Probably one of the more unusual stories
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| Wed, 02-06-2008 - 11:19pm |
I need to introduce myself properly. :-) I'm Soonee, from the DFW area of Texas, with DD-10 and DS-13. I may have one of the more unusual stories you've seen. ??
My Ex had nowhere to go when he was suddenly diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer about 2 1/2 years ago, so he was released from the hospital into my junk-room-turned recovery-room at 3:00-am the night before. Phew! His was an aggressive, pervasive cancer, and the odds of him being one of the 3% to make it past 18 months frankly didn't look good.
But, God looked out for us, and he's still with us 2 1/2 years later. He's not in very good shape - at all - but he's still with us. Literally. He still lives in that room. It's a bit of a strain having your Ex live with you (I mean, people get divorced for a reason!) but we hold it together so he can have more time with the kids, and so I can be there in case of an emergency.
I always think we're down to our last options, then God has something else up His sleeve, but this time, I think the sleeves are empty. Further surgery is out because all his vasculature has been removed that can be removed (and still survive), and he still hasn't healed from a surgery over a year ago.
Traditional chemo didn't work - at all - and a round of the nastiest, most horrible experimental chemo didn't work either. The previous study with these drugs was halted because too many people died on it. (Seriously, the mortality rate was significantly higher for those undergoing treatment!) Since his cancer has survived two types of chemo, he's an unattractive patient for any other clinical trials. The cancer is in his colon, lungs, liver, lymph, and thyroid. At this point, there's nothing to do but let it take its course.
He's doing the best he can to keep his center, but Cancer likes to torture its victims before it kills, so he's miserable. He feels miserable, and he's often miserable to be around. It's up to me to be the Bright Spot, but let me tell you..... many days I don't have any Sunshine left to spread around.
I have two complaints I'm hoping you can either validate or help me with.
First, I've never met an oncologist yet who will tell you the whole, complete story. I genuinely feel that this onc office deliberately withheld how nasty the experimental chemo could be - Google was our only source of solid info and if we could find the study results, why didn't the onc? Many of them are permanent, like decreased memory, concentration, and brain function. (That's the worst!) And, I've never met a cancer patient who lives their oncologist! We all seem to have the same complaint: we get platitudes, not information.
Next, I think more is being asked of me that I ever signed up for. People are calling me a martyr, and I hate it, but the label sticks. I keep checking, but my Free Pass hasn't arrived in the mail, so the only way through this is.... through it.
I am beginning to feel worn out and resentful, just when I know the harder/est times are ahead. I want to stomp my feet and say "No Fair!" and "When is it my turn"? My interests flew out the window so I could change bandages 2 x a day. Sometimes very involved with his care, other days I'm not, but it's nothing I can plan on. And honestly, the whole thing is just so draining! Most of what I had a hard time living with when we were married is still there. For example, he's an insufferable Control Freak, and a Control Freak in pain is truly hard to be around. I'm seeing myself shrink back in the inconsequential nothing I became while we were married, just to get along.
I haven't dated in over 2 1/2 years, and I see myself getting older, and the candidate pool shrinking. The stress has steadily added pounds (the doctor said bodies react to stress by becoming very efficient in storing fat, and mine sure has! ) and my face has aged remarkably in the past few years.
I've been divorced for 8 years. What about my future? I'd like my kids to finish growing up with a healthy husband-wife scenario. The one they're in is, you have to admit, a little weird.
So, I'm battling with resentment, and a little depression. I have tools for the depression, but what about resentment?
Thanks for letting me vent!
Soonee

You certainly deserve a gold star.
Hi, sending you lots of prayers and positive thoughts to get thru this difficult time. You are doing a wonderful thing.
Edited 2/9/2008 8:57 am ET by themamas
"....the finish line is in sight, hang in there."
I know your post was not addressed to me, but this is a public forum and your comments are read by all on this board.
I'll edit that right now...
Edited 2/9/2008 8:56 am ET by themamas
Now I feel bad that I made you feel bad ;).
It's just that I read this board looking for any bit of encouragement - I even read between the lines.
It's okay, I have been thru this so many times that
Actually, it made sense to me.
You mentioned you'd done it a few times?
Well, yea, my post was meant for you, but puppy dog tails was right in that I didn't stop to think who else might be reading it. LOL, I wouldn't call it a career, I was simply single and working when my grandmother got to the point where she either had to go into a nursing home to die or someone needed to live with and take care of her. (Mind you, this was her 3rd battle with cancer...when she was younger she had thryroid and uterine cancers and survived both, along with an abusive husband and a divorce, a heart attack, and the death of 2 of her 3 kids to cancer, my dad being