Dad losing fight

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Dad losing fight
36
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:48pm

My dad is starting to lose his battle with colon cancer. He was diagnosed December of 2005, and is currently undergoing his third round of chemo. The cancer has spread to his lungs and liver. My mom just told me today that if his tests the end of this month don't show an improvement, they are going to stop treatment and just let the cancer run its course. He did well the first year of the disease, but there has definitely been a downward trend in his health and his general day to day quality of life.

I have really had a hard time dealing with this. My brother has been in Iraq for almost a year, and I have had two grand parents die this year. And just last week my boyfriend told me that he thinks I have changed as a person and hates that I am angry and sad most of the time. I feel so stressed out...I just don't know what to do.

It makes me so sad to think that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle or be around for my children. And now I feel that the end is right around the corner. I don't understand how they just give up. I don't understand how if something doesn't work, they don't try harder or try something different.

How do I deal with this? I'm not ready to lose my dad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 1:21am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:38pm

Thanks for your message. It does bring me comfort too to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing. Although I guess that sounds kind of terrible because obviously I would not want anyone else to go through this.

Just as an update, I got the news yesterday that the doctors are going to stop treatment. I haven't always been positive about this whole thing. I mean, how can you be? I've always thought the worst...until yesterday. Yesterday morning, while I was waiting for the news, I really had such a good feeling. I really thought...geez...they're going to come back and say that everything has been working and they're going to continue treatment. But of course, it didn't work out that way. Which is a huge let down.

I'm just like you in trying not to think unrealisticly. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but when my dad was first diagnosed, my parents sort of made it feel like it was no big deal. Like...here it is, we'll go through chemo...and it will be over. I really just found out in January how bad things were. And I guess that's when my attitude changed. I worried more and stopped thinking that things were just going to be over. I realized that cancer was going to be the thing that killed my dad. That he was never going to recover. But I'll tell you, I still have those crazy/wonderful thoughts where the doctors come back and say that everything's just disappeared and gone. Thoughts where my dad will walk me down the aisle and will get to meet his grandchildren. Even though in my brain, I know that will never happen.

It still makes me angry. And I think in this day in age where divorce is so common and a lot of people don't grow up to really know their dad, it's really hard for them to understand what you're going through. My boyfriend has been estranged from his dad for years. He has a very close relationship with this mother, but still, he can't understand what I'm feeling. I'll be the first to admit that I've had the "Why me" thoughts. When my BF was telling me that I've become angry I said "damn right I'm angry. Why me, why my dad. Why not your dad." And it's not that I really mean that. Cancer, sickness, or death is not anything I would wish on anyone. But I think that's what makes me the most angry. Wondering what I've done to deserve this, what my dad has done to deserve this. When there are so many other bad people out in the world who do so many things to hurt other people, but will probably go on to live forever.

Ahh, and now I'm rambling on. I'm giving you a big virtual hug. I know you are hurting. So keep coming back here. I know I will. For me, this is easier than dealing with my friends face to face. These people know at least some part of what you're going through. My friends love me, I know that. But it's just so hard for me to deal face to face or even over the phone than it is for me to just write. Maybe I'll start a journal, too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Let me know how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi - my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer (with mets to the liver and lungs) in August 2006. This was after MONTHS of misdiagnosis. I was with her when she received the news and it was AWFUL. She, however, was calm and graceful. I remember how I cried so much the first couple of weeks. (She has an inlaw suite here with us and I just couldn't look at her without tears.) She had surgery in Sept. 2006 to remove the mass from her colon and started chemo in Nov. Very rough on her. Hospitalized twice. Side effects from chemo? You name it, she had them. I even posted on here about how awful it was...

Still, she persevered, mostly because of us (her children), I think. There were many times I know she questioned her decision to do the chemo. Finally, she finished her first round in Spring 2007. We fully expected for her to continue "maintenance" chemo. But, her oncologist recommended that she have a vacation from it, because he said that studies in Europe had shown that those who do the mini-vacations do just as well as those who have continuous chemo. He said she really needed a break - all her blood counts were low (had to receive platelets at one point), she was weak, and she had neuropathy in her hands, legs and feet from one of the chemo drugs.

The timing of the break was great because my 2 sisters and I had planned a cruise for "mom and the girls." I've heard it's very important for cancer patients to have something to look forward to...so we talked about this cruise many times, shopped for it, etc. The four of us went on the cruise in late May (Mom also experienced her first airplane trip.) ALL of us had a fantastic time. She was still weak, but we just worked around it. You can do anything you want, or nothing at all, on a cruise!

Since her chemo started, she has had 2 CT scans. Both have shown no change in the spots on her liver/lungs. At first I thought that was "bad," but quickly realized that no change means NO GROWTH. Also, the doc said the spots they saw could be dead tissue (he said there's no way to know without "going in," which he doesn't want to do.)

Her last check-up was August 9 and her dr. wants to continue the vacation. When I get down about it, my thoughts race and I wonder if he thinks that her time is short and she might as well have better quality. BUT, he has said there as MANY drugs to use when fighting metastatic cancer. One of the men who took chemo the same time as my mom had rec'd his diagnosis of Stage 4 colon cancer three years ago. He went one whole year w/o chemo. His chemo now is maintenance and his only side effect is fatigue.

We take one day at a time now. Sometimees I get really down. My mom says she doesn't even think about her cancer.

I read about one man who, at age 68, was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and told he had 4-6 months to live. That was 10 years ago. I sent an email to him to inquire about a book he had written (hoping and praying that he was still around) and, lo and behold, he emailed me back! His name is Robert Vandegrift if you want go "google" him.

Oh....we've planned another cruise in mid-December...trying to be optimistic!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:49pm

Hi,

Not the person you're posting to ;), but was it the doctor's decision or your dad's decision to stop treatment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:12pm

It was the doctor's decision. This was the third round of chemo he's been through. We've known for quite some time that the chemo was never going to stop the cancer. We also knew that the cancer was never going to shrink enough for surgery. Our only hope of the chemo was to slow the cancer down and prolong life. And I guess it's gotten to the point now that nothing is really working to do that.

Why do you ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:40pm

Hi - I don't know if you read my other post, but my mom has colon cancer w/mets to the liver and lungs. It was diagnosed in late August 2007 after MONTHS of ER trips, FOUR (yes, FOUR) CT scans, numerous doctor visits, etc. By the time they "found" it, it was Stage 4. She has had one round of chemo (after colon surgery to remove the mass) and is currently "on break." to regain her strength.

I ask because her diagnosis was my first "real" encounter with cancer. My dad had lung cancer, but he was diagnosed in Jan. 1995 and died April 1995 of a heart attack and his cancer never bothered him.

I'm interested not only because I don't know if there is a natural "course" to this disease (once it reaches Stage 4), but because I didn't know if there iss a point where doctors "give up." Or, does it depend on the doctor involved? My mom's oncologist is very encouraging (sometimes to the point where I think he's unrealistic, even though he's very well respected andstarted his own clinic over 20 years ago.). But, once we met with one of the other doc's in the group and he was so blunt that I felt hopeless. THey have described her treatment as "palliative," not "curable."

I'm trying to stay positive, because I know that it's not good for my mom, me, or anyone else for me to be so depressed.

I'm sorry for all you and your family are going through....I don't think anyone who hasn't been where we are understands at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 3:35pm

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I don't know a lot about the courses cancer will take. And I don't think any two experiences are the same. But I'll certainly tell you my thoughts.

I know it may sound weird and probably frustrating that it took so long to find that she did have cancer. And let's be honest, probably worse since it turned out to be at such a late stage. You'd probably think it would have been easier to diagnose since it was so threatening. I do think it's a good sign that they were able to do surgery. Surgery was never an option with my father. Again, I don't know the specifics - but it was something with it being too much and my father's body not being able to handle and recover from the surgery.

Doctor's all have their own "bedside manner." Sometimes we confuse what the doctors are "encouraging" about. I think I used to misunderstand that to mean recovery. Now I realize that maybe they were being positive about prolonging his quality of life. Which has been sort of good. And my father contributes that to his positive attitude. He definitley has not let it overcome him. And I think that is tremendously important.

Hearing the word "palliative" care is obviously scary and not preferred. In a sense, I think the doctors do give up. I'm not saying that they shouldn't. I don't want them to. I would love for them to keep treating my father and eventually cure him. But I've put trust in my father's doctor, and as I have not attended medical school, I'm sure he knows more than I do. I think it just gets to a point where treatment will not help. And chemotherapy is a diffucult thing on the body. So you get to the point where you have to decide between continuing a very difficult treatment that may prolong life for another 2 months, meanwhile you don't have energy, feel terrible, etc. - or choosing to give up...and live out the rest of your time feeling the best you can, not being held back by treatment sessions and such.

Almost everyone on here has ideas of things you should do or how you should interact with your mom. All of those are great and we all know we should do them. I don't know your relationship with your mother. Maybe she wants to be all sappy - sorry, for lack of a better word. My dad doesn't. We don't really talk about the disease. We don't really reminisce on the good ol' days. We enjoy the day we have together today. I can't tell you if I'm going to regret that down the road. But I can tell you that I'm not going to regret giving my father exactly what he wanted during his last months - not to think about the disease. Sometimes it's frustrating how "disconnected" my father is. He doesn't even ask his doctors about life expectancy and things like that. Although it's very frustrating to me, it's not my life. It is happening to mine, too. But those things aren't my final decision. I know only talking about those things would upset my father. And I don't want to do that. There are probably a lot of people on this board that would call me a fool. And so be it.

So my advice to you is...do what works for your mom. If your mom wants to talk about the great things you've done in the past, then do it - even if it's hard for you. If your mom wants to spend quality time with you just enjoying the present, then do it - even if that's hard for you. But keep your mom motivated and positive. I'm telling you, my dad has remarkably remained positive throughout this whole ordeal. And he'll tell you that he thinks that's so important. He says he's known other people with cancer who just get so negative, and he's seen their quality of life just go down.

Hang in there. And make sure you have a good outlet to go to to unwind and cry and talk and everything. Even if it's just on here. I've said it a million times, but it's easier for me to come here than go to a friend. It's hard not to get depressed. And you'll have bad days. But just stay aware of that and keep an eye on yourself, too. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
In reply to: mx3913
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 7:24pm

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I do appreciate it very much.

I need to make a correction to my post - my mom was diagnosed in August 2006, NOT 2007.

We don't talk much about "cancer." I have to admit it's awkward when we're watching TV and we hear about someone diagnosed, dying from, etc., from colon cancer. We watched the Tammy Faye interview with Larry King. Mom's choice. She has a separate apartment (still attached to our home....my boys run in and out of there all the time) and I saw her watching it and I didn't want her to watch it alone. I stuffed negative thoughts back in my head and just watched it pretending that my mom had never been diagnosed with cancer.

Your dad and my mom are similar in that they both are handling their disease well. Maybe once you get older and your kids are grown, it's easier. We all know we're not going to live forever. The other day when the news that Billy Graham was in the hospital came on, she (my mom) made the remark that he probably wasn't frightened at the though of dying since he would be joining his wife again. Maybe she thinks that way about my dad (he died in 1995.) But, she has told me more than once that she thinks she'll be "okay." Not sure what her definition of "okay" is though....

Thanks again for your kind post. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

Oh, and I can understand why your dad doesn't ask the doctor how long he has....it's like giving him an expiration date. Too final and too stark. And, as we've all been told hundreds of times, the doctors really don't know for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 11:39am
My mom lost her battle with colon cancer July 19, 2007, (my daughter's 21st birthday), I don't think you can ever prepare for such a loss, hang in there, try not to think about the end but live each day and be grateful for it. I visited my mom every day, and it meant allot to her and when she did pass I had no regrets other than wishing I had one more day. My mom agressively fought colon cancer for the last four years of her life. I often wished she would stop the chemo so she would be well enough to visit more with us, she was always so sick and could not leave home for long periods of time. I really miss her. I visit her grave about twice a week and talk to her, and cry often. I too was very angry during this period of watching her suffer. (She is at peace now, she was so tired) Her passing was very peacful, which helped me to deal with the loss, she just fell asleep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
In reply to: mx3913
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 11:44am

My dad lost his fight this past May. He was diagnosed just last August. His prognosis at that time was 3 months, but he fought it for 9.

I can understand the feelings of frustration and helplessness you are feeling now. I dealt with it by spending as much quality time with my dad in person and on the phone as I could; which wasn't easy to do considering he was a Canadian residing in the Philippines and I was in Toronto. Accepting that his time with us was coming to end and just making the most of what time we had really helped to get me through those times. After he passed, I then felt I had no regrets about how he spent his last days.

And that is my advice to you. Make sure you do what you can to make his remaining time with you as rewarding as they can be, even if it is doing simple things. Otherwise, you may have regrets later about things you didn't do.