Mom lost her battle with cancer on 12/20

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mom lost her battle with cancer on 12/20
2
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 3:58pm

I've mostly been lurking here, and have only posted a couple of times. But I wanted to stop by and share that my mom passed away on December 20th from lung cancer/COPD. She as able to spend Christmas in the best possible place. I'd like to share as much of the story as I can remember (though I'm sure I won't be very eloquent...).


I should first mention that I live in IA, and Mom lived in ND. We were planning to head up there on Sunday, Dec. 23rd for the holiday. Mom called me on Wednesday, Dec. 19th at about 9:30 PM asking questions about Christmas. She was annoyed with me that I hadn't talked to my IL's about coming over to her place on Christmas day.  She just wasn't feeling strong enough to trek over to their place in the cold. I told her I was sure they would come, but that I would email my MIL the next day. I also told her not to worry about food, etc., and that we'd take care of it. The whole conversation probably lasted 5 minutes.


The next morning I was getting DD off to school--DS had gotten sick right after breakfast, so I had called the gym to say I wouldn't be in to work that morning. At 8:15 AM my brother called to tell me that mom had died. Her hospice aide had found her when she arrived at about 7:50 AM. They think she had a pulmonary embolism--she had coughed up a significant amount of blood. They think she probably died around 10:00 the night before. It makes me sick to think that she was alone and probably very scared when she died on the dining room floor with the phone in her hand. Although she was very accepting of her fate and was ready to go, we all would have much preferred for her to be comfortably asleep when it happened. I'm just very grateful that my brother was not the one to have to find her. He did go right over there when hospice called him, and did see mom where she lay (they had cleaned up a bit and I think put a blanket over her before he got there), and stayed until shortly after the funeral home came and took her.


I immediately called DH at work and tried to figure out how to get up there quickly. I had told him I would go alone and he could bring the kids up on Sunday, but he didn't want me driving alone. DD was at school, DS was sick, and our van was in the shop. DH came home within an hour or so, and got the shop to finish the van quickly. We packed up as qiuckly as we could (packing for a Chrismtas trip at the last minute is not easy!), and were on the road my 1:00. We got to my IL's at about 9:00 Thursday night.


Friday morning I met my brother at my mom's apartment...that was tough. There was a blanket on the floor covering the spot where she had died. We went over to the funeral home to start planning things. After we met with the funeral director for awhile, they took us into a private room to see her. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I really didn't know how I would react--mom and I have had a pretty strained relationship for years. It was much harder than I expected. For much of the day (and during the drive up to ND, and the next couple days) I felt sick to my stomach.


Since it was the week of Christmas, we decided to wait to hold the funeral until Dec. 27th. But every day before that we were busy with making arrangements, and worst, cleaning out mom's apartment. After that first day my brother was basically useless in that regard--he was having a much harder time dealing with it than I was. He was the one who had been there helping mom the past few months--for the past month or so he had been going over there after work most nights and making her dinner since she didn't have the strength to do it herself. So for him, being in the apartment was too difficult. So my DH and I were over there every day (except Christmas eve) clearing it out. We got a storage unit for the stuff we didn't have time to go through. Thankfully my dad came up on Christmas eve and was a HUGE help (he and mom had been divorced for 17 years, but he was there for us). I wish we could have taken our time in dealing with the apt., but it had to be done before DH and I left for home the day after the funeral. So even after the funeral on Thursday we were over there from 1:30-8:30 finishing stuff up. We donated almost everything she owned. Mom had no life insurance and no assets to speak of, so dealing with all the outstanding bills could get interesting. DH and I get to take care of all that now...


I feel like I really have not had time to grieve yet, as I had to jump right into action as soon as I got there. Once things calm down I'm sure it will all hit me. I've spoken to my mom's best friend a few times, and she told me that my mom pretty much knew she wouldn't be here for Christmas. Though she never said it to either my brother or me, I feel that she did know. When we got home and I was going through the mail that came while we were gone, I came across the Christmas cards she had sent to my kids--she mailed them the day before she died. In them, there was no, "can't wait to see you"...instead it just said "hope you have a fun Christmas", and "Merry Christmas"...I didn't give the cards to the kids, as it would just confuse them (they are 4 & 6), but I will keep them for when they are grown.


dana4.gif image by dlhawken


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 1:49am

((((((((((((Dana)))))))))))))))))


I am so sorry that you Mom passed.

Hope everyone has a great Summer!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 5:43pm

Dana, I am so sorry for your loss.

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