Not allowed to visit or help
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-10-2008 - 12:34pm |
Hi all, this is my first time posting. I'm just so hurt and confused and need advice. My sister has recently been told that her breast cancer is not only back for a third time, but has spread definitely to the skin and possibly to the lungs. I was devastated by this news as we were fairly close as young women, socialising and going on holiday together etc.
I emigrated a number of years ago and my first thought was that I needed to go to see her and help with whatever she or my mum needed. My husband, children and my friends here agreed and said I should go home for as long as I wanted.
I asked my mother if I could come stay with her over Christmas - I'm self employed but didn't have any bookings over Christmas so this would have worked for my family financially. I was stunned when she said no. She had plans for Christmas, seeing my sisters and I wasn't invited. She went on to say that everyone was trying to be as normal as possible and me coming over would make my sister think she was dying. She would keep me up to date ( she hasn't) and let me know if it got "bad enough" that they thought I should come.
She did the exact same thing when my father's cancer was advancing - wouldn't let me visit and didn't call until it was the " I'm sorry but you missed him" call that we immigrants all dread. It seems she handles this stuff with denial.
I begged and pleaded, told her I couldn't understand why she would keep me away at a time like this. I tried to explain that I didn't want to put anybody out, I just wanted to be near and cook a meal for my sister or drive my mum to visit her. She wouldn't give an inch and said some really hurtful things. We both hung up in tears and I went into what felt like a nervous breakdown for a month or so. I couldn't function or think straight.
We've patched it up since then and my mother apologised but I'm still not allowed to visit. Despite the promises of my mum and other sister to keep me up to date as long as I stayed away, they haven't. Thankfully, my sister has been great at letting me know when her chemo appointments are, how she's doing, what results are etc.
All that changed last week when she had a checkup with her Dr. I called and emailed to find out how things had gone and she didn't answer or come to the phone. I was really worried about what she may have heard and how she was handling it.
Now she has emailed me to tell me that it was bad news - the chemo doesn't seem to have been having the effect it should have. And she's decided to be very careful about what she tells me in future because of how I "bullied" my mother and made her cry. Apparently I'm trying to make this all about me and she's offended that I said I'm not coping well with it.
I don't know what to do now. It seems like I have no choice to sit here and worry myself sick, knowing that no one will let me visit and that they would not tell me if I needed to go.

Hello Katy
I am so sorry you are having all these problems and that your sister has cancer.
Philly,
Thanks for your reply and