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| Sat, 12-16-2006 - 9:55am |
I haven't checked since early November -- to tell you all that my ex & I had gotten remarried & that he was doing SO much better. Well, 2 weeks ago he went out to the store & the next thing I know I get a call from the hospital saying he had fallen.
Because he was on blood thinners a small brain bleed ended up killing him. The thinners had successfully gotten rid of a clot in his heart that had caused all kinds of trouble, but the dr said he needed to stay on them. He was getting stronger every day in preparation for starting chemo again.
After being through such a terrible time, almost losing him & seeing him so depressed & saying he didn't feel he could go on -- then seeing him come back & start to talk about wanting to live & even making some plans seemed like a miracle & we were so happy. We were so happy to be back together again & to be married again.
He said he knew he probably wouldn't have as much time as we'd like but we never would have guessed this. I keep going through so many ups & downs. Happy we had the time we had, happy that his last days were good, even thinking maybe God took him this way so he wouldn't have to go through a long, painful death. But then I get into the overwhelming sadness and some anger...
I had family with me at first, I guess now I'm just feeling so alone & confused & afraid.
If you remember, I lost my last husband to cancer a couple years ago. He was sick for a long time & finally died at home. I mourned terribly after his loss. But this time is different. I just feel totally lost. And still in shock, major shock. And asking myself how am I going to go on? It seems like things keep going from bad to worse -- lost my husband 2 yrs ago, mother in law 8 months later, lost my mother last Dec, then my this diagnosis in June. Now this.
I'm sorry. I'm going on and on. I just wanted to let you know what had happened. Ihadn't been on the board because he had been feeling so well & we were out everyday doing things -- he was back to his normal busy self after being bedridden for so long. Thank God he had that time to go out & do some of the things he wanted to do...and that we got to be together to do them.
Karen

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
Oh Karen, I am so so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. It IS so very difficult around the holidays -- even when a loved one has passed at another time of year. But right in the middle of them is just overwhelming. My mother died Dec 5th last yr, now Jim -- and his birthday is the 28th.
What was once my favorite time of year is right now just a time of numbness for me. I hate this because I have 2 little grandchildren & want to be able to be there for them this year but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I finally got on the internet & bought a few presents & that's the extent of it. I don't have one decoration out, have sent no cards -- we hadn't even bought any yet, or any wrapping paper.
My last Christmas was better after the loss of my last husband -- the grief was slowly evolving (which it does) and I was seeing Jim (he hadn't been diagnosed yet). So I know things will change - we will not always feel as bad as we do now. But it is so very difficult getting through this. I am going to call Hospice & arrange to see a bereavement therapist as soon as I can. It helped me so much in the past. It won't stop the grief, and there's no magic anything that will hurry it along, but you have someone there who is specially trained to help you get through it all. And we HAVE to go through it, unfortunately, to come out the other side. Am I making sense?
The local hospice therapist even called me a couple times while Jim was very sick here to check on me since he knew I had experienced several losses & asked if I needed to come in. I felt I was doing ok so I didn't. But now I need to, and I will. If you think this is something that might help you, I would encourage you to do it.
My heart is with you. Do you have family with you?
Take good care, Karen
Thank you, Philly. You know I think it was all in a plan from above. As painful as it is, and even when I fall into the thinking "WHY?"... I do truly believe we were put back in each others' lives for this very reason. It would have been so very awful if he were to have been alone. For him & for me to have learned he went through it all alone.
I have felt that from the beginning. IT is just so difficult now...just feel so lost. I never thought it would be so soon after what he went through & made it. I thought we'd have a little more time. But thank God for what we did have.
I haven't been over to the Bereavement Board as yet, but I will. Since I'm here all alone, Iwill need all the support I can get. I have a great family, and they call all the time to check on me, but at night is the worst...when they're all asleep & I'm alone here. So, I can get on the site & check it out.
Thank you again Philly for everything. And I want to thank Judy -- I am praying for her as she goes through her treatments.
Karen
Hi Karen
I hope you are not alone this week.
Hi Karen,
Thank You for your response to my posting about my dad. Answer to your question about family:I have my two daughters which are 17 and 18. My husband,which I have been separated from for three years has also been my by side throughout my loss. It has helped me alot by having each one of them. I truly know what you mean about Christmas. We put up a tree and a few decorations but no one is looking forward to the holiday because we are in the grieving stage and we can't even get into the spirit of Christmas. I wish you well and hope that things will look up for you and your family. We are taking things one day at a time. Life is short and we must never take one day for granted,somehow we must keep going,just as our loved ones would want us to! I will keep you in my thoughts as I hope you do the same for me. Take care and stay strong. Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Rhonda