Cancer worries him about future
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| Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:50pm |
Hello,
I'm a new member. I've been reading the discussions for sometime now but was quite shy about sharing my problem. I feel I'm going into a phase of depression and I direly need your support and advice.
My boyfriend was diagnosed with 2nd degree Hodgkins lymphoma about a year ago. He underwent treatment, both chemotherapy and radiation and was better within six months.
We were very close during this time and when he was cured he asked me to marry him and met my parents.
Four months into remission, he found a new lump and the doctor told him the hodgkins had recurred. He underwent a new chemotherapy protocol that used very high dosages of the medication and later had stem cell transplant.
Finally, the cancer was gone, but his immunity levels were very low.
We were in touch all of the time, although he had travelled to France to continue his treatment. We used to talk over the phone everyday and he sent me messages whenever he was down.
But since he got better, he has cut all contact with me. He refuses to answer my calls, doesn't reply to my emails and deleted me from his messenger contacts. And it's been a month now.
I know he's in contact with other people, cause we have common friends. I don't know why he's acting this way. I know the experience was draining mentally and psychologically, but I still love him and don't want him to give up on "us" simply because he is afraid of the future.
Any ideas?

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You put it in to words exactly how I feel.
Judy
cl-ivhjude
Thanks Jude for your great advice.
You are describing exactly how he is. He is a determined person who knows what he wants from life. He has always been like that. I just hoped I would be beside him all through his life decisions. But it seems he has something else on mind.
I ask his friends about him and they all agree he is not in a good mood or state. He's done the chemo sessions but his immunity is very low and he has lost all his hair. He doesn't see any of them, but talks to them over the phone every now and then.
I send him a message every few days to check on him and to assure him I'm still there. My life is full of distractions with all the studying and work I have to do. It's just that I really miss him. He has been my life all through the last three years and a half. I wish he would know how much I love him.
Lili
Yeah that's great help to me.
I just hope everything goes fine for you and your family. I know it must've been a very tough time.
Actually... your words made me reflect on the first time he told me the news. I was the first person he told after his family members. He said he wasn't sure he wanted to tell me because he was worried about my reaction. He was scared I would break up with him or that break down and start crying! My reaction was different though. I was calm and I told him I knew he was going to be better. He told me I was so special to him and for the very first time he told me he loved me. He promised he would be better and that he'd make me the happiest person on earth.
But the second time, when the cancer recurred, it was different. He was so depressed. And when he checked into the hospital, he used to call me every few hours to tell me he thought about me all the time. I assured him he'd be better.
We used to talk almost everyday, even after he travelled to France to complete his treatment. The last time he called me, he said he was travelling back home in two days time. I kept calling him afterwards but he didn't reply.
I know I might not be on his agenda at the time being, but I just hope he would give us another chance.
Hugs,
Lili
When I was going through this the first time my b/f and I had been broken up but then we got back together.
For some unknown reason he just kind of vanished...not literally but basically no contact.
I was very hurt.
This time I went through a second biopsy he wasn't there but he was one of the first ppl I told.
Grabbed him in a coffee shop, hugged him and told him the biopsy was negative.
Sometimes we just have trouble sharing bad news and prefer to share the good.
Only thing I know is we are talking again, he was and is my best friend.
Like you I think ppl should be together through thick and thin but when I went through this (we had a falling out and he wasn't there for me) the first time (I really wanted and needed him to be but he couldn't and I do understand and forgave him) I was ALONE.
Not MY CHOICE.
This time it was and I didn't have him in my life.
I missed him and I know he missed me and we love each other it just happens.
Dealing with this has made us both realize no matter what we are friends and we don't want to not have contact.
Your b/f sounds like he is really concerned that CANCER has changed things between the two of you.
It can for the better or the worse but it is up to us.
Continue offering him your support and believe me HE KNOWS how much you care.
He just needs to accept you love him unconditionally.
I would find something to occupy your time, you probably are very busy being a student, but do things get out and enjoy life.
I found that since my ex and I have gone through this we are both closer.
Don't know what the future holds for us but I am taking one day at a time...new beginnings.
All I know is I am glad we are talking again and I hope in time this will come true for you.
Your b/f is sounding very insecure and I understand.
My ex doesn't even see my scars...although I do.
Maybe your b/f just needs reassurance you will love him...no matter what.
Give him time hon and in the meantime take care of yourself.
I am sure he knows you are asking about him.
It could be his lifeline.
No matter what the future holds I know my ex will be there.
And that to me has been the greatest gift...I kept pushing him away and now I know I don't want to anymore.
All he ever wanted was me to lean on him.
Finally I am.
Hi,
I was really touched by your message. It gave me hope. I'll try to occupy myself a little bit more. I'm definitely feeling better since I've joined the forum. At least I can share my feelings with people who really care :)
I just know it is HOPE that carries me through.
Not a day goes by that I don't sincerely pray your Dream comes true, and your b/f initiates contact with you.
Since I have been back in contact with my ex it seems like no matter what everything in my world is OKAY.
He has been there for me.
I explained I need to know he will. Recently having gone through so much stress it is important to me to know I can count on him through the good and the bad.
Whether we are in a relationship or not I consider him my best friend and I understand how hard this must be for you to be feeling shut out.
Keep contacting him let him know you care.
I just said to my ex why did you adbandon me?
He is sorry and I feel he might have felt helpless.
I am learning not to push him away and he is learning to realize I do it trying to protect myself...I am used to not having someone.
Communication is the KEY.
Again, thanks! "Hope" is the ANSWER.
Yes... Hope keeps me alive...
The point is I sometimes it is too difficult for me to cope. I need him too. It's just that some of the people don't understand how I care for him. Some of my friends think it is too risky to wait and some of my family members introduce me to new people so that I'd "get married" as they put it! And some guys approach me thinking I'm single.
It's too tough for me to deal with it without him being there. I understand people's concern and his behavior has left me stranded. My tongue is tied whenever someone asks, "Does he even care to call you?" It makes me cry and feel so depressed.
My mother is really sympathetic, but sometimes she gets harsh on me too. I seriously have no one to stand by me through this experience except those messages. Thanks to you and to everyone who cares to reply :)
Hey Lorie,
How are you? I hope you and your family are fine.
Well, I have some news...
I saw my boyfriend last week at college. He was working on a masters degree in psychology... Now it seems he's interested in business and is changing discplines.
He told me he doesn't go out at all, but that he decided to go to college to see what he'll do with his future. He said he was still disturbed and apologized for not replying to my calls and emails.
He promised he'd call me, but didn't. I tried to call him, but he doesn't reply.
Anyway, I still have hope although I feel he doesn't care about me anymore. But I want to stand by him no matter what.
He is passing through some hard time though he'd finished treatment and the cancer is gone. The doctors think he should continue with radiation after the chemotherapy to ensure it doesn't recur. He doesn't want to since it has many side effects.
Pray for him please.
Hugs,
Lili
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