Mom....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Mom....
4
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 1:00am

She has been sick for three years. She is my mom.


When I am home I take care of her. She coughs and I bring her water.


She is not hungry so I make her eat, but it doesn't always stay down.


Stage Four Inflammatory Breast Cancer.


I never dreamed it would get this bad. It is terrible. She is in so much pain all the time. She can not breathe right. She coughs and coughs. She can not get out of bed anymore.


She was sick. I cleaned up after her. I cried. I didn't want her to know though, because the last thing she needs to worry about is me. I pretended to sneeze, and said it made my eyes water.


For some reason, the things that make me the saddest lately are very small. The dishes are piled up. There is dirt in the corners. If she could get out of bed, she would never let this happen. I try to fix it but....I go to school full time...I can only get home on weekends really and....


I have been so frustrated with people lately. I try to talk about it once in a while, because it hurts. People say "Oh no, that is horrible. I am so sorry." Like robots. Then they go on with their lives and I still hurt and she still coughs and it isn't right.


My little sister and I were talking. She too is frustrated. She said that the only way people can help, is to go home and tell their moms that they love them and appreciate that their moms are there, and that they can get out of bed... and go outside and breathe.


I feel like no one can relate sometimes. People's condolences seem so artificial eventually. I am scared. I can not even begin to comprehend what is happening to my family right now.


We have stopped treating the cancer. She is too sick.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: redo3times
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 2:14am

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Hello and welcome to the board.


The one thing you won't have to worry about on this board is us not understanding.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
In reply to: redo3times
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 9:16pm

i am truly sorry to hear of your moms condition.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: redo3times
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 2:32am

I really appreciate the support. I do have a wonderful family and friends more then willing to help and support. My Aunts are comming this week. We have a hospice service that seems wonderful. Lots of people care and help.


I am lucky to have people around me. I just get frustrated, jelous even, that I deal with this everyday and my mom is in pain everyday and my siblings cry everyday.


We just found out that the cancer is no longer treatable. Hospice care started only yesterday.


We had to dicuss what she wanted in worst case situations and she cried and was so scared of how much pain she is going to be in. I didn't know I could be more heart broken about this.


I can not even begin to comprehend what we are about to go through. I am so scared of what is going to happen to her. I am going to miss her so much.


I know I need to appreciate the time I have with her now. I do. I try really hard to not dwell on what is going to happen. I spend alot of time with her but she is very out of it. She talks non sense. She is on morphine and anti anxiety drugs that knock her for a loop.


All this happened so fast.


I don't know what to tell people when they ask me about it. She doesn't really want to be around anyone but imdeiate family right now and that is so hard for her friends and extended family to understand.


It seems like for everything else there is a set way to do things, socially acceptable ways to deal with things, standrds. Not for this. I feel like no one else has ever done this before, which is obviously not true at all.


I am terrified. When I am not crying I am paniced at the thought of going numb. I am the put together one. The one who is calm and collected on the outside, and I total mess when I get a moment to myself. I am just so scared.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: redo3times
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 2:55am

Hello


It is alright to be scared.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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