How do I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How do I?
5
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 2:28am

How do I support him without being bossy, controlling, etc.? I have this "mothering" thing (probably from being the daycare provider for my much younger sisters and brother when I was in my early to late teens and then having five kids of my own LOL) that I tend to do.

My dh was a bachelor until we married when he was 54yo. He had lived with one woman for less than six months prior to that when he was in his late 20s. (Linda Pickton of the pig farm Pickton who's on trial for serial murders in BC, Canada was that one woman. Go figure... She, BTW, had NOTHING to do with that brother and even changed the spelling of her last name to not be connected to her family at all before she and my dh lived together.) His way of getting through things is to work them out in his head and then move forward with what needs to happen. Also, when he is sick, he pretty much wants to be left alone. I have learned how much "taking care of" he needs and will put up with.

I think that I am having trouble finding that balance with his cancer. I want so much to make it go away, for him to feel better emotionally and physically, and to be able to take care of him. I can't do that and be supportive of his needs. He told me (after a big argument) tonight that I need to back off and let him deal with this in his head. My problem is that I want to spend as much time as we can together before he goes into treatment. I am reading how much that will take out of him regardless of what treatment he ends up having.

Do I just back off and not say that to him? I'm afraid to at this point because of how emotionally he is not doing well. Yet, if I don't, then what? ARGH If it's this hard just to get through this, how do we get through the rest?

I guess I'm mostly afraid of only having this short time before treatment as any kind of "normal" time that we might have.... ever. I keep thinking about being without him. How do I survive without him? How do I live without him? I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling so lost and alone. It feels like he's shutting me out. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to who would understand. I'm just lost.










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In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

-shing xiong

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: amcanmom
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 3:19pm

Did your husband decide on treatment, yet?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: amcanmom
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:03pm
I think that part of our problem right now is that we don't know any of the particulars, just that he had 8 biopsies, 7 clean, 1 cancerous. No staging, No Gleason score, nothing else. His urologist wanted us to wait until he got to the cancer clinic to go into this. Not a good idea, IMO! It takes two weeks for the cancer clinic to get back to the urologist's office to make an appt for him. We have no idea how long we have to wait for the appt at this point. He has a test on the 10th. That's all we know. If we could make a decision on treatment and know where we are going, it would help both of us immensely. (We are dealing with the BC, Canadian national health care system. It's different than the states.)









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In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

-shing xiong

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: amcanmom
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:41am

These days, the American health care system isn't doing too well, either


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: amcanmom
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:54pm

My former boss, a state senator, had prostate cancer.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
In reply to: amcanmom
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 5:52pm
The best way you can support him is to be the wife you've always been. Continue to care for your family and him but don't mother him. Be his wife above all else. He is still the man you married, nothing can change that, not even cancer. Learn all you can about treatments, offer support and you're doing great hon!


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