Dad losing fight

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Dad losing fight
36
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:48pm

My dad is starting to lose his battle with colon cancer. He was diagnosed December of 2005, and is currently undergoing his third round of chemo. The cancer has spread to his lungs and liver. My mom just told me today that if his tests the end of this month don't show an improvement, they are going to stop treatment and just let the cancer run its course. He did well the first year of the disease, but there has definitely been a downward trend in his health and his general day to day quality of life.

I have really had a hard time dealing with this. My brother has been in Iraq for almost a year, and I have had two grand parents die this year. And just last week my boyfriend told me that he thinks I have changed as a person and hates that I am angry and sad most of the time. I feel so stressed out...I just don't know what to do.

It makes me so sad to think that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle or be around for my children. And now I feel that the end is right around the corner. I don't understand how they just give up. I don't understand how if something doesn't work, they don't try harder or try something different.

How do I deal with this? I'm not ready to lose my dad!

Pages

Avatar for lauriw4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:13pm

(((HUGS))) I can hear how stressed out you are feeling. You sure have more on your plate than most people do. I wish there was some magic potion to help your dad. But, it doesn't sound like it. Nor do I have wonderful words to comfort you at this difficult time.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 1:38am

Hi,

I am sending hugs to you as well. I know how hard and frustrating this must be for you, as well as devastating. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer 3 weeks ago and I am still upset with the doctors who were treating him, WHY did they give up when I felt like they could/should have done more, my mom feels the same way as I do, and still shocked over his death just 8 months after his diagnosis! It is not fair and I can completely understand your feelings.

I too can offer the advice that you should spend as much time with your father, help your mother take care of him as often as you can, hold him, hold his hand, give hugs and kisses and tell him how much you love him. Talk about happy memories of the past, that part, the talking about happy memories I feel like I didn't get to do enough with him, but I think that is maybe just my grief reaction, I am still having a tough time accepting the fact that he is gone as well. I am now on the Bereavement and Healing Board but I do get on here every now and then to offer hugs and whatever advice that I can.

((((((HUGS))))) to you Sweetie

Sue

Sue the Ho
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
In reply to: mx3913
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 8:14am

I am so sorry.


I do kinda understand your parents point of view, though, There comes a point at which fighting takes more energy than a body has to give. Your dad may want to spend his days being instead.


You are might want to call hospice and as them these questions...they are so supportive.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket



Follow me to my partners in the siggie exchange





follow me to my favorite places on ivillage


Alcohol Problems Board


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 5:15pm

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


I am so sorry you have received such sad news.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 11:42am

Thanks for everyone's support! I know I should be spending more time with him and talking about the good times. But it is so hard. It's hard for me, and I think it's really hard for him. He doesn't like to talk about this whole thing. In fact, he never asks the doctors about life expectancy...because he doesn't want to hear bad news!!! That makes me so mad. I mean, I guess I understand not wanting to know if you have a year or so left. But wouldn't you want to know if you only had weeks left?! Is the doctor just going to push through and tell us then?! I was watching tv with him the other day and some cancer commercial came on and he put it on mute.

We never talk about the cancer. We talk about how he's feeling (like sick, tired, fever, etc.), but never about the cancer directly. I know he does with my mom a little. And I don't want to reminisce and talk about the good times. That's really hard. Almost like if we don't do that, it will delay it. I don't know what to do. And I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I don't know what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:22am

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry to hear what your Dad, you & your family are going through.

I lost a very dear friend earlier this year to pancreatic cancer -only a few mos after his diagnosis. I can tell you that he did not want to discuss his diagnosis, and was definitely more withdrawn and standoffish. This was shocking considering he had always been the life of the party.

My Aunt, who is like a second mom to us, is currently fighting ovarian cancer. In two weeks, we have rushed her 2x to the ER because she was having unbearable pain. Like your father, she does not like to discuss her condition with us. Instead, she prefers to talk about her garden, her pets, music, et al. It has been very frustrating for us; but on the other hand, this is her way of dealing. I've learned to let her talk about anything she wants; because I don't want her to dwell on the Unthinkable and be even more depressed than she already is.

Again, my heart goes out to you & your family.

Prayers & ((hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:28am

Hello again,

I wanted to post this article that someone shared with us on the Johns Hopkins Ovarian Cancer board. It deals with survival vs. quality of life, and how the children felt when they "let go" of their Mom. I hope this brings you a little comfort or perspective.

Prayers & ((hugs))

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the message that was posted on the ACOR site. It is in response to a daughter's concerns about the rapidly approaching end of her mother's life:
'As much as we want our mothers to always be with us and hope that they will someday become whole again, there comes a time when we need to weight the difference between survival and quality of life.

We did two things that we will never regret.We hired full time caregivers to be with Mom to instantly meet all of her needs.We first conferred with, then brought in hospice.Yes, the caregivers cost us a fortune but every penny was well spent.Mom grew very close to the two main caregivers and I know their presence comforted and reassured her as they allowed her to remain in her own home.

It is not easy to choose palliative or hospice care over active treatment and I'm not suggesting that this is the best course for your own mother.However, you might find some emotional comfort and support by discussing options with these very experienced and wonderful people.I highly recommend doing this before you actually need these services.

The local hospice in our area has regular meetings for caregivers and then grief counseling, as appropriate.Obviously, it is possible to begin grieving even while our loved one is still with us as we face an uncertain future and loss.

The social workers have been wonderful in easing my father's fears and helping us to find the resources we have needed during a difficult time.

Hospice was very good with pain control.Sometimes there may be a choice between complete pain relief and clarity of mind and they can help in that regard also.

Hospice provided a hospital bed, commode, walker and wheelchair and oxygen for Mom.The hospital bed made such an amazing difference in comfort and accessibility for her that I would have bought one had it not been provided.Hospice in the US is a Medicare benefit with no co-pay nor out of pocket expenditures.They provided all medications at no cost relative to the primary diagnosis.(Some hospices will pay the cost of all medications).

I can only give you our experience.There came a point when continuing treatment just became too debilitating for Mom.It was hard to accept but it became clear that active treatment would no longer provide much benefit or any disease-free time at all.We left the decision to her, of course. She chose to accept the referral to hospice.

Mom was a fighter, holding on as long as she possibly could but the disease took its course.

Having the caregivers allowed us to keep her in her home and to allow us to just be her daughters.We were still very actively involved but we left the actual physical care, hygiene, etc. to the very wonderful and professional nurse.It was clear from the start that she knew many little tips and techniques that we didn't, and that helped immensely with Mom's comfort.I believe that since we couldn't save Mom, we were able to give her the gift of the most comfortable and natural way to slip away from this life...and into Heaven.

It was a relief for all of us, beginning with Mom, to know that there would be no more ambulance rides to the ER.No more time in the hospital. Dad would receive the counseling and emotional support he needed from the social worker and chaplain.

Having recently been through this, and being involved with hospice now for Dad, I found this article from the New England Journal of Medicine to be excellent: 'Understanding Hospice:An Underutilized Option for Life's Final Chapter' by Gail Gazelle, MD.It should be listed in their archives.

There is a time to fight for every moment of life and a time to gracefully let go.It is up to each of us to decide, in our hearts, when this time will come.I learned this from watching Mom, and from some of the truly heroic and inspiring women here...beautiful spirits, all.'

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:09pm

mx3913 I feel your pain and know myself what you are going through. On April 18 (my birthday) my daddy was in the hospital and we were told that he has lung cancer. Because of his health they could not do any treatments and gave him less then a year to live. I have a 4 year old son who is not going to remember much about his papaw and it is killing me. I know my dad will be in a better place cause he is a child of God but it still hurts and makes me sooo mad at times. I feel I'm to young to loose him and the thoughts of the pain he is in makes me feel at times that I am looing it. I also know what you are talking about with your boyfriend, my husband tries to be understanding but it's not his dad going through this and just about everyday after work I go over to my parents and my hasband will make the commett "your going over there again tonight" I guess if someone is not walking in your shoes then they really don't know what you are going through and how it will change the person you are.
Stay strong!!!

suntan311

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:11am

Hello and welcome to the board.


I am so sorry your family is going through so much.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:00pm
Wow, that is what I'm dealing with too. My dad was just diagnosed in May with Colon Cancer. His is already stage 4. It has already spread to his liver and lymph nodes. I wish I had something intelligent to say, but I'm struggling with it too. I am just comforted that there is someone going through this "with me". My dad just started chemo in June and isn't feeling well. I am scared about the future. My husband and I just had our daughter last year, first baby, and it kills me that my dad may not be there to watch her grow up. I don't know how to handle my emotions. I know this sounds dumb, but I don't know what's "okay" to think about and feel and what's not. I want to be positive and encouraged, but I am also trying not to be unrealistic. I'm probably no help to you at all, but I would love to keep talking with you as we both go through this. My dad and I are very close and I hate to even imagine that he's sick. He doesn't act like it. I know how you feel, I think. Probably not exactly, but I'm confused and frightened and angry and sad. I hate this part of life and I wish I had the power to fix everything. Damn, I am sooooo angry. Your boyfriend is probably right that you've changed. How could you not? I know I have and its only been a few months since we've found out. I can understand that he wants you to be happy and upbeat, but he isn't experiencing the upheaval that you are. I think its hard for others to understand what it feels like to know your dad is sick and that your are worried and scared and angry and sad. I don't think many people have a dad as awesome and sweet and kind and great as mine and probably yours too. Crap, I am crying so much writing this. I haven't really cried that much yet. I have been pretty successful in changing the subject in my mind any time those thoughts creep in. But, right now, in trying to relate and possible help you, its really hard to hold back. I'm sorry. Anyway, its obvious to me, but I don't think anyone besides you really knows how you feel and they wouldn't unless they experienced the same thing you have. I am so sorry that they are chosing to stop treatment if it doesn't improve this month. I don't know what I would do if it were me in your position. I agree with you though, about continuing to try with other methods of treatment. With all the stuff out there, you'd think there was something else to consider. My dad has only been dealing with this for a short time, but I think he may already be ready to throw in the towel and stop treatment. He hinted to me the other day that he's depressed and that he's worried about making a big descision, which I think is about chemo. I don't know though. I don't want to lose my dad either. I wish I could tell you how to deal with this, but I don't know. I wonder if anyone does. I think its helpful to talk with others that are going through similar situations. I am so thankful that I read your message. It is comforting to know there is someone else out there dealing with the same thing, with a dad they love, just like me. I know there's a quote out there that goes, "There's strength in numbers". I don't have any advice for you, accept maybe to try to find more people going through similar situations and share your feelings with them. This is the first time I did, and I don't feel as alone in this. I don't know of any books that are written to help us daughters deal with their dads having colon cancer. Maybe we could co-author one. I'm sure this hasn't helped you at all, but, selfishly, I feel better just being able to talk to you about this. I hope I didn't make you feel worse. You have a right to feel however you can, and your family and boyfriend need to help you through it. I am going to start writing in a journal today, I decided, and I'm hoping that will be a good outlet for me. Maybe you could do something like that. It may not make things better for your dad, but at least its a private place to feel however you want and express your emotions.

Pages