my dad is dying

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
my dad is dying
5
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 2:07am
I guess I don't really know how to start. I've never done this. I just need to get things out. My dad is dying right now. Last year in March he had a mass removed from his neck. On April 12th we went to the first and only oncologist appointment where he was told he had "maybe a year" to live. Well, it's March 21...Almost a year. He didn't want any kind of treatment. He got on Hospice at that time last year and still is. He is falling a lot..confused..in pain..sometimes he doesn't have much to say. I miss the man that was there before. Right after we left the onc. appointment we stood outside and cried. He said "we'll get through this together." But now I feel like it's my mom and I left to do it together..he's already left us in some ways. I have step-brothers and a step-sister and they don't come. They have a couple of times. The closest one is a little over 2 hours away and she won't come help because she "can't handle it." in her words. Well my mom and I are getting where we can't handle it. My mom still works full time..I work part time and go to school full time and have two little boys and a husband to take care of. It's caused problems in my marriage because I am not available..I'm just not. My husband lost his mom of Cancer when he was just barely a teenager..I feel guilty talking to him about my feelings and about being sad. I don't honestly know how much more I can take..and I'm afraid that this is slowly killing my mom, too. I can't fathom losing her, either. I don't know how much longer this can go on and I HATE the uncertainty of it. How can he keep going? How can we get along without him? I am torn back and forth..angry..sad..anxious..depressed..moody. I don't know what to do. I'm tired and I'm hurt. I love him so much and I'm not ready to let go. I'm just not..but he can't keep living like this. He is slowly disappearing and I think it's killing us all with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:38am

I don't have much to say, but just know that I am here with you, and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's so difficult to watch those we love slip away.... But you are not alone.

Just know that my thoughts are with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:55pm
Thank you so much for caring. You said enough.:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 2:35am

I posted a very long message to you last night but I lost it in cyber space.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:34pm

Hi - I just wanted to let you know that I could have written your story almost word for word. My dad was diagnosed with mesothelioma on February 27, 2006 and our lives have not been the same ever since. Mesothelioma is cancer of the pleura or lining of the lungs and at this time, there is no cure. It is caused by one thing - exposure to asbestos. My dad was exposed when he was around 16 years old and he enlisted in the Navy to fight in WWII. He also worked in the Navy Yard to help put food on the table for his family after they lost everything in the depression. Many things he came into contact with contained asbestos and to make matters worse, the companies and the Navy and the government knew about the hazardous conditions. The disease will lie dormant for many many years and then mask as other things so that it is difficult to diagnose and once diagnosed, is often too late to do much about.

We have been lucky in that we brought my parents up to the New York area where there are cancer centers and specialists familiar with the disease. However, my parents have truly lost their "lives". They have been married 53 years and have been the best of buddies. They have many friends and much of our family lives in Florida and that is where their life, routine, and home is. I am so grateful that we have been able to share our home with them and that my sister and her family live close by so that we are able to spend as much time as possible together.

I too have seen my dad change physically and emotionally. He is a fighter though and has been fighting through chemo, its side effects, infection, loss of weight, etc. My mom has become depressed, emotionally destroyed and angry and guilty. There is nothing anyone can do or say to make her feel the least bit of joy and here terror at what is to come is amplified by all of us feeling the same thing.

I want my daddy back. He is so kind and gracious to all who he comes in contact with. He is the "model" patient. He talks to other patients and consoles them. He talks to his friends and tells them not to worry about him. He doesn't want a fuss to be made over him. I find myself not able to go to sleep until very late at night and although I wake up early in the morning I don't want to get out of bed to face the day. My husband is my rock and we have one son who is away at college. When he is home, he is incredible and spends time with my dad and tries to cheer him up. We even got him up on the tennis court last summer so that he could try and hit a few balls. Up until his diagnosis he played two hours a day.

I am so tired. I am tired of worrying about everything. The next scan, treatment, will there be a treatment, will he get sick. How will we go on without him? How will my mom go on? Who will call me "sweetie" and worry whether I am happy or not. I see a doctor who tells me I am going through anticipatory grief and she should know - she lost several members of her family to cancer.

I am sorry to have gone on so long because I have no answers for you. I only want you to know how much you touched me and how I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are not alone. What you are experiencing is exactly what I am feeling. Knowing the pain I am in - I am sorry you are feeling the same.

I wish you all the best in your journey - laxmom981

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:15pm

I just wanted to offer prayers myself to you. I'm SO sorry. I watched my dad slowly die too. But it was within a six month time frame. And he changed too. Went from a burley man to a skinny frail man that you could barely hug or you might of broke his ribs (Lung cancer went into his bones) and then the last couple months it also made him change mentally also. In the end he was appolagizing for things that had happened before I was even born. And many times just made no sense. They said that it's a normal phase in the ends of cancer. However, it's so hard and it's the hardest on those around the patient who are taking care of them and trying so hard to make life good for them in the final months and yet the patients start taking things out on the caregiver (as my dad started to do...he'd just get mad and vent verbally and think things wern't being done right) and so finally, my step mom (I lived 2 hours away and went to help as often as I could with four young boys at home) had to put him into a hospice facility. But it was really nice. She went and did a quick visit to it first. And liked it. And what it did...was it gave our family time to spend with my dad just visiting. And loving him. And took away the "caregiver" title on all of us. Because we would all go to my dad's and take care of him so that my step mom could sleep through the night or leave the house for a while or just walk around the home without the demand of having to listen to him carefully and remember to give him his meds at this time and this time. My dad didn't want to go to a hospice home....but in the end...it was the best thing for him too. He got quality time with family...and his wife got to be his wife. Not his round the clock nurse.


I would definitely look into hiring a home care nurse or sitter type person OR look into a nice homey like facility where someone is there to look after him and be his nurse while the family gets to be his family. I'm not sure if your dad's cancer is that far progressed to think about placing him outside the home...but if you can afford to or have the insurance to....it would certainly give your family some peace of mind. Dad would be taken care of and you guys can spend quality time with him and not have to have the stress of the demands of his nurse duties.


Whatever happens, I hope you and your mom find peace. And that your dad doesn't suffer! My dad refused treatment in the beginning of his Lung cancer..and went straight to Hospice. He did take himself out of it shortly when he was in so much pain that he needed help...and he called the ambulance himself! It was determined that the tumor was pushing on his spine and causing him hurrendous pain...and because they considered the radiation he received to shrink that tumor and relieve his pain ...a pain relief measure...he was allowed to re-enter hospice and still go for radiation to keep that tumor down.


Hugs..I'm thinking of you and your family!


Sydney (lost dad two years ago to Lung cancer and I also have a 10 yr old son who is 3 1/2 years off treatment for Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia!!!)...mommy to four boys and loving wife!