Dad losing fight
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| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:48pm |
My dad is starting to lose his battle with colon cancer. He was diagnosed December of 2005, and is currently undergoing his third round of chemo. The cancer has spread to his lungs and liver. My mom just told me today that if his tests the end of this month don't show an improvement, they are going to stop treatment and just let the cancer run its course. He did well the first year of the disease, but there has definitely been a downward trend in his health and his general day to day quality of life.
I have really had a hard time dealing with this. My brother has been in Iraq for almost a year, and I have had two grand parents die this year. And just last week my boyfriend told me that he thinks I have changed as a person and hates that I am angry and sad most of the time. I feel so stressed out...I just don't know what to do.
It makes me so sad to think that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle or be around for my children. And now I feel that the end is right around the corner. I don't understand how they just give up. I don't understand how if something doesn't work, they don't try harder or try something different.
How do I deal with this? I'm not ready to lose my dad!

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(((HUGS))) I can hear how stressed out you are feeling. You sure have more on your plate than most people do. I wish there was some magic potion to help your dad. But, it doesn't sound like it. Nor do I have wonderful words to comfort you at this difficult time.
Hi,
I am sending hugs to you as well. I know how hard and frustrating this must be for you, as well as devastating. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer 3 weeks ago and I am still upset with the doctors who were treating him, WHY did they give up when I felt like they could/should have done more, my mom feels the same way as I do, and still shocked over his death just 8 months after his diagnosis! It is not fair and I can completely understand your feelings.
I too can offer the advice that you should spend as much time with your father, help your mother take care of him as often as you can, hold him, hold his hand, give hugs and kisses and tell him how much you love him. Talk about happy memories of the past, that part, the talking about happy memories I feel like I didn't get to do enough with him, but I think that is maybe just my grief reaction, I am still having a tough time accepting the fact that he is gone as well. I am now on the Bereavement and Healing Board but I do get on here every now and then to offer hugs and whatever advice that I can.
((((((HUGS))))) to you Sweetie
Sue
I am so sorry.
I do kinda understand your parents point of view, though, There comes a point at which fighting takes more energy than a body has to give. Your dad may want to spend his days being instead.
You are might want to call hospice and as them these questions...they are so supportive.
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I am so sorry you have received such sad news.
Thanks for everyone's support! I know I should be spending more time with him and talking about the good times. But it is so hard. It's hard for me, and I think it's really hard for him. He doesn't like to talk about this whole thing. In fact, he never asks the doctors about life expectancy...because he doesn't want to hear bad news!!! That makes me so mad. I mean, I guess I understand not wanting to know if you have a year or so left. But wouldn't you want to know if you only had weeks left?! Is the doctor just going to push through and tell us then?! I was watching tv with him the other day and some cancer commercial came on and he put it on mute.
We never talk about the cancer. We talk about how he's feeling (like sick, tired, fever, etc.), but never about the cancer directly. I know he does with my mom a little. And I don't want to reminisce and talk about the good times. That's really hard. Almost like if we don't do that, it will delay it. I don't know what to do. And I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I don't know what to do...
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry to hear what your Dad, you & your family are going through.
I lost a very dear friend earlier this year to pancreatic cancer -only a few mos after his diagnosis. I can tell you that he did not want to discuss his diagnosis, and was definitely more withdrawn and standoffish. This was shocking considering he had always been the life of the party.
My Aunt, who is like a second mom to us, is currently fighting ovarian cancer. In two weeks, we have rushed her 2x to the ER because she was having unbearable pain. Like your father, she does not like to discuss her condition with us. Instead, she prefers to talk about her garden, her pets, music, et al. It has been very frustrating for us; but on the other hand, this is her way of dealing. I've learned to let her talk about anything she wants; because I don't want her to dwell on the Unthinkable and be even more depressed than she already is.
Again, my heart goes out to you & your family.
Prayers & ((hugs))
Hello again,
I wanted to post this article that someone shared with us on the Johns Hopkins Ovarian Cancer board. It deals with survival vs. quality of life, and how the children felt when they "let go" of their Mom. I hope this brings you a little comfort or perspective.
Prayers & ((hugs))
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This is the message that was posted on the ACOR site. It is in response to a daughter's concerns about the rapidly approaching end of her mother's life:
'As much as we want our mothers to always be with us and hope that they will someday become whole again, there comes a time when we need to weight the difference between survival and quality of life.
We did two things that we will never regret.We hired full time caregivers to be with Mom to instantly meet all of her needs.We first conferred with, then brought in hospice.Yes, the caregivers cost us a fortune but every penny was well spent.Mom grew very close to the two main caregivers and I know their presence comforted and reassured her as they allowed her to remain in her own home.
It is not easy to choose palliative or hospice care over active treatment and I'm not suggesting that this is the best course for your own mother.However, you might find some emotional comfort and support by discussing options with these very experienced and wonderful people.I highly recommend doing this before you actually need these services.
The local hospice in our area has regular meetings for caregivers and then grief counseling, as appropriate.Obviously, it is possible to begin grieving even while our loved one is still with us as we face an uncertain future and loss.
The social workers have been wonderful in easing my father's fears and helping us to find the resources we have needed during a difficult time.
Hospice was very good with pain control.Sometimes there may be a choice between complete pain relief and clarity of mind and they can help in that regard also.
Hospice provided a hospital bed, commode, walker and wheelchair and oxygen for Mom.The hospital bed made such an amazing difference in comfort and accessibility for her that I would have bought one had it not been provided.Hospice in the US is a Medicare benefit with no co-pay nor out of pocket expenditures.They provided all medications at no cost relative to the primary diagnosis.(Some hospices will pay the cost of all medications).
I can only give you our experience.There came a point when continuing treatment just became too debilitating for Mom.It was hard to accept but it became clear that active treatment would no longer provide much benefit or any disease-free time at all.We left the decision to her, of course. She chose to accept the referral to hospice.
Mom was a fighter, holding on as long as she possibly could but the disease took its course.
Having the caregivers allowed us to keep her in her home and to allow us to just be her daughters.We were still very actively involved but we left the actual physical care, hygiene, etc. to the very wonderful and professional nurse.It was clear from the start that she knew many little tips and techniques that we didn't, and that helped immensely with Mom's comfort.I believe that since we couldn't save Mom, we were able to give her the gift of the most comfortable and natural way to slip away from this life...and into Heaven.
It was a relief for all of us, beginning with Mom, to know that there would be no more ambulance rides to the ER.No more time in the hospital. Dad would receive the counseling and emotional support he needed from the social worker and chaplain.
Having recently been through this, and being involved with hospice now for Dad, I found this article from the New England Journal of Medicine to be excellent: 'Understanding Hospice:An Underutilized Option for Life's Final Chapter' by Gail Gazelle, MD.It should be listed in their archives.
There is a time to fight for every moment of life and a time to gracefully let go.It is up to each of us to decide, in our hearts, when this time will come.I learned this from watching Mom, and from some of the truly heroic and inspiring women here...beautiful spirits, all.'
mx3913 I feel your pain and know myself what you are going through. On April 18 (my birthday) my daddy was in the hospital and we were told that he has lung cancer. Because of his health they could not do any treatments and gave him less then a year to live. I have a 4 year old son who is not going to remember much about his papaw and it is killing me. I know my dad will be in a better place cause he is a child of God but it still hurts and makes me sooo mad at times. I feel I'm to young to loose him and the thoughts of the pain he is in makes me feel at times that I am looing it. I also know what you are talking about with your boyfriend, my husband tries to be understanding but it's not his dad going through this and just about everyday after work I go over to my parents and my hasband will make the commett "your going over there again tonight" I guess if someone is not walking in your shoes then they really don't know what you are going through and how it will change the person you are.
Stay strong!!!
suntan311
Hello and welcome to the board.
I am so sorry your family is going through so much.
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