Hi. new here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-1998
Hi. new here.
6
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:05pm

Hello. I am so glad to have found this board so I can talk to other people about how I am feeling without feeling guilty about complaining about myself when my mom is so sick.

Brief intro: I am a 36-yo mother of 3 (ds about to turn 8, dd 4.5, and ds 3.5). I am basically a SAHM but work two hours per day doing medical transcription from home. My dh is in the military active duty, so we move a lot, he is gone a lot, and do not live near family (which is one of the issues I am fighting myself over right now).

My mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer about two and one-half years ago. It had spread by the time they found it but at first she had done well. Now, it is, without mistake, stage IV with the associated blood clots, metastases, surgeries, repeat chemos, etc...She recently had surgery that added some time to her life by removing a couple of large tumors in her abdomen and burning some cancer off of her liver. She is into another round of chemo right now.

Anyway, I am itchy to go out there to see her (I am flying out next week for a week), but also sad because of the nature of this visit - she refuses to acknowledge that the cancer will eventually kill her (which it will more than likely) and does not want to talk about end of life issues, wills, where and how she wants to be buried, etc... - and her dh and I really need to talk to her about these things so when the time comes, she can go on about the work of dying and spending time with people and doing things she enjoys, and not worrying about details and trying to make arrangements, etc...

I will be spending time with her, keeping her company, attending to her side effects that the chemo is giving her, supplementing the work of the nurses and aides (she is in a care facility because she is on TPN through a PICC line), and basically, just being there. I am trying to do a lot to prepare to spend the week with her, because I am anxious about her and nervous. I feel like a bride getting ready for a wedding. This visit is going to be so important. This is the time when all things that have been left unsaid that should be said are said. I am setting high standards and expectations for my visit in terms of our relationship as mother and daughter and how I should support her and let her know I love her.

I am finding myself overwhelmed at home, making mistakes in my work because I am on autopilot, having a hard time with eating (I eat, believe me, but not as I should). I worry that I will be like this for the whole next year or however long she remains so ill.

I know this is normal. I am worried about her. Her health and time left is uncertain. I am also grieving the loss of my mom already (anticipatory grief is what I think it is called).

I wish I had lived closer these past few years, as I feel if I had been there for her with each step in her battle, it would have been easier to take this step. I feel kind of lost. And I feel guilty for not being there.

How do you cope? I have to care for my family. The bills have to get paid, the kids have to eat. I have to work or quit my job before my performance gets so bad I am let go. I feel like a wimp for feeling like I am drowning in my anxiety over this.

Do you feel guilty for feeling emotionally messed up when you are not the one who is sick? How do you get over that and take care of yourself?

My dad lost my half-brother (I did not really know him at all) in a car accident this year, and he said he gets a lot of help from a grief support group he goes to that is sponsored by Hospice in his area. Do any of you attend a support group?

I would appreicate any advice or support. I know this was long. I started writing and it all just poured out of me. Thanks for reading.

Thanks.

baby growth



New and improved siggy coming soon (which could mean after Christmas)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: lama26
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 10:03pm

Hi


This visit is going to be so important. This is the time when all things that have been left unsaid that should be said are said. I am setting high standards and expectations for my visit in terms of our relationship as mother and daughter and how I should support her and let her know I love her.


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I have walked in your shoes.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: lama26
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 4:29am

Welcome lama, I'm glad you posted.

Judy

cl-ivhjude

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-1998
In reply to: lama26
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 8:25am

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm making her one of those "make your own scrapbook style calendars" that runs through next November to keep her looking forward.

I just finished reading a book written by a friend of my mom's titled "Cancer made me a shallower person". It was a graphic memoir (aka autobiographical comic book). It was so what I needed to lighten things up a bit and give me something to read other than the dry data. It might not be for everyone, but it matched my sense of humor exactly. My mom has so many friends from her cancer support group I am not sure if I ever met her, as I have met so many people all at once I can't remember names. It was a bittersweet reading as the author died last month (which was tough on my mom), but when I went to a hospice website to look for information, there was the link to buy her book on Amazon. I took it as a sign and read it. Very funny book. Even though she has passed, you can still find a part of her spirit in the book. It really shone through.

Anyway, that is off the track.

Thanks again for your support.

Dolli

baby growth



New and improved siggy coming soon (which could mean after Christmas)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-1998
In reply to: lama26
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 8:36am

Thank you.

I guess we feel anxious because she has absolutely nothing arranged. Her dh does not even know which coast she wants to be buried on. Back with family, or out where she lives now. I guess that is something that even if she did not have cancer, is something important to know, but now, it is weighing on us. Kind of like I don't have a will, and it hangs over me that I don't. I understand that she does not want to face it. I guess it is easier for me to talk about things like that because my dh is in the military and has a dangerous job, even stateside (he jumps out of airplanes all of the time, which IMO is dangerous even if you aren't being shot at), so I often think about things like that, and what would happen if he died. I guess I need to tone it down because she definitely would not be able to handle the kind of talk my dh and I have as part of conversation. I don't even think she could handle being in on dh and me talking about what would happen if something happend to him.

Thanks for your kind words and support.

Dolli

baby growth



New and improved siggy coming soon (which could mean after Christmas)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: lama26
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 4:13am

Hi Dolli


Yes we have to look for "SPIRIT" any where we can find it to get through the battle with cancer.


As I sat last week waiting to go in to have my mamogram radiology had the "Bossom Buddies" quilt on the wall.


I was reading the names and noticed my own mother-in-law's name on the quilt.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: lama26
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:04am

Hi Dolli and thank you for the tip about the book "Cancer Made Me A Shallower Person".

Judy

cl-ivhjude