Dad Died May 14th

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Dad Died May 14th
6
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 3:31pm

Hi, I am new to this board at iVillage and looking for some advice. My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on March 15th and died on May 14th. The diagnosis and his death took us all by shock. We had no idea he was sick but when he was diagonsed the cancer had spread to his bones, lymph nodes, etc... He died at home and we used a home hospice program for support. They did effectively manage his pain for the most part. I am still in shock.

I am also going through a very sad divorce and my soon to be ex is essentially our of our lives (3 kids-12, 10, and 7). He returned to his home country 5 days after my Dad's funeral and we have and will have very little contact with him. I wanted the divorce (chemical dependency issues) but I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us. My Dad was my biggest cheerleader and my kid's biggest support through the divorce. He never missed one sporting event, school event, dance recital, etc... I feel so alone. I am trying to be strong for my kid's and my Mom but I am just going through the motions. Inside I feel like I am crumbling. How do I get through this making sure that everyone is alright? This past year has been too much for all of us. Any advice welcome...

Molly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:30am

((((((((((Hi Molly))))))))))

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I am so sorry for your loss dear.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:56pm

Molly,

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe we could help each other. I know that I too am going through a range of emotions and my mother has not passed yet, but maybe you could help me to know what to expect. How are you presently getting through your days? I hope you are able to find some kind of relief if at least from watching your children explore and enjoy life.

My mother recently went to the doctor for a head cold and fatigue that she couldn't get rid of. Headcolds were on going around our family so it didn't alarm us at the time. She is a 68 year old that has been smoking for 44 years. While at the doctor on Monday for her cough and fatigue, they additionally took an x-ray of her lungs since she was a long term smoker. As soon as she came home Monday, they called immediately and told her to come in the next day. They gave her - her x-rays to take to her new CAT scan appointment they made due to her x-ray revealings. Her lower left lung has collapsed, her heart is affected and they have noted calcifications. Her dad had lung cancer in 1968. Her x-rays are very similar to his. In short, we talked then carried on other conversations in casual. We both did not know what to think of the x-rays, but were making light of them. In hindsight, she must have been making light of them because her fear was huge. We've been through other scares in our lifetimes - so we knew that it could be anything. I am now beginning to think she knows more than she was telling me. In short, she picked a fight with me and told me that she didn't want to see me for another year - (we had been estranged for a year and only now began amends) then she said that she would rather not see me for another 10 years. I don't know what to do and I love her. This cross is huge. Does this sound like lung cancer to you? I don't know and I can't call her. I upset her. I don't want my presence to upset her.

If you don't mind my asking - how did they diagnose your father initially? I am beside myself worrying and don't know how I am going to find the answers. Presently, I've informed a cousin and hopefully she can find out and get back with me after they do a cat scan.

Molly - please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. You have a lot on you.
God bless, Kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:56am
Hi Kris, I know how hard it can be to sit and wait for answers. My Dad really had no lung symptoms. Never a cough, breathing problems-nothing-not even before he died. He had quit smoking 30 years ago. He was diagnosed because he started having an ache in his lower back and a bump on his abdomen that turned out to be a tumor after a biopsy. It turned out that the cancer had already metastasized to his spine and that was the pain he was feeling but they are certain that the origin of the cancer was his lungs. By the time it was diagnosed it was really all over his body. He tried some chemo and radiation in the hopes that it would slow it down but there was no chance for recovery and it made him unbearably ill. He opted to stop treatment. We used a home hospice program and he died almost exactly two months from diagnosis.
I am not a doctor but from what I have been told-lung cancer can manifest in different ways or none at all like in the case of my Dad.
I am sorry you have been estranged from your mother. That must make this very difficult. If there is any way you can continue making ammends with her I would suggest it. Even if it seems to upset her at first. If this is really serious she will need your love and support and it sounds like you want to be there for her. Although two months from diagnosis to my Dad's death was very short, I feel very lucky to have been able to have had some meaningful conversations with him and to help take care of him in his last months.
If you want to talk more or have more questions you can e-mail me through my profile. Take care of yourself.
God bless.
Molly
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:38am

Molly,

I tried to email you through your profile and it listed that there was no profile set up. Presently my car is in the shop and today my mother is suppose to have her CAT scan. I am going to walk to the florist to pick out some flowers to send to her house for the day after her results. I want the timing to be right. I don't want to upset her and if my presence does that - it would crush me. So I'm hoping the flowers will be a nice gesture to let her know that I love her no matter what.

Molly - I realize that you are going through your own emotions right now from having lost your dad. I'm hoping that in my confusion and loss that you helping me may also help you as you are going through the aftermath. Losing your dad had to have been so very difficult and I'm certain that it still is. Just maybe we can help each other through these steps. I'm thinking of your loss and praying to God that your relief and peace will come soon. Thank you for sharing with me. Kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 2:05pm
molly i am so sorry for your pain,,,,just lost my 27 year old ssister to cancer 3 weeks ago and my mom 2 years,,,,you will some how find the strength to get through this,,,it really is a one day at a time ,,,,i know how hard it is,,,but you be ok,,,it funny how life still goes on and you have to not only for you but your kids,,,god bless ginny
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 2:03am

Hello Ginny


I am so sorry for your loss.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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