I let Mom down
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| Sat, 08-25-2007 - 1:17pm |
Hi, there. First, I just wanted to say to all of you that I have recently been in conversation with that it has really helped me so very much to come here and read what you all have to say. It is very comforting to share the same thoughts and fears and emotions. I have never met any of you, but I almost feel like we're friends. I hope that's not creepy to anybody.
Yesterday, I screwed up. Bad. I have to tell you this part first, though.
For those of you that don't know, my dad was diagnosed in May with Stage 4 Colon Cancer that has spread to his liver and lymph nodes.
A couple weeks after we found out about Dad's cancer and they removed the tumor and everything, we all went to a hospital/university that has a special cancer institute. We met with a cancer specialist who reviewed Dad's test results. In that visit, we were encouraged that although his cancer wasn't cureable, it was "treatable". I guess that meant that it wouldn't go away, but we could still enjoy our life with Dad and so could he. After visiting with that doctor, I think we all came away from that visit with a peaceful feeling that everything was going to be okay and that we had no reason to think Dad would be leaving any time soon. Everything was roses and daisies, with a couple yellow caution lights here and there. I was so relieved that he wouldn't have radiation treatment and that after 6 months of chemo, everything would be fine. But, this only lasted a little while before I started thinking I could be setting myself up for a huge dissapointment if something actually doesn't turn out perfect. It took me a really long time to decide if I wanted to ask the unaskable. On one hand, I was really enjoying the happiness of thinking all would be well and there was no need to make a big deal of anything. No more special visits to "just hang out", since he wasn't going anywhere anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love, love, love spending time with my parents. I just didn't want Dad to maybe catch on and see that we were trying to squeeze in random planned visits with him as much as possible. But, on the other hand, I started thinking that it could be dangerous to be this naieve and blind to the possibility of a different outcome. I pondered forever and finally decided to email Dad's doctor and ask if there was anyway for him to give me a ball park idea of how long I could expect to have my dad. I didn't want to know, but I had to be more realistic so I didn't get blind-sided if something did go wrong. I don't really know if it was the right descision, but I did it anyway. The doctor emailed me back and said, "Ball park, 2 years." Since then, I haven't really been able to get that number out of my mind. I am glad that I have that though, because I waste no opportunity to tell someone I love them, or call Dad just to chat while I'm at the grocery store. I think it put things in better perspective for me. He may be with us for another 40 years and that would be a dream come true. If not, I am making every day count.
Well, I wrote about this in my journal the other day and Mom stopped by. I was so excited to show her my new journal that I had started. How soft the cover was and how it was the perfect color of lavender. I think Mom took that as an invitation that I wanted her to read it. I didn't mind at all, though. So, she started reading. She came to the part where I wrote about the 2 years and she said, "I didn't know that". She was under the same impression I was, that there was no rush to fit in all the hugs and memories that we could. I BLEW IT FOR HER. Now, she is stuck with the image of that number in her mind too. She didn't need that. She didn't deserve it and now I feel terrible. I can't believe I was so careless and irresponsible. I didn't even think about it when she was skimming the pages. So, now, I am the one who placed the "expiration date" on my mom's mind. Some awesome daughter I am. I have never wanted to turn back time more than I did yesterday. Ever. She says she's "fine" but she's not kidding anybody. I wish there was some way to fix that stupid mistake, but I can't think of any. I was doing so much better this week too and now I feel like I've totally back peddaled.
Anyway, sorry this is so long. I get carried away. Has anyone else screwed up like this before??

Hi
Oh gosh don't beat yourself up about this.
Oh, please don't feel bad!!! I know you feel like it was your fault, but it wasn't. You certainly did not give him cancer. And that's the only reason this is an issue. I'm sure your mom isn't upset with you, so don't be hard on yourself. In situations like this, family's most important.
I do have to say that I'm glad you asked the doctor for the "expectations." My dad did not because he didn't want to know. I kept telling my mom that I really hoped the doctors would override that when it got close. And that's exactly what they did. They just blurted out that my dad had about 3 months on Wednesday.
I'm glad that finding the news changed you for the better. Take this time to spend all the time you want with your dad. I used to be worried too that he'd notice I was visiting more. And now that his time is looking very small, I'm glad I did all that anyway.
Go easy on yourself. This is a tough time for everyone involved. And your mom is strong. Probably stronger than you would have imagined.
And I'm glad you started your journal! I should probably get one, too.
Hang in there!
I wouldn't beat yourself up for two reasons.