Looking for advice/ suggestions re: mom
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| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:13pm |
I posted here awhile back (probably last summer/fall?) regarding my mom, who was diagnosed with Stage 4 lunch cancer last July. At that time her prognosis was 3-9 months, probably closer to 3, and she elected not to have chemo or anything beyond a palliative course of radiation. Well, that was 9 months ago, and here we still are. Mom is still living with cancer, and we (my brother and I, both grown) are dealing with her. When she was diagnosed last summer she made it seem like everytime we saw her might be the last time--I live 8 hours away and have a family, and my brother moved back to the town where mom lives last fall (not really for her, but for other reasons).
The problem we are having right now (and for a LONG time before this) is with mom's demands on others. She lives alone, and at this point I am not concerned with that as far as a safety issue. I think she's fine in her own home. The problem is she wants to go out all the time, which my brother and I think is not necessary. She has been on alot of Prednisone for awhile, which caused her to gain about 40 lbs since Christmas and causing problems with her legs, and made it extremely difficult for her to move around (she also has chronic back problems). But she still insists on doing all this stuff. She lives in a 2nd floor apartment, and just getting her down the stairs was a major effort, with her having to rest several times to catch her breath and get her strength back. She needs a wheelchair to go anywhere--even from the door of her apartment to the car. At this point, she has pretty much burned everyone out. Her friends are all making excuses as to why they can't take her out anymore, and my brother is at his wits end. He flat out refuses to take her shopping and out for lunch anymore. She insists on buying things she doesn't need (and can't afford, since she has no life insurance and we certainly don't have $$ laying around for her funeral). When she wants to go somewhere or needs something, she doesn't "ask"--rather, she says she "needs" us to do whatever, or we "have"to do this for her--and rarely is there a "thank you". She really has been like this (very selfish) most of her life, but it's just intensified now. I have spoken with her hospice social worker, and she agrees with me, but doesn't really know what to do about it. Mom will not let her put her on the list for a nursing home, even though we have talked about how much easier it would be for her. She wants to die at home, which I understand, but which just is not practical with the way things are. This is also causing alot of tension between my brother and myself. Being the oldest, I have power of attorney, but I am also not there to deal with her on a daily basis. He is furious with her and fed up, and wants me to talk to her and get her to back off. I tried, but I'm not a confrontational person, so I didn't get it across to her how upset he is. So now he's upset with me. I'm just not sure what to do here. I know I probably sound really cold-hearted, but there's alot of history here that others don't understand. I have been considering calling her best friend, who is the only person she seems to listen to, but this friend also always takes mom's side, and I don't feel would be supportive of our position.
Sorry to be so long-winded. I guess I'm just at a loss.
Dana


Dana,
I really don't have any advice but I do want to tell you there alot of great people on this board who will help you. And not to worry about how long you post is. Mine was long too. I know that it is hard to stand up to your mom. I tryed to do and I couldn't. But I know that I should have and not had my son do it. But I think you do need to stand up to her and tell her to back off some. Or just do what you think is best.
I know you will get some really help here.
Regina