I am new and I am scared
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| Mon, 07-30-2007 - 11:00am |
Hi everyone
I need an outlet for my anxiety over my daughter's brain cancer.
She has a glioma tumour with malignant cells.
We found out on Jan 30th 2004. (It was on my son's birthday.)
I went into a fugue-type state and have very little memory the first 2 weeks after we found out.
It took me 2 weeks to cry because I was not accepting the diagnosis.
I have since divorced (didn't want that either) and I have lost most of my/our friends in this mess.
I am 50 years old and most do not know how to handle me, what to say, so they stay away.
I stay away from them too. I feel more irritated after being with them.
I have had psychiatric help for all the grieving - loss of marriage, friendships, and terminal illness.
People tell me that I have to "start a new life".
This only makes me more anxious/sad/confused...)
I should say that my daughter is/seems healthy right now.
She has had surgery and chemo.
I would like to hear back from anyone who might care.
Sue

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Hi Sue
I care. I do not know much about that particular cancer. I do know about chronic diseases (my sister died from lupus in 2004). I do know that life changes dramatically and "get over it" is a stupid statement as is "start a new life"
We will get to know each other!
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Thank you for caring cl
Yes, I also hear "get over it" too. How do you get over it when your only daughter is terminally ill?
I am sorry about your sister.
I have 4 brothers, all well so far.
I have a son. He is doing well. It has taken him 3 years to truly understand the seriousness of his sister's health. He has just graduated from a 3d animation school and is on his way to the career of his dreams. He very recently told me that he wants to live close to his sister. I cannot tell you how important this is to me. They have not seen much of each other for many years - since grad. He has had his time to think, and has become a kind young man.
I saw your profile, I have a dog too. Her name is Chloe. She has been through all the trauma with me.
She is such a good friend.
My husband used to say that I loved her more than him.
I didn't understand that one. He chose her.
But, we were having trouble. I know people say such things to their partners when the relationship is deteriorating.
I wonder how many other couples divorce when cancer comes close. I have heard it is not uncommon.
We were together for 28 years.
I still grieve this too. I signed the divorce papers about a month ago.
So, 3 1/2 years later, I am still here, but every day is tough.
Kindest regards to you and your family
Sue
Sue
It is lovely to meet you. Many marriages do not survive the loss or potential loss of a child. It devastates many things. I am glad that your son wants to be nearer his sister. I am forever grateful that my sister lived close enough so that we could give her a home for the last years of her life. Our other sister lived hundreds of miles away.
I do know that the phrase "having a good day" took on a whole new meaning during that time. Have you found that to be true also?
I had to think about your question.
It goes quite deep. I find a lot of people say "Have a good day." and I often don't like to hear that.
It has become too common and it is superficial. It usually has no meaning between strangers.
But when I think about it, some are genuinely caring people and I appreciate them.
I don't often have a good day, but that is changing.
I am trying to be positive and hopeful.
I have to find a way to have more fun.
I think that is the key for me. Fun and laughter. I also need to find friends. I am very social.
And work.
These are key components to my coping strategy. And we do need strategy and we must implement it.
Yes, it has changed for me.
Thank you for your response.
Edited 7/31/2007 2:32 pm ET by sueandchloe
Co-CL of the Breast Cancer Support Board
(((((((((Sue))))))))))
It is one of the hardest jobs we have as parents......to watch and care for a child that is ill.
Why do people run away from you when you need them the most? My sister is dying of cancer. It started with breast cancer four years ago and she has gone through so many treatments since then. Radiation, chemo, more radiation, more chemo. She now has lung cancer and brain cancer and is under the care of Hospice. Like you have said in your email, people can not handle what you are going through and stay away. I can relate. My friends don't call anymore. They avoid me. This is when I need them the most. I feel like I am walking into walls here. You are not alone. To tell you the truth I thought I was. I am glad your daughter is at a healthy time. Enjoy!
Thanks for your email. It helped me and I hope you know that there are people in this world that do care.
Gayle
Hi Philly
Our marriage was in trouble before we knew of our daughter's cancer.
My husband was going to personal counselling for a couple of years before this landed on us. He stopped talking to me from the very first session with his counselor. I don't know why.
I thought that counseling would bring him in touch with the good things in our lives. Instead, he came to believe that he wanted out; his motto was that he would always be 18. (There was a song about that.)
He resented me. He was angry and he stopped caring. But he did not tell me what was going on.
Some specualated that he was in a middle age crisis (a bit late in life).
We were together for 28 years when we separated.
Since then, he has completely severed me from his life.
How does someone do that? I realize that you are responsible to make your own happiness, I just don't understand why we (Chloe -our dog- and I) were essentially expelled from his life.
I am alone at the time I need him most. The man I married. The man who was very caring about me.
I still wake up crying because I dream that he wants to reunite and we cannot find each other.
Yet, he will not speak to me.
This seems so unhealthy and I wonder what counseling has done for him.
We used to be so close. I used to make him laugh. That was something that I knew that made him happy.
Now,I feel so lost. He was a part of me. I loved him and wanted terribly to work things out. Now, I do not exist.
I would like nothing better than to reunite and have our family. Instead, everyone has gone away. And time is not on my side.
Lauren has 10-15 years. But that does not mean she will be healthy that long. It means that that is when she will die. She will get more tired all the time. She will sleep more. Until she does not wake up again. I know this because I have researched this.
And another thing that is so difficult; Lauren sees me rarely.
She and my son prefer the company of my husband and his sister (their aunt). They have money. Aunty took Lauren to Spain.
Dad and Aunty are successful professionals. I am not.
I have a bit of money, and I asked the children if they would like to go to Europe or Africa or Mexico with me. They won't. Why?
I am on the outside. When I start to think of that, I try to focus on something else or I will cry.
Who are these people (my husband and my inlaws)? How can they white out someone who has been there and loving and trying for so long?
I just don't get it.
My husband tended to be less social than me; now he has joined clubs and he is going skiing (in addition to car racing). This is wonderful. I hope he is happy. I just don't know why he waited until I was gone before he did this. I always said that he had to get out there and find some hobby or other interest because he need relationships other than those at home.
How long does it take for someone to get over this?
I am grieving for the loss of my marriage and my family. Lauren will die in her 40's.
I used to be happy.
My greatest hope is that Lauren will recognize how much I love her and that we too can have fun together. So,I wait. To hear anything from her.
I do not email my children anymore.
I wait for them to email me.
It hurts too much when I send an email and they do not respond.
My son is better and he seems to understand.
Thank you for caring
Sue
Hi Gayle
Why do people run away from you when you need them the most?
Do you think it is because they are so busy these days?
Hi
Perhaps you could call dd and plan a Mom-dd day.
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