last thing I should do but I am still a teenager...I am supposed to react irrationally. I am so angry at how she can be so strong and go about her day like she didnt just get terrible news. I am angry that she can be so strong while here I am healthy and fine blubbering like a baby. I know she didnt let this happen to her but part of me is angrily wondering how she could let this happen to herself, how could she have cancer? Angry that everything might not be okay.

I know a lot of women survive breast cancer, and my mom is a fighter, that she will make it cause in her mind she has to but my biggest fear has always been the thought of losing one of my parents. I am not ready to let go, I am not ready to lose her and I am so scared that I am going to. I want her to be with me at my wedding helping me get into my dress and I want her to be the first person (other than me) to rock my babies in her arms. I want her to be there when my kids graduate from preschool, and from elementarty school, junior high, high school, college. I want her there when my children get married. I know that maybe I sound selfish but I cant help and.

Please help me know what to do to be there for her, how can I be strong, what can I do? Will things ever be normal again? I'd love to hear advice on getting through treatment and whatever else you can tell me about battling breast cancer. I know that I am not alone, but today I feel like the only person on earth, and maybe some of you have been there before and could tell me how you got through it, and help me understand what is going to happen to my mother, my only one true best friend.

Thank you for allowing me to be part of this message board and for all the words of encouragement and support I have already read in response to other messages. It made the world seem a little less empty...
Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 7:50pm

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Hi Katy


Welcome to the board.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:40pm

Welcome to the board Katy, I'm glad you posted:)

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 8:47pm

Hi Katy,
I understand your anger. I moved three years ago 1600 miles away from my mother. That was in June, in December she was diagnosed with melanoma. Now almost three years later, it has metasized to her lung and spleen. I'm so far away from her and feel so helpless. The anger was there too. Angry that she did this now that I've moved my son and I for a "new start on life". She worked up until this past March, her cancer progressed greatly since February. Now she is at the point of getting on SSI, awaiting for disability retirement. I feel angry now with myself-that I need to be helping her. My mom has been through radiation, two different forms of chemo (neither of which did any good), and now she's seeing if she qualifies for an experiemental treatment!

The only thing i could say is be there for her, I talk with my mom every night, and she knows she can call me if she wants to talk. My brother keeps telling her to "look on the bright side". Well at this point she's not seeing any bright side. He won't talk to her about final arrangements, life insurance, etc. but I will. After my parents divorced, my mom raised my little brother and I by herself, it was tough but she did her best. I'm now raising my son by myself and learned a lot from her. She's a tough cookie too, she's accepted her fate right now. Your mom sounds like she doesn't want to worry all of you, so again, just be there for her as much as you can. A lot of times, you won't know what to say, but just listening is a big help.

Your in my prayers. Welcome aboard
Cheryl