My heart is broken, dad has passed away
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| Tue, 12-25-2007 - 9:38am |
Hello everyone,
It's with a very heavy heart i come here today to inform you all that dad passed away on Saturday the 22nd of December surrounded by all of his family right next to the fireplace...we got him home as he wished but God has taken him from us.
It has been an exhausting week filled with so many tears and heartbreak. I'll try my best to recall the events but really alot of it is a blur. I'm sure i will leave out some stuff but please forgive me as this is very painful to write. On Tuesday dad was so very weak in hospital, but still talking with us. He let me give him what turned out to be his last bath. That morning first thing out of his mouth was, "i want to go home". But we could tell he was not well at all. We pleaded with the nurses to arrange homecare, we wanted to take him home. We had been seriously discussing our wishes since mOnday but the hospital kept giving us the run around. By Wednesday we noticed a huge difference in his condition, he was barely communicating. They had given him so much pain control that he was overdosed on it. They administered Narcan a medication that reverses the effects of the pain medicine and he awoke again. But he was not the same. We could tell that dad was very unwell. Again we pleaded with hospital staff, please get us Hospice, anything. So we waited watching dad fail more. Our hearts aching because we know all dad wanted was to come home. On Thursday, his body was shutting down. Now his liver and kidneys were in almost complete failure. The doctor didn't think he would make the night. The hospital tells us that we can't or shouldn't take him home because there is no supportive care arranged. We can't get a hospital bed till the next day. The hospice doctors are not available to follow dad at home. We were devastated. They sent a nurse practitioner in to discourage us from taking him home. She felt we should let dad die in hospital. We were so angry at the end of that visit. We decided that the hospital had let us down too many times and this time we were going to do everything and anything possible to get dad home. We started frantically calling medical supply shops to get a bed for dad, but all kept saying you need to go through CCAC(community support). Again we were crushed. Not having nurses wasn't so much of an issue since both my sister and I are nurses, we could give dad the drugs at home. We just needed the bed and drugs. The nurses were telling us they couldn't get us the drugs either. But when my dad's doctor came in on that thursday, he said "don't worry i'll get you the drugs". My sister's SIL had contacts, she called them and begged to have them get us a bed right away. Sure enough an hour later, there was a bed at mom's house all set up waiting for dad. So now we have a bed, drugs, the nurses all we need is transport. We insisted the nurses call medical transit. Within a matter of an half an hour they were on their way to the hospital. We frantically packed up everything. We awoke dad and said, "dad we're going home. He sat up straight and said," ok lets go". We helped him dress warmly. He was soooo weak, but if you can believe it when the transit came. They tried to lift dad onto the stretcher, and he insisted he walk. He walked from his bed to the stretcher in the hall and off we went. We were all there waiting for dad at the house. When they got him settled into the bed right by the fireplace. We said, "dad welcome home". He just had the biggest smile on his face. We settled him in and turned on the tv as he always did. We knew we had succeeded. He knew he was home, and that was our goal. Get dad home while he could still tell he was home. He slept so peaceful that night. Mom and I stayed up all night at his side. The rest of the family sleeping on the floor nearby. The days from thursday till the time of dad's dead ran into each other. We were exhausted. On friday his doctor came in and couldn't believe how strong dad was. It was almost as if he were getting better not worse. He actually sat up at the bedside several times. His pain was being controlled, he actually needed very little throughout. But then on friday night he became very restless. Saturday the restlessness continued. He even insisted he get up to go to the bathroom. We helped him to the commode. We could tell he was very confused. By mid day his congestion was really bad, and he was almost too weak to cough. By mid evening his condition dramatically changed. We had a crisis but called the doctor and got dad settled again. At around 7:00pm dad passed away. All of us kissing him, holding him, telling him we love him.
During that time I prayed a lot. Mostly that dad would stay comfortable, that mom would be ok. On the last day I was praying that God take dad. Something i NEVER thought i would do. I could tell, dad was no longer there. He was so confused, i could tell he was suffering. I can't believe he is gone. I feel empty inside. We have been arranging his funeral for the last couple days. I'm so tired. The viewing is tomorrow and Thurs. Funeral Friday. We expect hundreds and hundreds to visit as dad was a big business owner in the community. All i want to do is crawl into bed and hide. I don't want to talk with anyone, but i know i must. It's going to be a hard next few days for me. We've been with mom everyday since it happened. I'm worried about her. I've been barely eating since all of this started. I completely lost my appetite. We were all together yesterday. Mom insisted dad would want us to have 'christmas dinner' as usual. So she popped in her turkey and let it cook while we were out at the cemetery, funeral home etc.. People have been so generous and thoughful bringing food for us to eat as well. So last night we let the grandkids open their presents and we had dinner together. It was painful to see dad's chair empty. I've been crying sooo much. My eyes look horrible. I feel horrible. I just want the holidays to end. Things will never be the same.
I'm sorry to be coming here of all days with such news but i knew you all were thinking of me and I you. Each and everyone of you have been so supportive throughout all of this. I feel like you are my family. I was telling my husband that yesterday. I came here for a moment to check in, but it was too painful to type the words. But I read your postings to me and they made me cry. I told my DH, ya know, the people i have meet on this board I don't even know what they look like but they have helped me more than anyone getting through this. When i promised i wouldn't tell anyone that dad had cancer it was soooo hard for me. Yet i was able to come here somewhat anonymously and spill my heart out with you all. It gave me so much relief. Without you I don't know what i would've done. So please know that I truely love you all. You have helped me through the hardest thing in my life thus far. A special thank you to Philly you have been there from day one. You are an angel sent from God. Sending all of you many hugs and much love.
I will try to visit as time allows. As you can expect things will be hectic for several days.
Before i go, i do want to wish you all a very merry christmas and happy holiday season with your loved ones. I know many of you are going through hard times as well. Embrace every moment you have with your love ones. I will continue to pray that they are restored to good health, and that you have the support you need to get through it. Hugs.
Suzanne

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Oh .. how very sorry I am for you and your family Suzanne.
May Angels Watch Over You For Me
My website of my some of the poems I have written:
http://www.geocities.com/gailbird33/<
Hi everyone,
My dad's funeral was yesterday.
Suzanne,
I am so sorry.
Hi Suz
I hope this message finds you doing just a little bit better today.
Hugs Suzanne ..
I wanted to stop in to give you a hug.
I know how difficult the holidays have been for you and I know that you will always miss you Dad.
May Angels Watch Over You For Me
My website of my some of the poems I have written:
http://www.geocities.com/gailbird33/<
Suzanne, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. My mom also lost her battle with lung cancer on December 20th, so you and I have been in much the same place emotionally over the holidays. There is never a good time to lose someone you love, but the holidays has to be the hardest. I'm sure you have seen somewhere the poem about "My first Christmas in Heaven"...someone included a copy in one of the sympathy cards we received. I keep reminding myself that mom was spending Christmas in the best possible place, and that she finally was no longer suffering. I'm sure your Dad was right there enjoying the holiday as well!
Take care.
Dana
Gail,
I've been thinking of you a lot the last few days.
Hi Philly,
I'm doing ok today.
Dana,
I am so so sorry to hear of your mom's passing.
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