I'm being selfish?
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| Sun, 09-02-2007 - 10:21pm |
Something my Mom told me tonight really upset me and I just wanted some input on it.
A little background. In Dec 2005 my Mom was diagnosed with DCIS breast cancer - stage 3 or 4. She had two options, radiation or mastectomy. Her cancer was contained within her milk ducts, so in truth it was a better cancer to fight. She opted for a mastectomy and all was said in done in Jan 2006. Since then she has lived in fear of what might come next...so she decided that this year - actually next week (Sept 10) she was going under the knife again to have her right - as far as she knows cancer free - breast removed as a precautionary measure. I support her because why "wait" for cancer to come again, why not have it done before it could get to that point.
So we were talking tonight and she says to me "Once I have my breast removed and its bioposied and shows that I don't have cancer I will then start the divorce proceedings with your stepfather" (this is a whole nother story I don't want to get into but just so that this makes sense) and then she's like "but if it is cancer, then I won't have to worry about divorcing him...I will just die and it will all be said and done" This devestated me. I'm like "Mom what are you talking about?!?...they said 99% you don't have cancer, this is being done as a precation, and they have chemo/radiation to make you cancer free" and she's like "Oh no, I would never do that, if I cannot have it surgically removed then that will be the end for me, I would then want to die" and I said "Your being selfish to the living that loves you and wants you to be here with us" and she's like "No YOUR being selfish for making me suffer and not letting me die"
Then all casually she's like "love you and I'll see you tomorrow" like the conversation we had was nothing at all. WHAT?
I love my Mom with all my heart. We are close (BTW I am 30 and she's 54) but how can she say that to me? Does she just expect me to let her sit back and die? I mean of course I am on my own and don't need her financially or for a roof over my head, but just because I'm an adult doesn't mean she can "move on" now! Let alone tell me this just days before her surgery - in which I am chaffeuring her around to since her and my stepdad are on the verge of divorce.
What hurts too is she's on Zoloft for depression. Obviously after having cancer - etc she's been depressed, but while the Zoloft has mellowed her and I've noticed a HUGE change in her for the better - at the same time its made her care - less, and she talks about death like its nothing and its like her heart has grown cold. Well I'm sorry but I'm still alive and have feelings not controled by subtances overhere!
I want to talk to her, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall. How can I get through to her that she cannot give up, many women (and men) have been though this and live healthy lives today..she's just so bitter and such. I always told her not to be a victim to this disease (mentally) but now I find myself feeling like one and treating her like one and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening/reading
Jenny


Hello Jenny
I am so sorry both you and Mom are going through so much.