Scared, overwhelmed, dad +cancer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Scared, overwhelmed, dad +cancer
54
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:17am
Hi, i was browsing the net looking for anyone or anywhere where i can find information and support. I'm feeling soooo overwhelmed. My dad has pancreatic cancer, diagnosed in June, they can't operate. When he got the initial diagnosis it seems like my world stopped. I just can't stop thinking about it, and for the first little while spent most of my time in a daze or crying. Now that some time has passed, i'm trying not to think about it but my dad's dramatic weight loss and overall depressed mood is a constant reminder that he has cancer. I've done everything in my power to help out my parents. Cutting the grass, making dinners, just calling and listening but it just doesn't seem like enough to me. I don't know what more i can do to help. I know nothing i do will make this go away, but i'm sooo sad. Dad started his first round of chemo yesterday and he went off to work(he owns his own business)..now i worry about him. He doesn't like to be 'cared' for , but i worry he is going to push himself too far. He looked weak and frail before the chemo, i worry if he even has it in him to make it through it. Mom is worried, and didn't want him to start chemo as he was doing fairly well without it. His appetite was pretty good,and like i mentioned he was carrying on with daily activities. We just don't know what to expect. Is he going to suddenly start to feel horrible due to the chemo or is there a possibility he will feel fine? Dad had a good night sleep, woke in the middle of the night to take his anti nausea med and went back to bed. Ate a fair breakfast and off he went to work. I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night, my mind is racing, and my thoughts throughout the day are consumed with dad. My parents don't want us to tell anyone, adding to my stress because i can't talk about it with friends. Putting on a happy face around them, i feel so phoney. My DH has been great but i feel bad dumping on him all the time. I feel like i'm in a nightmare, i just want to wake up and it all be better. I just needed to vent, so thank you for having a forum here where i can 'let it all out'. Does anyone know of any 'chat's online that focus on pancreatic cancer? I've yet to find any.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:05am

Hello Suzanne


I will try to answer this one more time.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:28am
Philly, thank you for taking the time to type the answer out twice. It is sooo appreciated. Well after lunch yesterday i stopped over to see how mom was doing and dad was home already. He was feeling bad and decided to come home early. He was laying on the couch sleeping. He says he just feels,'blah". Well, I just spent some time talking with mom and let dad sleep. She says he is complaining about just feeling poorly, and that his shoulders hurt. I didn't stay long as i could see mom needed a rest too. This is all taking a toll on her as well.
I called her this morning as dad has another CT scan today. She said she was able to take him by herself, but he was still sleeping and she wasn't sure if he would be up for going since he was up most of the night. My mom woke him around 1:00am for his anti nausea med and then he was up after that. He said he is feeling sick to his stomach, but hasn't vomitted. He also went and took some pain medication as he is hurting, but he doesn't really say where. MOm is frustrated because dad pushes her away and doesn't talk about how he is feeling. He did say to her, "this is not worth it". So i don't know if he will decide to stop chemo and live as he was before. He's got to be feeling pretty bad, but dad is so independant and doesn't let us care for him. I told mom i would make her some dinner tonight so that she has something healthy to eat, and maybe it will spur dad's appetite. Mom accepted the offer. She has to be careful too since she has diabetes. I want to make sure she is taking care of herself too.
Dad's attitude has fluctuated throughout all of this. Mom says he has been very depressed for months, even before his diagnosis...but now it's worse. But we find when the 'kids' are around his spirits are much better. So we visit often. It's hard for me to keep a positive face on since all i want to do is hold him and cry. But I haven't done this as mom says we have to stay strong for him. Even mom, is very straight faced..i've yet to see her cry. Even when i shed a quick tear in front of her, she shows no emotion. I know she's got to be worried.
Thank you for the links i will check them out. It helps talking about it all. Thanks for taking the time to answer me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:55pm

Hello Suzanne


I have to admit that I haven't had chemo but from what everyone on the board says it does make you tired and sick.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:52pm

Philly, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I'm so happy to hear it wasn't cancer for you. I can't even imagine what it's like going through everything you have been through.
Dad went into work for a short while this morning and returned while i was visiting mom/cutting the grass. He seemed ok i guess, but very tired. I started talking to him and trying to get a feel for how he's feeling overall, and that back fired BIG TIME. At one point in our conversation he just raised his voice and in a sarcastic mannar said, "your right Suzanne. That's what i should do!". I felt horrible to say the least. I immediately said, "Dad, it's not about me being right, I'm just trying to help you through this". He just looked back down at his paper and tuned me out. I dunno what i said that angered him so much. I almost burst into tears. I'm normally a very sensitive person and lately that has been magnified ten fold. I just finished our conversation with, "I love you dad" and ended the visit shortly after. I apologized to mom for upsetting him and she said that is what he's like anytime she talks to him so she's learned not to even discuss things anymore. Well, I cried all the way home and haven't stopped since. I feel so crushed. I'm trying my hardest to help out, and honestly i wasn't trying to tell him what to do. I was just speaking from my heart. When i returned home, I called mom again and asked her to please convey to dad that my intention was not to upset him, and that i will support him with whatever he does. At no point did i tell him what he should do. She said, "i know, he's just like that all the time and doesn't want to hear anything good or bad. I asked him why he yelled, and he said", "she just kept repeating it over and over". I didn't think i was repeating anything, or being pushy or any of that. I was just sharing my feelings with him. Obviously they weren't welcome. It's frustrating for me because i would love to just to talk with him, be there for him and he shuts me out. It's been like that all my life. I think i need to stay away for a few days, my feelings are too raw right now. I feel like my heart has been stomped on.

Shortly after my dad's diagnosis, our family arranged a vacation with mom and dad. We rented a massive home and all of us stayed there. The whole weekend was fun and family. I think he enjoyed it.

Mom has told his family doc that dad is depressed and he has done nothing about it. Dad would never admit he is depressed. Dad can put on a real good show with people he doesn't see often. He will lift his moods just enough to make you think he's ok. But once your gone, the true him appears. Even if the doc gave him antidepresents I don't think he would take them. As it is he thinks everything they have given him to this point is making him feel worse ie..enzymes, anti nausea pills for chemo etc... In fact he said in the next round of chemo he may take no anti nausea pill at all. Geesh..

After all of what happened i thought to come here to see if anyone responded to my post, just looking for anything to help me through this horrible day and...your post...Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It helps talking through this. I am praying god will give me strength to get through this horrible time. Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:16pm

Hi Suzanne


Okay, you gave it a try.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 10:41am

Well, it was a very long day yesterday. The tears finally stopped in the late evening and the fatigue just overcame me. So i went to bed. My husband took care of my son this morning so that i could sleep in a bit. I'm feeling a bit better but the tears are filling my eyes when i think of it again. I think i'm going to stay away for a few days.I need to get away from all of this. I just have to gain some emotional strength before i go over there again.

Up until this point all i would do when visiting is say a basic, "how are you feeling" and then sit there in the chair beside him. Mom and i might chat as normal. Dad would just work on a word puzzle or read the paper. He has always been like this, so i shouldn't be surprized. BUT..i just want to open up our communication. I don't know how much time he has and i would love to just talk, about anything. He won't let me in, and it hurts. When talking with him yesterday, i was just trying to get a feel for what he was thinking and how i might help him. Obviously it backfired. I'm too afraid to talk anymore, so from now on i will only listen.

Maybe i am reminding him of things he can't do. I dunno. When dad first got sick i started cutting the grass to help out. My Dh would go over and do small repairs around the house. At one point i said to mom, "I don't want dad to feel like i'm taking over, does he mind that i'm doing these things?. She said, "no, he's fine with it all." Maybe he's not afterall. All the cooking for them etc.. maybe too much. But i do it not only for him but for mom. She needs the help too and is sooo very grateful for all of it because if it weren't for me she would be doing it all and it's just too much for her anymore.

It's so hard when someone you love, doesn't let you love them, take care of them in a time of need. It's so hard when all I want to do is please him, and now i've upset him. It feels like i've let him down, and that's hard to swallow. I just wanted to talk.

thank again for listening to my thoughts and all the support you've given.

Suzanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:43pm

Hi


Oh I am so sorry it has really drug you down so.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 2:40pm
Philly,
Update..Well, my DH called me this morning and said he had something to tell me. I guess my dad went into work as always (my DH works there too) and approached my DH this morning. He told DH that he was sorry that he snapped at me,that he felt bad about it and that it's just that he feels everyone has been telling him what to do and he's getting frustrated. He also said that he is so appreciative of all the things i've done for them and that he couldn't ask for a more wonderful daughter. My response when my DH told me...tears. I know this is my dad's way of apologizing, I know he knows DH would tell me. I'm relieved that he's not mad at me. I feel bad still, because i really didn't feel like i was telling him what to do, but i guess it came across like that to him. I know now to just keep my mouth shut and just hug him, tell him i love him. He will be starting is next round of chemo in a few days. I been doing a lot of praying. I visited my grandpa, and uncles gravesite this morning asking them to surround us during this hard time. Asking them to please help dad. I don't know what else to do. I was able to have a somewhat normal day yesterday,but most of the time my thoughts would return to dad. I went to the gym this morning to work off some of the stress, i feel a bit better. One day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 11:37am

Oh Suzanne, this news place a little smile on my face.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 12:38pm

Philly, you have been soooo wonderfully supportive...thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I called mom this morning, she said dad went into work. She was going to run some errands. I asked mom if it would be ok if i make them dinner tommorrow..she accepted. Dad's next round of chemo starts tomorrow (as long as the blood work is ok). I figure both will be exhausted and probably could use a warm meal. Even if dad isn't up to eating at least i know mom is getting some nutrition.

Thank you again for being there for me. This has truely taken it's toll on me.
Have a great day.

suzanne

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