Need some advice ...

Avatar for keke0116
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need some advice ...
3
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 9:22pm

Well, I've posted on ivillage forever, led a board for a long time, and have strayed for the past year ... and find myself back, full circle (but different board.) I'm not sure what to do and could use some advice from people 'in the know.' After a 16 year marriage, I (finally) divorced in March of this year. Although this was sad, the truth is that I was unhappy and felt like my marriage was over for a long time, so the finality was more of a beginning for me. I felt neglected in my marriage, taken for granted, the usual ... and after finalizing the divorce, really felt it would be a long time (if ever) before I allowed myself to feel anything that intensely about anyone again.

But fate has a way of intervening in life and plans, and I re-connected with someone I've known for years ... someone that was a 'friend' (as in he used to coach my son's baseball team, and we'd run into each other and always get along, etc.) His wife (of 20 years) told him (New Years Day 2007) that she wanted a divorce, and he was not only blind-sided but he was heart broken. Saw him in May, and found out he had been diagnosed with lung cancer; prognosis wasn't good. Ran into him once over the summer (at a softball tournament) ... and got his phone number so that I could touch base and check in from time to time.

About 2 weeks ago, I called him. We chatted on the phone for awhile, then he came over and we spent about 4 hours sitting outside and talking about everything ... swapping war stories and all that. (Cancer spread and is now in his intestines, stomach, and liver. He was scheduled for surgery this week but was postponed because of an infection in his lungs ... they were supposed to remove part of his stomach, intestines, and liver.)

Problem is, I'm finding myself really drawn to this man ... I've always liked him a lot, and I'm sure it's fate that's brought us together ... but I am scared to death. At this point, doctors are giving him 18 months to live.

He says he's falling in love with me. I think that he's scared, and to be alone through such a difficult ordeal has to be about as lonely as it gets, and to have someone who's reached out to him in a caring way may be misinterpretted. But, I also find myself drawn to him ... and honestly am trying to be sure that I am attracted to 'the man' and not the feeling of being needed.

I have 2 kids ... 11 y.o. girl, 15 y.o. boy ... they don't know there is any 'involvement' at this point, but they've known (and liked and trusted and respected) this man as well, for several years.

I don't see a whole lot of 'hope' for a future ... although I'm not pessimistic; if anyone can beat this disease its Mike. But I'm scared ... I've done well (I thought) to build a protective shield around myself, and now I come to find out that I'm "Little Pig #1" who foolishly built her house out of straw ... and it's all falling down around me. Not only have I allowed someone to penetrate that wall, but its someone who will ultimately (albeit unintentionally) break my heart. And, I risk my kids being hurt as well.

So, what do I do? I hear "Run like the wind, Bullseye ..." in the background ... but that's really not 'me' ... I'm not one to run and hide, and I most definitely do NOT turn my back on a friend. But, I also (finally) broke free from an unhappy marriage and was looking forward to some time alone ... without strings and attachments; just to be a mom and be with my kids ... as well as alone, by myself, to reconnect with who I am.

I believe you always have to have 'hope' no matter how bleak. I also believe in the saying "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" ... and I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to spend time with a truly amazing person just because the time with him will be limited.

Needless to say, I'm petrified ... and just looking for some advice; words of wisdom ...

Thank you.

(((HUGS)))
Nancy

Nancy 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 8:39pm

Hi Nancy


Welcome back to iVillage.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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Avatar for keke0116
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 5:29am

Thank you for your input. I actually had decided to jump in with both feet ... eyes wide opened. Realized that I would rather have SOME happiness in my life ... a brief time with an amazing person who I truly care about and who cares about me, rather than a lifetime of co-existing with someone just to avoid being alone. Its been a bit whirlwind, but its like we fell in love instantly. Perhaps because we both realized that we don't have a lot of time, everything has to be more. And with him, it was. But last weekend, they found another tumor, this time next to his brain. After spending a night in the hospital, he came to my house (after sort of pushing me away for most of the week, feeling he shouldn't be dragging me down with him) ... and he said "I don't know if I have 2 days, or 2 weeks, or 2 months; what I do know is that whatever time I have left, I want to spend it with you." Most romantic thing I've ever heard, and I realized how madly in love I was.

And then he disappeared from my life ... he's still alive (to the best of my knowledge) ... but I'm not sure what happened. We spoke on the phone and sent text messages that night ... and intermittent during the week, although I felt he was pushing me away. I realize he has a lot of things going on at work that he needs to handle, so I gave him some space last week ... knowing that the weekend (long, Labor Day weekend) was OURS ... my kids were with their dad, and we had planned on spending the entire weekend together. But it never happened. He blew me off Fri night, and I was very hurt and confused ... and a bit angry. Spoke to his best friend the following day to find out what was going on, and she told me that he was pushing me away ... pushing everyone away but me most of all ... felt he was wrong to have gotten involved with me to begin with. Things are far worse than he thought ... and he likely was in denial for a long time ... but the tumor by his brain, the fact that last week his doctor fired him as a patient (gastro guy ... decided he didn't want to do the surgery because he thought it was too far gone) ... people seeing him that haven't seen him in awhile and commenting on the weight loss (70 pounds since beginning of year) ... all hit him, and he is realizing that he isn't going to fight (or win) this battle, his days are limited ... he realized he was dying, probably for the first time ... and instead of letting me be there for/with him, he has shoved me aside. He won't return my calls, my text messages, my emails. He has shut me out entirely. I don't know exactly where he's living (that's a long story) ... I do know where he works, and I know where his daughter plays softball ... and as tempted as I am to just 'show up' and get in his face and not allow him to do this to me, I know that's wrong.

His dying wish seems to want me out of his life ... and I know he doesn't mean it as horribly and hurtful as that sounds ... I know he believes he is being unselfish, and gallant, and chivalrous ... and macho ... I know he believes he is doing this FOR me (instead of TO me) ... and I am trying to honor and respect that ...

But he did it without so much as an explanation or a good-bye ... no contact, no closure. After constant communication 24/7 (phone and text) as well as spending time together, he has just completely shut me out of his life ... and never in my life have I known or experienced such raw pain. And, I know this is not about me ... its about him ... and he has to handle things the way he feels is best for him (and his kids, and his family) ...

I have no regrets. It was short-lived ... barely a month ... but it was a month that taught me a lot about myself. I just miss him so bad ... and the hard part is that his death will not be his choice; I knew he would be leaving me and didn't want to. This was his choice ... his decision. That part, I don't think I'll ever understand ...

Nancy 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 3:26am

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Hello Nancy


I reallly don't know why people push the loved ones away.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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