I'm really angry...
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| Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:53pm |
I'm really angry. I'm 26 years old and my father has Leukemia....Not just any leukemia...NK-LGL. It's so rare, there is barely any information on it. "Most people diagnosed die within 2 months of diagnosis."
There are two forms. Acute and Chronic. My brother is a cancer research scientist for St. Judes...He pulled all kinds of strings to learn about this disease. He found the doc that has done most of the research on it. My father's doc says he has the acute form. The guy doing all the research on the disease thinks my father has the chronic form. The chronic form meaning he wouldn't need any treatment and that it wouldn't kill him faster than natural causes. My father has always been very morbid suffering from depression. He chose to do chemo. instead of wait and see what his blood counts would do.
My brother and I asked my father to get another opinion before he started chemo. I work in a hospital, I've seen what chemo does and how painful it is. There is a reason some patients are on morphine drips... I get that. My father says he "trusts" this doc. My father isn't very educated. He came back from the doc and said...well.. the cancer is in my bone marrow. I didn't freak b/c...well..that's where leukemia is....it affects blood cells...which are made in the bone marrow. Apparently this was "horrible". The doctor made him believe that it had "moved" into his bone marrow. This is why he chose to have the chemo. He said I'm already throwing up...so no big deal...and i'll lose my hair...oh well. He blamed my brother and I for his white cells going from 18000 to 20000. We just wanted him to be informed. He got two very different answers from two docs. One that has not seen very many cases of this leukemia and the other deals with it every day.
I'm afraid he wants to die. I'm angry b/c I only got 26 years with him. My brother and sister had 40+ years.
I'm hurt b/c he thinks I'm to blame b/c i told him to get another opinion before he started chemo...and he thinks he got so much more ill for waiting.
I'm angry b/c he had his second round of chemo and now he's lost his hair. He hasn't been throwing up but his body is in terrible pain. He can't understand why. He told me his legs just ache. And i want to smack him. I want to throttle his doctor. He thought the shot they gave him after chemo would stop all the side effects of chemo. Chemo is poison put in your veins to kill the bad cells...hopefully before it kills the good cells. It's painfull and scary. And I want to yell at him. I want to shake him and say you could have possibly avoided this if you had just seen a different doctor.
I'm angry b/c my mom is his slave and he treats her so poorly. She doesn't think he'll be alive in 6 months so she doesn't want to yell at him or stand up for herself. I'm the one that does it.
I'm angry b/c i feel incredibly guilty. I want to lash out and smack him, but I see he's in pain and it hurts. It hurts b/c i can't get him to understand that this is fairly normal. This isn't the end of the pain....just the beginning. I'm really conflicted.
I'm angry b/c I need to know that he's doing this b/c he needs it. Because he may not be alive in a couple of months. Not because he wants to make our family miserable.
I'm sorry I needed to vent. I'm very pregnant and this is all i have to deal. My husband won't listen to me and I can't talk to my mom about it b/c it upsets her even more and she has so much to do.
I feel really lost.


I am so sorry your Dad has cancer.
I completely understand your frustration and anger which I'm sure is only compounded by pregnancy hormones. My 37 year old sister just spent 6 months battling Hodgkins Lymphoma and it's been incredibly rough on her and everyone around her. The best adage I've heard about cancer is that the cancer patient is hit with the bullet but the family and loved ones get hit with the shrapnel. Your dad is undoubtedly angry, scared, and depressed. And he's going to continue to feel that way most likely. I think cancer patients seem selfish sometimes because they need to be; having cancer is all-consuming - they can't walk away from it like their family members can, even if it's just for an hour. It can be infuriating for the caregiver, who can often get lost in the disease - the caregiver feels they can't fight back because, hey, their loved one has cancer! I think there is a healthy balance and you will be biting your tongue moreso than normal b/c your dad is sick but at the same time (and I lost it on my sister a couple of times) you or your mom or whomever may need to gently remind your dad that while he is the one who is sick you are all suffering from this terrible disease and you're doing your best. And PLEASE don't believe his condition or worsening of it is your fault; no one is to blame for someone getting cancer.
I wish you the best - hang in there and vent to whomever will listen b/c it's so important to get that anger out of you in order to keep moving forward :-)
Baby, I'm so sorry for you. It's okay to be mad. I'm in the same situation, except I don't have anyone to talk to who really knows what's going on. My husband has Stage IV lung cancer. He's always been a wimp when he's sick, so after radiation and two rounds of chemo, you can imagine. When he feels bad, it's awful, when he's whiny and I ask where it hurts he doesn't know. Some days I can't tell if he's on a pity party or really in pain! Then there's the good days, when he feels okay and sits and gripes about everything. He's changed so much! Feels like you're running aroud in the dark with your emotions on full boil, doesn't it?
Take care of yourself and your baby. That's number one! Do what you can, but when you can't handle the situation, get away for a while. You're going to need all your strength and sanity for the baby...childbirth isn't for wimps and neither is motherhood.
I wish I could tell you more, but at 49 I've discovered life is not fair...at all. I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer in 2001, my dad died of alzheimer complications April 2006 and my sister died of squamous cell carcenoma in September. My husband was diagnosed a week after my sister died. On the plus side I have a beautiful great nephew born in November and my grandaughter was born in January. I'd say it all evens out, but I don't think it ever does. Please take care of yourself and let me know when you need to vent. I'm here for you dahlin'!
Hi and welcome to the board.
Personally I could never be a full-time caretaker, such as a nurse.