New to board-support on loss of my Dad
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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:29pm |
Hi All,
This board seems like a great group of people. Some of you have already gone through my current experience. My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on 6/6/06...and he died 3 days before last Thanksgiving. It is still really hard to absorb. He never spoke about his illness, and as a result we never got a chance to have any real good byes. My son (8) and I did spend as much time with him as possibe. He was in and out of the hospital at the end. He was at work one day (actually the day I turned 40) and I called him b/c my mom said he wanted to wish me happy birhtday but he couldn't dial the phone...and his secretary answered and said oh hun, call your mom your dad had an accident.
My Dad's stomach was upset from all his meds, and in running to the bathroom he tripped over his walker, soiled himself and broke his hip. He never made it home again.
What I am having such a hard time with, is not so much the pain of his loss, (which is numbing in and of itself) but HOW he died. And I was in the room with him when he passed away and he looked so...just wrong. He was suffocating. And they had him all plugged with morphine. He hadn't closed his eyes in 3 days prior, and finally, he had some peace.
I still feel in shock over what happened, all I saw, and all the pain of seeing my mom, my son and my brother. And his sister, etc. So it is hard for me to begin mourning because I feel so disturbed over this all. I am in counseling, and taking a leave of absence from work to just get some peace.
I would really appreciate anyone providing some insight on moving on through the greiving process. My mom is two hours from me, she is still working full-time so she won't move, yet.
Hugs,
Karen

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((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))
First let me say how sorry I am for your loss.
Karen welcome to the board :)
Judy
cl-ivhjude
Thank you so much for you compassionate reply. It helps a lot to hear from others who have gone through similar experiences. Though I am sorry each time I hear of someone who has stories. This will all just take time.
I am seeing a counselor who is helping me understand that his death didn't define who he was. That the disease just took him over. We never had hospice, never had a chance for any closure. And I think that is the hardest part. 5.5 months and bam, he was gone. And such a mess, so quickly. And that he was not at peace at all with his illness. Though how could one be? You hear about people who have the chance to be with their loved one and hold hands and say good bye. My Dad was plugged with morphine, crashed in a few hours. He didn't close his eyes for 3 days prior. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I saw and felt since his diagnosis. Some days I feel just, done. Nothing will ever, ever be the same.
And that my 8 year old son was so close with my Dad, misses him so much, and I will never get to call my Dad again to tell him all the cool things my son did. I called him every day to share something with him. It is just the suddeness and the horrific way the cancer took over.
I have decided to take 3 weeks off of work to regroup. I never took time after his passing and that backfired. I thought the busier I got the better I would be. And my work began to suffer, stupid mistakes, not focusing, etc.
My Mom is doing ok, she is in a lot of pain but incredibly brave. She amazes me, her courage and strength.
Thanks again for responding.
Hugs,
Karen
Dear Karen,
Sorry to hear about your loss and how your father passed. This brings up a dilemma for me. My H has stage 4 lung cancer and my sons are 22 and 19. I know they will want to be there in the end but I really don't want them to see they're father go through the same struggle like your father. My H has always been such a strong force in they're lives and how can I protect them, but yet I know they probably will have to be there also for their closure and grieving process. They are also very strong in their own ways but to have to actually set there and watch it. I just am not sure what to do. I know it is real life and what they have to deal with. But I remember my father when he was in the hospital and was so weak when I thought of him as so strong and suffering. He didn't have cancer but heart problems and it was tough to switch him to a different role in my life besides the strength he use to have.
I am so sorry to hear about your H. My prayers are with you...
I was thinking about your question, and I can only answer it on my perspective.
I have mixed feelings about being in the room. But if I wasn't, I would be beating myself up too. My brother is devasted he wasn't able to be there. My mom thought my Dad had another couple of weeks and told my brother to keep his business trip. So he went.
Mom felt throughout his whole illness she wanted to protect her kids too. And I am 40 years old....still her kid. I would say, and not being a professional counselor or anything, to be honest with your kids. Is there a counselor they can talk to, perhaps with you? If they can handle it, they should know what to expect and what lies ahead. This is a tough journey for all of you. I see what my Mom is going through now, and I would move heaven and earth to take away her hurt. Let your kids have closure with their Dad as they can handle it. My mom would tell me when my Dad was having really bad days but I chose to not miss a second. I have a son who is 8, and I did try to protect him as much as possible. But he was such good medicine for my Dad. They had one darn special relationship.
My Dad was unique, always had very tight control of his life. And in the end he lost all his control. And it drove him into a very bad funk. He withdrew. Not knowing your H, your experience could be very different. Every minute of every day counts. I would rather come to terms with the things I saw I think, then not have been there and lived with that. I hope that helps, and I am so sorry you and your kids have to go through this. I also hope your H is feeling ok, and his spirits are positive.
My hugs to you all...keep me posted.
Hi Karen
I just typed a long message to you and it became lost in cyber space!!!!
Just wanted to stop in and let you know I am glad you have taken some time off.
Hi
My dd was with me the last day for my Mom.
Dear Karen;
Thanks for your advice. It has helped a lot. So far we have been very honest with the kids and come and see their dad when they can, they both live about and hour away. I think it will work out better letting them know what is all going on so they can make their own decisions and when the time comes for them to be with him. My H is also a very controlled person and he has accepted his fate very well and feels he has lived a good life and no regrets. I think it will keep us all closer if they know what all is going on but I still want to protect them but they are on their own and old enough to handle it and not resent the fact if they don't know what is going on.
My prayers are with you and recovery of your loss. God has a plan for everyone, sometimes we just can't figure that out at the time. Best Wishes to you and take care of youself and your family.
littlebit_410
You sound like a wise, and strong, lady and a great Mom. As you support your kids and try and sheild their pain, I also hope you have a good support system for yourself.
My Mom never ceases to amaze me, she is an incredibly strong and brave lady. I on the other hand, have taken 3 weeks off of work, to regroup. I have been going at 200 mph since he was diagonosed, on a huge project for work, etc. And I seemed to have come to a screeching hault, it all hit like a ton of bricks. I stopped functioning at full capacity and was just burnt out. Work will live w/o me for the time being. It is nice to have time with my son, my mom, and just me. To reflect and begin to move on.
Your H sounds like an amazing man too. God bless you, and your family. It's not easy. But I guess time will be the best healer.
Be well,
Karen
Karen keep up going with the flow as that seems to work best.
Judy
cl-ivhjude
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